'Remake' A Review

Remake is a documentary from Ross McElwee about grief and memory. Similar to McElwee's breakout 1986's Sherman's March the film is framed around a conceit(in this case a fiction adaptation of Sherman's March in development) but is really an exploration of McElwee's personal struggles, in this case the untimely overdose of his son.

Through footage shot over the course of his son's lifetime, clips from Sherman's March, footage McElwee's son Adrian shot himself, all accompanied by narration from McElwee- his son's life, their relationship, the act of filmmaking, addiction and death are explored.

Visually the film is intimate and evocative, shot and cut in McElwee's typical analogue fluid style. As a documentarian McElwee is a singular talent. As a father though it is difficult for the viewer not to judge him. The effect feels incredibly honest, immensely human. But it is clear McElwee is culpable, to what degree who knows. But his obsessive need to document, his inability to identify his sons struggles, and his ignorance around addiction are very much apparent. McElwee himself has no insight to provide, he simply bares his soul and grief and pain and confusion to the viewer. Is this powerful? Yes. Is it cathartic? No.

Many artists have made art inspired by the failings of their parents or the failing of themselves as parents. It's a deep well, this joins a large catalogue. But other than sharing his grief with us and some musings on the nature of memory and film McElwee does not go beyond that. In any therapy session, in any 12-step meeting, in any bitch session between friends around the world the foibles of parents and children are discussed. This looks great, it is very effective, but it does not offer anything beyond which anyone with a child or a parent has some insight on. Every parent instills in their child some level of dysfunction or neurosis(however well-meaning), any substance abuse problem is potentially fatal. This is reality and unfortunately this only serves to reflect back to us that reality and does not go beyond that.

Incredibly crafted, brave, made by a flawed man who may not be an entirely worthy subject.

Currently in theaters.

Rent It.

Perspective

There are some
who approach living
as strategists

life as a game of chess

with plans set

moves and counter moves

wheels within wheels

Others

take it as it comes

play the cards in-hand

one day

and then the next

surmountable in their scale

more favorable for peace

The latter

the easier softer way

You Get What You Get

We are all fallible
imperfect
that is to say
human
the solace
of this fact
is found
in fellowship

Daily Living

In its momentum
its roiling
is the living itself
the relentless
biological working
the inevitable mundanity
life
in all its exquisite
simplicity
in all its punishing
propulsion
this litany of moments
each akin to the other
beloved

in their vibrance

Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It

Odd

when the past

reminds you

of its presence

like a hot breath

on the neck,

that improv creep

I hadn't thought of

in over a decade

I see on IG

getting me-too'd,

my college ex

I see outside

a pizza place

smoking a cig

background actors

in the story

of my life

and me

a footnote

in theirs

Life on life's terms

I don't understand
the fear of death

I don't wish it

or welcome it

I relish each day's

pleasures

I'm grateful

for each day's

challenges

I accept

my responsibilities

with an open

and eager heart

most days

I am filled

with love

but

when it's time to go

whether tomorrow

or in 50 years

I will be ready to depart

The Plan

An interviewer asked me

where I see myself

at retirement

I laughed

as if the future

were guaranteed

as if what's to come

weren't uncertain

as it has always been

only hindsight

offers assurance

offers order

Besides

in recovery

the oldtimers teach you

very deliberately

not to plan

to take it as it comes

to take it

one day at a time

one hour at a time

one step at a time

slice it small enough

you can handle anything

God Sized Hole

the house
the car
the job
will be the solution

a new phone

a smart watch

will be the solution

a change of scenery

will be the solution

except it won't

except what's missing

isn't outside

what's missing

is inside

it can't be filled with stuff

it must be given up

given over

only then

will the searching end

Your Best Is Variable

During a difficult time

I was struggling to be present

struggling to stay calm

struggling

to do what I needed to do
I told a friend
"If this were graded I'd be getting a D."
he said
"It's not graded. It's pass/fail."

and that unlocked a lot for me

The Heaviness

It's always there
to one degree
or another

the daily goal

is to endure it

to go beyond it

to subsume into

the collective

consciousness

the Truth that

there is no otherness

there's just us

Anticipation

I find it is not the doing

that is difficult

but the waiting to do

not the action

but the inaction

the quiet between

the no-need-for planning bit

that is the challenge

to find peace

in those moments

when there is nothing to do

but be.

The Hangers-On

Occasionally at a Meeting
you'll get a tourist

someone without a drinking problem

(or to use the current nomenclature

Substance Use Disorder)

who just wants some group therapy

or companionship

on the cheap

lonely, awkward, self-diluted

they meet

(or claim they meet)

the only requirement for membership

a desire to stop drinking

these people used to bug me

but over time

and with no small amount of effort

this gave way to a detached pity

for those lost searchers

who wind up in the rooms

because they have no where else to go

yet fail to grasp their purview or purpose

Let It Slide

after giving up booze
pills and powders

deception in various forms

the ongoing and perpetual task

is the search and attainment

of peace, inside

the obstacle of which

is the impulse to control

anxiety and worry

the battle against

the pervasive day-to-day creep

of the untoward, the unsettled

letting that which does not matter

truly go

The daily struggle.

The Cost

What they don't tell you
is that sobriety

requires sacrifice

desire, ambition, righteousness

these must

be subordinate

to staying clean

every day

day after day

in perpetuity

they don't tell you

because they don't need to

whatever the cost

it's cheap

Pepper

She wasn't well-behaved
but she had heart for days

she walked with me

through the darkness

protected me

from the shadow's grip

the only one

who didn't judge

as I sprawled

at the bottom

scraping

at the floor

when I despaired

she loved

simple and fearless.

A good dog.

A beagle.

May her teeth

ever be sharp

and her bark

Thunderous.

The Persistence of Rage III

I would like to be rid of it
the roiling furnace

the impulse

I do not act

but I desire to act

like a wave, I ride

the crashing fantasies

the turmoil

the compulsion

to boil over

to spill

I do not act

but I desire to act

I would prefer

to be ever desireless

wrapped in coolness

and calm

Life On Life's Terms

It's work
every day

it can seem

endless

there's joy too

hope, contentment

all the goodies

but it always

requires effort

the small things

need to get done

the big things

need to be addressed

for every triumph

a new trial

for every moment of peace

a fresh irritant

that's the deal

we didn't ask for this

yet

here we are

F.E.A.R.

the oldtimers say
it stands for
fuck everything and run

which can be

a seductive proposition

to flee from trial

to recede

from responsibility

to risk nothing

safety

at the cost of growth

The Next Right Thing

We are
in some small part
an expression

of the great creation

which connects all things

from the smallest microbe

to the behemoths of deep space

interlinked in our propulsion

our purpose

and yet 

we deviate from the current

rail against its curves

fixate upon self

and the impotent pursuit

of will

devested of this delusion

free from its bondage

we have the opportunity

to be a conduit

of pure intent

not the arbiter of the path's direction

but a facilitator of its endurance

not certain, not righteous

but member

in total equality

of the collective divinity.

Codependence

Every adult
has autonomy
the ability, the right
to destroy themselves

to deny, to obfuscate, to suffer

we may

know what's best

for our fellows

(or believe so)

we may witness their churn

we may be saddened, grieve

but it is not our place

to save anyone from themselves

(we can't)

unless they desire to be saved.

Corruption is contagious

and half measures avail nothing.