Hamburgerman

Long before Hamburgerman was the host of the worlds most popular home improvement show A Patty Prepares, long before Hamburgerheads from all over the world tuned in each night to see the best way to sand their counters or paint their cabinets, long before fame created Hamburgerman there was only Burgerboy.

Burgerboy did not have a nice childhood. At school he was called a variety of hateful nicknames. Some relatively conventional, some more creative: Beef Breath, Mayo Brains, Grease Trap, Meat Mop, Onion Eyes, Glutton Guide, Burnt Buns, Cowlips, EColi Face, Mustard Tears and Temple Grandin by the kids in the agricultural know. His classmates would hold him under the hand dryer in the bathroom and dry out his patties. They would dowse him with water to soggy his buns. They would ridicule him for the stink of his cheese even though they themselves were ignorant in the ways of deodorant.

And no girl ever talked to Burgerboy.

The only school dance Burgerboy ever went to was prom. He went stag, decked out in a vintage 70's tux with ruffles. He had no friends and no date but he wanted the experience. The football team released five German Shepherds when he first braved the dance floor, they had been unfed for three days. As he fled the school grounds with the dogs in hot pursuit he could hear the roar of spiteful laughter from his classmates.

College wasn't much better. He started wearing a cloth sack on his head.

For a time he lived in Berlin, City of Freaks, and was unaccepted. Time passed.

On a weather induced layover at JFK Burgerboy met Richard Karn, famous for portraying Al Borland on the legend-in-its-own-time TV show Home Improvement.

Little did he know what a fateful meeting it would turn out to be.