Solitude

Nicole's been out of town on vacation the past couple days and I've had a good amount of time to myself. Being by myself isn't something that's ever bothered me and in a lot of ways it's my default. Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends and spent a good amount of time by myself especially in the summers.

It makes me wonder is being alone something I naturally enjoyed or something I learned to enjoy. As far back as I can remember I loved fantasy books and movies, had a vivid imagination, was drawn to different worlds and magic and talking beasts and dragons and all the rest of it(what some would call escapism). Maybe because I thought the real world lonely or disappointing or mundane. Maybe because I didn't see a place for myself in it. Whatever the reason I spent a lot of time listening to books on tape, reading, playing video games, riding my bike, finding secret spots to call my own. And over time it became natural, became my preference. Earthsea and Narnia and Hyrule more mine than my neighborhood or school, imagined adventures more attractive than social encounters. Not to say I didn't have some friends(I had a few) or that my family wasn't loving(because they were). But on balance I spent a good amount of time alone and I came to like it that way. So much so in middle school my parents became worried and had a sit-down convo with me encouraging me to hang out with friends. Which eventually I did.

Middle school and high school I actually started to socialize and it was great, I became a part of a group of friends, something I never really had before. But I still spent time alone, still had an active imagination which I lived in. College was much the same as childhood, I struggled, was outside of various social groups and had few friends. I began going to movies by myself regularly, at first as just something to do, something to pass the time, eventually I came to love it. Over time I've been able to find more of a balance but I'm still probably more a loner than socially energetic.

Now I'm in a wonderful relationship, have a number of great friends, and overall have a pretty good life. But I still go to movies solo and read lots of fantasy books but I no longer fantasize about finding a portal to a magic kingdom to whisk me away forever. I like the quiet, I like the time to reflect, I like to simply be. Although I don't prefer my own company to others I enjoy it and value it. Some people find silence and solitude oppressive or daunting, which I understand and I won't get into the why of that, I imagine its part nature and part nurture as it was for me. But I don't find it so, I find it energizing and comforting. Like the company of an old and cherished friend.

So this weekend while my love was away, I listened to an audio book and washed the windows and let my mind wonder, content.