Anti-Depressants

I took them for a while
then stopped
for though
they brought the bottom up
they also
brought down the top

Zatarain's

Store-bought
box-dinner
may not exude
authenticity
but the various
rice-spice mixes
available from
Cajun/Creole
brand Zatarain's
offer an astounding
harmony
perhaps not as brash
and bold
as fare straight from
a Big Easy kitchen
but more than enough
to satisfy and surprise
not to mention easy,
their jambalaya
was the first meal I prepared solo
at 10
the simplicity
was something I could handle
the result
made me proud
you see it was actually good
and from there a circuitous route
to regular at home cooking
which I've come to love
mostly owed upon reflection
to grocery store
fringe marque Zatarain's
which has never left
my repertoire.

Dream Small

Of course, dream big

as big as you can
but dream small too
little ones
bite-sized
achievable, attainable
realized
they are no less
a success.

I got glasses at fourteen
and from the jump
yearned for
prescription sunnys,

at first finances
made them an
unnecessary luxury
then a general fear
of both doctors
and the minutia of retail
prevented their procurement
only now
after twenty years
have I got my pair
of reentry shields
and it is no small
satisfaction.

Rehearsal

Working on a new play
after some years away
I am reminded
of the comfort I found
in the theater
from the beginning-
the familiarity
of blocking short-hand,
the feeling of belonging
cultivated by a cast,
the small and secret world
carved out by a production,
the satisfying impermanence
of a show's inevitable end-
and I feel a soothing fidelity
for the stage
as it affords
the fluid practice of imagination
a solitary space for exploration
and an innate abiding camaraderie.

Home Again

Had lunch at the Norske Nook a famous, at least in our family, Scandinavian restaurant. Great food and pie. Headed to Madison to have dinner with my sister Marta and niece Maris, got there a little early and we were able to tag along to pick up Maris from preschool.

Had a wonderful meal and visit and then finished the final leg to Rockford. A little under 2K miles in total.

It's been great spending time with my dad. We haven't taken a "family vacation" since me and my sister were college-age, we got older, life gets complicated, other things take precedent. As an adult I realized that if I had the time off why not make some time to spend with my dad especially doing this thing we both love and bonded over. Going on a trip like this is kind of surreal because you're traveling a good portion of the day, daylight and pacing and bathroom breaks and eating are more important than normal. There's also a certain amount of nerves, not only because motorcycling no matter what is dangerous, but you could breakdown you could run out of gas and in a city that's not a big deal but in rural North Dakota that could set you back a whole day. It's an adventure. A unique challenge and experience and it's really cool to share that with my dad especially since he's getting older and slowing down a bit.

We've done trips two years in a row, here's to more to come.

Ever-Shifting Success

At 13 my highest achievement
was scoring a goal in soccer

At 15 it was surreptitiously
borrowing my parents car

At 17 landing the lead
in the school play

At 20 the rare occasion
of getting laid

At 24 ascending
the vaulted improv comedy ladder

At 26 avoiding the mounting legal
and personal troubles begat by unchecked addiction

At 30 sobriety

At 34 friends, family,
simple pleasures, and responsibilities fulfilled

Keep Your House In Order

As a child
chores
were an unbearable
burden
which I executed
with the utmost
reluctance
preferring mess
and lethargy
to any shade
of effort
But now
aged and grown
cooking, cleaning,
even that dreaded specter
laundry
provide a monastic pleasure
and I realize
an ordered home
clean wardrobe
and stocked larder
provide an ease
not only within
the domestic confines
but without
the weight of worry
lessened
by responsibility fulfilled.

Silence

In our world
of increasing connectivity
silence has become
a sign of depression
irritation
or lack
of civility
but quiet
of the mind and mouth
should be sought
not shunned
should be cultivated
not culled
tranquility
not contention
sustains
in times of trial
and apathy.

The Numbers For 2018

Year #6 without a drink. I didn't do it alone, I couldn't. I've stayed sober because of the help of others and the grace of my Higher Power.

I read 62 books my top 5 were The Sudden Appearance of Hope, The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, The Minotaur Takes A Cigarette Break, The Anubis Gates, and Paradox Bound.

I saw 82 movies in the theater.

I fired a gun for the first time.

We(Nicole and I) went to 2 author events(Christina Henry and Esther Perel).

We went to 2 Michelin starred restaurants(Topolobampo and Parachute).

We went to 4 weddings.

We went ice skating once.

I went on 3 vacations (Richmond, motorcycle trip around Lake Michigan, New Mexico).

I saw 1 adolescent hero- Broon.

I did 48 shows with Deep Schwa.

I did 47 shows with Sight Unseen.

I did 9 shows with Plane Station.

I did 4 shows with Terrific Six(various mixes of members from my first improv team The Album).

I directed 1 solo show.

I understudied and performed in the play Deerfield Inn once.

I wrote 68 poems, 3 essays, and did 9 readings.

I rode my motorcycle for 6 months.

I went to 1 magic show.

I went to 0 funerals.

I went to 0 plays.

I went to 0 concerts.

I helped celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday.

Nicole and I celebrated our 5th Anniversary.

A full year, a satisfying year, a fast year. I'm grateful for each and every day.

Feeling The Pull

Wrote this as part of a send of show for MB, also a podcast Your Stories.

I was born and raised in Rockford, IL about an hour and a half west of Chicago. Over the years it has periodically been, unjustly from my perspective, on various lists for worst cities in america. Say what you want about many of it’s aspects but Rockford has one of the best municipal park systems in the country. There are seven major parks and countless small neighborhood ones with playground equipment and sports fields scattered throughout the city, there are also a couple large county maintained forest preserves in the area. Taken together they offer substantial recreation, adventure, and beauty.

Growing up I was a chubby kid the subject of no small amount of ridicule and cruelty. But every summer I was able to escape my archetypal role when I went to camp. The Rockford Park District offered a variety of types of camps for all age groups and I attended them all. Day camp, sleep away camp, backpacking, and bike. I loved them all and what they all had in common were two things. At them I could be whoever I wanted to be. I brought into into them no baggage, no history. I could make friends easily because all of us were working from square one. The second thing was that they all involved, no surprise, being in nature. And I discovered a deep resonance with the forests and hills, the rivers and lakes that I spent my summers in. I felt at home in the woods, I felt comfortable, there was a time it was one of the only places I did. And as time went on I found I had an affinity for it- hiking, canoeing, making a fire and cooking over it- I wasn’t a boy scout but I developed skills.

When I aged out of going to camp I became a camp counselor and that summer job along with the measured relief of high school opened up my social circle and got me out of my shell. I was a camp counselor for seven years, all through high school and for the bulk of college. Those was some of the best summers of my life. Stinking like campfire and bug spray, arguing with 8 year olds about what was for lunch, driving the tractor with 30 screaming kids in the trailer behind me.

In college after a summer of working at Camp Conestoga some friends and I, instigated by our love of the outdoors, planned a trip west for a little national parks tour. We left in the afternoon and drove all night. It was dawn when we came into The Badlands National Park in South Dakota, the sky was a screaming yellow and all around us were these beautifully alien mud/rock formations spreading out to the horizon. We stood there in awe. It was breathtaking, we were silenced by the splendor and vastness of Mother Nature. And for a moment we were part of her grace. And that feeling is something I’ve chased after ever since.

After the Badlands we went to Yellowstone then the Rocky Mountains National Park where we hiked Pike’s peak. On our way down fueled by youthful idiocy and THC we began to jog down the mountain, then run, letting gravity pull us forward gaining momentum as we corned switchbacks and lept boulders. And for a good ten minutes it was pure exhilaration, we were conquering the mountain, we were young, we were invincible. But like Icarus, my hubris was inevitably punished. I lost my balance and fell, crashing and sliding on the gravel path. The camera I wore on a shoulder strap was broken and my arms and legs were scraped and bleeding. I was hurt and I was embarrassed but I popped up and my friends washed me off with the water from their canteens and we finished the decent at a more stately pace.

Since that first trip I’ve been the Glacier National Park, the Grand Tetons, the Grand Canyon, Shenandoah, and many state and local parks all across the country. I just got back a couple days ago from a trip with my girlfriend to New Mexico the major reason for our visit was to go to Carlsbad Caverns and the White Sands National Monument. Which we did and both were spectacular.

All this to say nature is one of my great passions. Wherever I go I seek out the closet park and I hike through it. It gives me an inexpressible joy and a deep satisfaction. I return to it again and again and again. I place my time, energy, and money on the altar of the Earth Mother. And I encourage you to find your passions whatever they may be, to pursue them if you’ve found them, and if you already are I wish you good luck and godspeed.

If some day pride gets the better of you, and the gods justly bring you low, simply pick yourself up and continue down the path because around the next turn, the next bend, is the next opportunity, the next adventure.

Backyard BBQ

Sitting in the strip of shade
cast by the wooden fence
surronded by friends
with sweating faces
munching on chips, dips,
and char kissed meats
refreshed, periodically,
by cool canned liquids
and languid conversation
I am content.

The future is still unknown
uncertain, perhaps precarious
yet the bonds of fellowship
forged by summer, grill, and holiday
hold strong and true
ambition and duty await
but tomorrow not today
not now in the setting sun
and the waning heat
and the gleeful smiles
not in this moment
which is good and simple.

Spitballin' At Quenchers Saloon

After 39 years beloved local watering hole and venue Quenchers Saloon will soon close it's doors. After 8 years of Mondays experimental variety show Spitballin' ended last night. As a frequent contributor I had the privilege of performing in the final show. Along with some poems I read this piece.

When I was six years old my grandfather, who I adored, passed away of esophageal cancer.
The experience was difficult to understand at such a young age, the concept of death hard to
grasp. Having to grapple with that when I was barely aware, only pseudo conscious shaped a
lot of the boy and man I became and am still becoming. We all come to a point where we realize
what death is and come to terms with it to varying degrees but I had to do that earlier, younger
than perhaps is typical. And as a result I realized, with some heartbreak and over time, that all
things end. It’s not only natural it’s correct. Couples break up, friendships fade away, jobs are
lost and left, people die. Everything is finite, so what can we do, we can take joy and satisfaction
in the time we have. We can find grace in the ephemeral. We can enjoy and celebrate and this evening we have together. The ending of something beautiful and rich, not to be forgotten and not to be lamented. This is the way things are. All things must end.

I’ve always had a passion for writing, an impulse to put words on paper but I never had much
direction or an outlet. I took a creative writing class in high school and another one in college but
the interest those classes cultivated never went much beyond that, interest. Some years later
after two successive girlfriends who were amateur poets reignited the interest in me I began to
write more. I started a blog, I set a goal for myself to write a poem a week. But after awhile it felt
a bit hollow, sending stuff out into the void, I wanted to share my stuff in a more direct way.
Summer of 2014 I knew about Spitballin’ but I had never been to the show, never performed at
it, I was afraid I wouldn’t be welcome, assumed it was insular or exclusive, so I never came or asked to be apart of the show. Out of the blue Mike Brunlieb, our benevolent curator, asked me to do a reading, anything I wanted. I was surprised and delighted. Me and a college friend Chloe read a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and it was really fun and gratifying and different. The other acts were much more experimental and eclectic than I thought they’d be, the audience much more receptive and open and encouraging than my fearful judgement had assumed. After that I asked Mike if I could read some poems and he graciously let me. It went well and I’ve been reading poetry and prose here at Spitballin’ ever since.

What Spitballin’ gave me was opportunity. It’s a space where I could come share my poetry and
prose with a degree of acceptance. Seeing others experiment and bravely do weird things made
me comfortable to try. After it didn’t go over poorly I was inspired to write more, to share more.
What Mike, Thomas, and Scott gave me was permission. Permission to share who I am and
what I was working on in an environment totally unique in this city as it was not only devoid of
judgement but also of expectation. Anyone can do anything at Spitballin’ it may not go well, a
couple people might dip into the bar to grab a drink, they may have to compete with whatever
game is on TV, but whatever performance piece, sketch, reading, song, stand up set,
what-have-you had a place at Quenchers Saloon.

This place, this show, over time, made me a poet. I wrote poetry before but there was a self
consciousness about it, a fear, a duplicity, because I thought people would think it was lame or
stupid. But being allowed to come here and read my work, seeing people react on the spectrum
from indifference to enthusiasm but never contempt, put to rest all that stuff, helped clarify and
solidify my desire to write, gave me confidence in my identity. I’m a poet and there’s no shame
in that.

In Norse mythology there is an event, the end of the world, called Ragnarok and it is inevitable.
Reading the stories it is unclear if it has already happened, if it will happen, or if it is
continually happening. Regardless after it, after the end, the story continues. Something new and green is born. A major and repeated theme in Norse mythology is the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. The cycle of nature itself. This wonderful, fruitful, delicious, grotesque, torturous, transcendent show will come to an end shortly. But the people and the energy and spirit will live on. Dissipate and reform in other divisions and permutations and grow and evolve and move forward, move on. The cycle will continue. This is not something to grieve but to rejoice.

I want to say thank you to Mike, Thomas, and Scott who encouraged me. This place which
welcomed me. And this show which inspired me to be more the person I want to be.

Monday Morning

In college
I had a literature class
Monday at 8am
and the prof
was this old Dutch guy
energetic and enthusiastic
looked like Ian Holm-
Bilbo from LOTR
and every morning
he'd walk in grinning
heave a deep satisfied sigh
as if he'd just finished
an extensive and delicious meal
and say
"Monday, my favorite day of the week!"
then start class
he would do this every day
and at first I thought it silly
contrived
but over time
I found his positivity
not only genuine
but contagious
and came to know
he believed
one day I asked him
"What's the secret?"
 and he replied
"Eventually the irony is lost."
Something to remember
during ease
and adversity.

Mighty Mike's Maze

As a child
the closest
I got to magic was
Might Mike's Maze
a converted warehouse
with hanging
itinerant
red canvas walls,
darkly lit,
the gloom and silence
punctuated
by the occasional
burst
from the fog machine
and the periodic
blast
of a strobe.

The stated goal
was to find four
multi-colored
poker chips
stashed
in hanging bags
at four obscure
dead-ends
throughout
the maze
within a certain timeframe
and that was fun
the game itself
but more than that
it was a fertile place
for fantasy
in it
I was Thesus
hunting the Minotar
I was Ged
evading the priests of Atuan
I was someone else
somewhere else
lost on an Adventure.

Life Is Not Static

My father likes to say, paraphrasing Heraclitus, "there's nothing constant in life save change". And as I get older, as time has passed, I find that more and more true.

Life is mercurial. Family, work, ambition, geography are all in flux. Grandparents age, parents become grandparents, children become adults become parents, babies are born, families divide and segment as they expand and become familes of their own. Careers shrink and grow and morph. Hirings and firings and layoffs and promotions. Raises and title changes. Professions vary- finance to consulting to management to law to medicine to sculpting to street sweeping to ticket tacking- on and on. The push and pull of economics and interpersonal connection precipitate moves from apartment to condo, condo to house, or back again, may precipitate moves rural to urban to suburban or back again. Alternating region, climate, population. Life in constant swirling motion, at whatever speed, sonic or glacial.

This is fact, indisputable. And for people like me, people reluctant to change, it can be unpleasant. Even feel, at times, like a betrayal. But that is the way things are. Humanity a wonderful chaotic pulsing web of expanding and contracting, criss-crossing, connecting and isolating paths which parallel then diverge, twine then deviate. This is the nature of life over time. Things change. On a long enough timeline, everything changes.

And that is just. That is correct. That is natural. Acceptance of this fundamental truth can bring balance and contentment in the face of those sudden(or gradual) digressions from the norm that may so perturb us. The future is uncertain, certainty an illusion we construct for comfort. But the opposite of stability is adventure. The unknown a font of opportunity.

As we age we most evolve, grow, learn, adapt. For nothing is still, nothing silent, nothing static.

The Definition of Success

I recently finished The Sudden Appearance of Hope the World Fantasy Award winner from last year and it's very captivating. The central conceit is that the main character is forgotten, anyone she meets, once she leaves their presence she fades from their memory. The villain of the piece isn't an individual but this app called "Perfection" which is a combination of social media, life coaching, and conformity. "Perfection" tells people what to eat, where to work out, what to wear etc. and is based on a point system and only the wealthy can afford to achieve high scores. It creates a new elite, an aristocracy for the 21st Century. It exploits the desire for Hollywood-esk standards of beauty, fame, and influence. One of the major themes the book gets at through the lens of this perverse app is success. What is it, who is it for, by what standard is it measured. And that's something I've been thinking a lot about recently.

I've written recently about my frustration with my current professional situation. Certainly not terrible but more a low grade of discontent which is increasingly draining. I'm looking for other options and making some progress but still feel a little trapped, stagnant, static. On top of that a couple weeks back Jimmy, one of my best friends in comedy and in recovery, decided he'll most likely be moving next year. The compounding effects of the first situation and the surprise of the second kind of sent my mind racing. Raised that age-old and futile existential questions- what am I doing with my life. And I think it really boils down to feeling like a failure, not with respect to my actual actions, achievements, and goals but with respect to what other people are doing and expectations not set by me but by some weird unattainable societal amalgam.

If I'm not making X amount of money I'm a failure, if I'm not married I'm a failure, if I don't have kids I'm a failure, if I'm not famous I'm a failure, if I don't look a certain way, weigh a certain amount I'm a failure, if I stay in Chicago I'm a failure etc. etc. When these thoughts come the slope gets slippery awful quick. But the reality is these thoughts, these feelings are all just expressions of fear and ego. I can be happy/content by doing those things which make me happy/content, by living my life with conviction and integrity, by being of service to my friends, family, and employer. My happiness/contentment has nothing to do with what other people are doing. Has no place in comparison to, it is independent from.

Sometimes it feels like there are certain boxes to check in order to be happy, in order to be or achieve success. And that's simply not the case. Success is not defined by social media attention, bank balance, or professional advancement. It is defined by love and honesty and hope and connection. At least to me. And that's the thing, the world, society, does not get to define what success in my life looks like, does not get to define the parameters of my happiness. I do. And perhaps right now my work life is a bit unbalanced but I'm working on changing that and I know it won't last forever. Yes, come next year my life will look pretty different when my best bud leaves town but I have tons of friends and acquaintances, that loss will open up opportunity. If there are things I want to be doing, goals I want to achieve, I can take the small actions which lead toward those things, and whether I attain them or not I can take satisfaction in the trying. In the living. Because if I look at the present, the here-and-now not the hypothetical future(bleak only because my imagination has made it so), I have so much to be grateful for- health, passion, friendship, romance, family, fiction, cinema, granola, a motorcycle, cool new DSW boots. If I take the time to think about it the list goes on and on.

You Get What You Get

In a group that I'm apart of there's a saying "life on life's terms" meaning basically accept the challenges and success as they come, stay in the moment, roll with the punches. Because attempting to manage and control life never works out positively. There's another saying "you get what you need" meaning if you're taking action and doing the right thing, things will work out, you'll find you are provided for. And for the most part I've found that to be true.

A couple months back a friend of mine said "people say 'you get what you need' but the longer you stick around you find out 'you get what you get'". And it really struck me. Because try as you might life happens. You can prepare, plan, and set goals all you want but no matter what there will be surprises, challenges, the unexpected, the unanticipated. And need is a tricky word, what do I ultimately need? Food, water, shelter. Companionship maybe, but that being a necessity is debatable. So anything beyond that is a want, is desire. And there's nothing wrong with it but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily entitled to those things.

Life can be wondrous and mercurial, draining and triumphant, desperate and delightful. Depends on the day, the month, the year. You get what you get. It's not about what we posses, what we attain, it's about how we handle life as it comes, with balance and grace or with resentment, fear, and entitlement. Things will come up, positive and negative, in their own time and in their own way. We don't dictate the terms of life we simply live it. What it really boils down to is acceptance.

Most circumstances and situations are outside of our control. We could have a string of bad luck followed by a string of good luck followed by weeks of the ordinary. It's about getting up every day, doing our best, and taking action to whatever degree and to whatever amount of success. Sometimes your best will be that of someone who is tired and bored, other times your best will reflect boundless energy and optimism. Both are OK. Sometimes you take action, you attempt, and you fail, other times you achieve, I would allege both are successes. Because happiness and contentment aren't a result of what we own its about how we act and who we are. You play the good hands just like the bad ones, as best you can, its not about the cards you get its how you play them. Because ultimately you don't control the deal, you get what you get.

The Numbers For 2017

Year #5 without a drink. Thanks to all the friends, family, and strangers who helped along the way.

I went on 4 vacations(Harrisburg, NYC, Denver, New Orleans).

I did 48 shows with Deep Schwa.

I did 45 shows with Sight Unseen.

The Night Shift did 1 show.

I co-wrote and performed 1 sketch show 5 times.

I conceived and shot 20 interviews for a documentary tentatively titled Chiaroscuro.

I wrote 62 poems, 1 essay, and did 6 readings.

I watched 78 movies in the theater.

I read 68 books my favorite of which was The Antagonist by Lynn Coady.

I went to 1 concert(Willie Nelson).

I saw 1 of my heroes in the flesh(Chris Rock).

I went to 2 plays(Linda Vista, Doll's House Part 2).

I went to 2 weddings.

I went to 0 funerals.

I went to 2 Michelin starred restaurants.

I moved once.

I babysat my niece for the first time.

I learned and cooked 6 crock pot recipes.

I rode my motorcycle for 7 months. I changed the battery once.

Nicole and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary.

I'm grateful for it all.

Clarity Is Best

In improv the base tenant is 'Yes, And' and I have some pretty substantial ideas about how flawed that can be which I outlined in the improv online magazine The Hambook however this seems to be an issue more globally with peoples jobs, friendships, and family. Not that people are interpersonally yes-and-ing each other too much but that people in general seem to have issues with establishing boundaries, especially with friends/family/at work, acquiescing to commitments or circumstances that may in fact be presumptuous/imposing to our time or well being. The other aspect is clarity, of expectation and individual needs, in general people seem reticent to clearly communicate what's going on and what they want.

Over the past couple weeks there have been several examples of this in my life, directly and indirectly, people(myself included) being unclear about a situation, wants, needs, expectations, and the result is stress and resentment. The impulse to not set boundaries or not ask for what you need I think comes ultimately from fear(of upsetting someone, making a fuss, being perceived as being mean, demanding, alienating etc.) and this desire "not to be a bother" because we've somehow internalized this idea that actively taking care of ourselves is somehow self-serving, vain, that our wants and needs are secondary or unimportant perhaps even a burden to others.

The reality is that communicating with clarity is not only good its detrimental. We are conditioned to use vagaries and passive-aggression(as if that was effective) in the somewhat covert effort to avoid conflict(and undersell our own personal needs) when that's what communicating in that muddled inarticulate way inevitably evokes- resentment then eventual conflict. There's nothing inherently combative about saying no, about saying I'd rather not, I'm not interested, or this isn't a good time. Friends and loved ones will typically understand if you're up front and honest when they ask you to do something for/with them. It becomes messy when you acquiesce, equivocate, deny, deflect, defer, then eventually come back to the reality which is like "actually no I don't want to go to that party with you"(or whatever it may be). You've put yourself through the ringer, confused your friend, now you feel guilty because you weren't honest and direct from the jump.

The other part of it of course is you. You have to remember that you are important, what you want and need is important. Period. If you're not a relatively balanced and content individual how can you be a loving participant in your family, a supportive friend, or a competent employee. It's not only your right it's your obligation to establish and sustain, carve out and cultivate those things that you need day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month to feel good, to feel whole. Because only when you have some measure of mental/emotional/spiritual equilibrium can you really show up and be a fruitful family member/friend/employee what-have-you and in order to do that you have to occasionally set boundaries. You cannot make yourself available to the whim of the people around you, regardless of how much you love and care about them. I'm not suggesting you hoard your time and attention and only do what you want to do. What I am suggesting is be clear with people about what you will and won't do for/with them. If someone asks you for something or to do something and it's unclear to what extent you be committing yourself, ask for clarity. If someone is asking you to do something for/with them that feels to you like an imposition its OK to say no or respond with conditions.

You must consider your needs first. Not in regards to pleasure or ambition or comfort but to your mental and physical health. If you're exhausted or stressed out or overwhelmed how can you be of service to anyone?

Service

Left to my own devices I can become pretty self involved. Increasingly concerned only with my life, it's stressors, pleasures, and distractions. Which ultimately is pretty thin and unfulfilling. People have suggested to me, as a way to live a full happy life, to be of service to others when I can. And whenever I do that, whenever I take that suggestion, I feel better. Being of service or helping others(whatever you want to call it) feels good, gets you outside yourself, plugs you into something bigger and more important. This can mean any myriad of things. Doing some kind of formal volunteering with non-profit institutions, helping someone move(ugh), making the coffee at work, doing something small for a friend or loved one- cooking, cleaning, an unexpected gift. Providing a hug or listening ear when its needed. Whatever it may be. I've found helping others(to whatever degree, in whatever capacity) is gratifying, provides some measure of worth, gives me value that can sometimes be missing in this social-media heavy, ego-stroking, envy-infecting, rat-race our current society can at times appear to be.

My mom broke her ankle last Friday so the holiday wasn't as active as in years past but it was a wonderful weekend. I was able to show up for my mom(and dad) and contribute in small ways, doing a little cooking and cleaning and running some errands. Nothing major, nothing terribly taxing, but I was there and I did what I could and I think it made a little bit of difference. And that is all important. I'm not a monk nor do I claim to be, I'm not selfless or full of some unflappable serenity, but I try to get out of the pointless morass of my own minutia as much as I possible. I do my best day-to-day(which can certainly fluctuate) and it helps to try to be of service to others whether they be friends, family, co-workers, or total strangers. And that can be as large as a six-figure donation or as small as a quiet smile. And when you do that, when you take that action, you can find not only relief but inspiration, not only purpose but peace.