Romantic Conflict

Recently some friends told me some things they've said to their partners when they were fighting that kind of shocked me in how combative they were. After asking around it seems its not too out of the norm for people to lash out in their LTR in this way when arguing.

To me the idea of telling my partner to "fuck off" or deliberately being condescending, insulting, or pointedly angry is pretty out there. Walks, if not totally obliterates, the line of dysfunction. But that's me and the way I operate in a relationship is different than what works for other people. Some people need the conflict to air out resentments and fears they may not have been capable of voicing outside the context of a fight. Sometimes that personality clash, that emotional explosion, is necessary, its cathartic. As long as there is resolution, as long as communication is ongoing, as long as it works, who am I to judge. Ultimately it's just a matter of perspective and viewing any situation like 'this is the way I do it and therefore that is categorically correct' is not only wrong its self-centered to the extreme.

I use to be a pretty angry guy, unpredictable with SO's, friends, and strangers alike in when I would vent my temper. Part of that was just who I was, the only way I knew to express emotion, maybe my preferred method for doing so. The other part of why I acted like that, operated out of a baseline of fear that came out as anger was because of my addiction. After I got sober I did, and still do, a lot of work on changing my behavior, how I process my feelings, and how I react to people and situations. What that amounts to is basically building in a pause(or attempting to) between my initial emotional reaction to things and when I respond. Feeling my feelings and then examining my initial response before speaking it aloud. With potential arguments or stressful situations my initial response is almost always rude or combative or counterproductive or all three. And so most times I don't. I say nothing, I walk away, I take some time and put together a constructive response.

Yesterday Nicole and I both got home late and were hungry. When I was getting out of the shower she asked me to clean out the drain more frequently. My head immediately went to tallying the various chores we do to keep the apartment in order and, of course, painted myself as the one who shouldered the majority of the burden and fanned the flames of my offense that she would even ask me that given all the other stuff I do. What I said was "OK" and walked away. After I had eaten I realized I didn't really care, the reality was that I'd be happy to take an extra ten seconds to wipe some toilet paper over the drain. We talked it out a bit more and it was all good. If I had lashed out, she would have most likely responded in kind, the conversation wouldn't have really gone any where, and it would have taken the evening maybe even the next day or two for the tension to dissipate. But that's us.

We all communicate in our own particular ways that work for us. Some more combative than others, some more reserved than others. But the important thing is to do the communicating. To put thought to voice, to listen and attempt some mutual understanding. Bottled up issues turn into resentments so its important to talk about those things we want or need or believe before they boil over. The other side of it is a discussion or suggestion or request isn't necessarily an attack or judgement even though it can feel that way. It's tough. But as long as you try, as long as you keep the conversation going, however imperfectly, you can emerge on the other end better partners. It's silence that can be the relationship killer.