The Squirrel

As I returned home
my wife descended the stairs
with a squirrel
in a trap
chittering and thrashing
she(my wife)
squealed and twitched

yet undaunted
unwavering
as she released the critter

and I thought
this is what love is

10th Anniversary

Nicole and I have been together 10 years today, celebrating by spending a couple days in and around Starved Rock SP. Been great to get away and get out on the bluffs and in the canyons, spending time together away, relaxing, reflecting, and just taking it in.

The Storm

The tent amplifies the rain
at first a sprinkle
then a deluge
cacophonous
as the canvas strobes with lightening
and the atmosphere reverberates with thunder

the storm roars

and we burrow deeper into our sleeping bags

in awe of the display

hoping that the waterproofing holds up

eventually, too tired to worry, we sleep

in the loving cocoon of Nature's diminishing rage.

Wedding Day

A lifetime

narrows
to a day

an hour

an instant

nestled within

the endearing

enduring energies

of our

closest intimates

propped up

and propagated

by romantic momentum

bonded 

by magnetic ardor

in this pin-prick

potent now

we pledge our truth

and the world

kaleidoscopic

psychedelic

opens, unfurls, erupts

and a future

fleeting

bright with promise

is revealed.

7th Anniversary

Celebrated 7 years together today. Rented a cabin out in the woods for a little vacation but also because we were supposed to get married on Saturday. It seems selfish or self-involved to be upset or emotional at having to postpone our wedding given everything going on in the country and world over the past several months but it was a surprising blow, doubly surprising given even when we sent out our invitations we were fully aware that it was a possibility. Even with that knowledge it was affecting, intellectually knowing it was possible/likely but emotionally tightly holding on.

Over the past couple weeks we've been able to process it and with this time away it's really helped to put things in perspective, feel more assured and stable, relax and recharge, and move forward. I've always felt energized and soothed by time alone and in nature and with the stress and tedium of life in 2020 this time away was especially needed and restorative. Because the reality is the wedding and parties and concerts and eating inside, all that stuff can wait, we're healthy and together and ultimately that's what's important. Cliche perhaps but true. Simple not easy.

Simple, Not Easy

All love is a struggle
because it is not an easy thing
there is an element of striving
to maintain any precious feeling
an element of effort, sweat and tears
to develop the intimacy required
to survive the ever-passing year.

It's peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows
not a perpetual unbending line
life's periodic and myriad trials
never as simple as valentines
like waves they crash
upon devotion, to test and temper
and perhaps to crack and shatter.

But success is not complicated-
communication, desire, and support
thus is foraged a partnership
that can answer all retorts
trust the path to walk upon
affection the compass way
hope the breaking of the dawn
and faith to fend off time's decay.

When You're Gone

I like it when you're gone
for an afternoon or evening
I vacuum and consolidate the garbage,
cook and listen to my
books on tape,
watch my shows
maybe even pee
with the door open
luxuriating in the privacy.

For a day
I stay busy
more cleaning-
wiping counters, scrubbing sinks,
sweeping stairs-
perhaps reorganizing drawers
or mopping floors
maybe I'll try a new dish
something ambitious
to impress on your return.

A weekend
I can tolerate
but the tasks begin to reach
color coding DVDs
cleaning baseboards
reading entire books
journaling then ordering dozens
of prints on Shutterfly
to augment said journaling.

I enjoy it mostly
but there's only so much
solitary fussing that can be done
before the reality sets in.

After days
I notice a dulling
yes, I miss you
your laugh
your comforting embrace
your conversation
and encouragement
your simple companionship
but I realize more acutely
the absence of our partnership
which over years has become
just as vital a part of me
my identity
as my love of movies
my compulsive cleaning
my hometown Rockford
my motorcycle
as defining
as anything that makes me me
and in your protracted absence
I feel a startling weakness
and I am reminded
how much strength you give me
how enlivening is our love
and though I know I can endure
I'd rather not
so please come home.

Last Day At Zion

Last full day in Zion today, head out tomorrow morning for Vegas for the fly back. Went on a longer hike on the East Rim Trail for most of the morning, rolling desert surrounded by colorful crags, had the trail mostly to ourselves. In the afternoon we took one final spin around the park in the shuttle and walked around a bit saying our goodbyes. Capped it off with dinner at the tried and true Subway.

Coming into this I was somewhat apprehensive about how crowded the park would be because that's the warning in basically every review or write up. And it certainly was well attended even at the end of October but it seemed like most people were only there to do the two most well known hikes, Angel's Landing and The Narrows, and quite frankly most of the people weren't rude exactly but certainly weren't particularly friendly. A stark difference than most of the National Parks we've been to as far as the culture. It was more tourist destination than natural sanctuary. Which is fine, the park service needs the exposure, but the relief for me was that with a little research we could go off the beaten path, and be virtually alone. No matter where you are the park is breathtaking, vast, and stirring. There's an serene enormity to it, a graceful yet daunting beauty, that's really moving. Nicole and I had a wonderful time, we did a bit more planning this year and struck the perfect balance of activities and longer exertions. It's always nice to get away from work, get out of the city, but this was particularly needed and particularly special.

6th Anniversary

Nicole and I celebrated six years together today. We went to Ali Wong yesterday(amazing) and out for a fancy meal this evening. It was really fun but there was so much food and all of it had an obscene amount of butter in it.

As time goes by we know each other better, our partnership deepens, and the challenges we've navigated and fun things we've done compound to create this broadening shared experience. Over time the hurdle is keeping things fresh, not falling into extended routines, and doing special stuff for our anniversary is a way to do that, to break out of comfortable patterns that can, if left for too long, become sedentary. It was a great anniversary and with our wedding next year this year will be an exciting one and I can't wait for it.

Engagement

When I heard people say
"I love them more every day"
I thought it hyperbolic
or even outright fabrication
but after years I discover
a truth more poignant than fiction
love is not a line
straight, uniform and rigid
but a flowing, blooming, looping thing
that crests and ebbs
but always grows
and from time to time wonder
like a flash of lightening
reveals a previously uncharted
reservoir of feeling
and these revelations compound
each one upon the last
and I realize, yes
I love you more every day
and that is not platitude or flattery
but bone-deep and resonate certainty.

Valentine's Day Poem

I'll be with you
till the end of time
our paths forever
intertwined
as we age
come what may
partners today
and every other

The Numbers For 2018

Year #6 without a drink. I didn't do it alone, I couldn't. I've stayed sober because of the help of others and the grace of my Higher Power.

I read 62 books my top 5 were The Sudden Appearance of Hope, The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, The Minotaur Takes A Cigarette Break, The Anubis Gates, and Paradox Bound.

I saw 82 movies in the theater.

I fired a gun for the first time.

We(Nicole and I) went to 2 author events(Christina Henry and Esther Perel).

We went to 2 Michelin starred restaurants(Topolobampo and Parachute).

We went to 4 weddings.

We went ice skating once.

I went on 3 vacations (Richmond, motorcycle trip around Lake Michigan, New Mexico).

I saw 1 adolescent hero- Broon.

I did 48 shows with Deep Schwa.

I did 47 shows with Sight Unseen.

I did 9 shows with Plane Station.

I did 4 shows with Terrific Six(various mixes of members from my first improv team The Album).

I directed 1 solo show.

I understudied and performed in the play Deerfield Inn once.

I wrote 68 poems, 3 essays, and did 9 readings.

I rode my motorcycle for 6 months.

I went to 1 magic show.

I went to 0 funerals.

I went to 0 plays.

I went to 0 concerts.

I helped celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday.

Nicole and I celebrated our 5th Anniversary.

A full year, a satisfying year, a fast year. I'm grateful for each and every day.

Florida Xmas

Spending the holiday down in Florida with Nicole's family. It's the first time I've been out of the Midwest for Xmas. A bit of an adjustment but beautiful weather and nice to spend time with Nicole's parents and sister.

 Saw the sunrise the day after we got here and then went to watch the sunset over the water.

Went on a hike through an abandoned sugar plantation now a state park. The park was totally deserted, the landscape was quiet and stunning but it was pretty eerie.

Santa came on Christmas Eve which was very exciting although he was a little grumpy. We opened presents, relaxed, and watched movies today. We head back tomorrow. It's been a fun, and warm, holiday. Different certainly than my family and our traditions and actual winter but it was really good and about time Nicole and I start splitting our time a bit more equally with our families.

Botanic Garden

 Yesterday was Nicole and I's 5th anniversary. As part of the celebration we went to the botanic garden today. Expansive and beautiful!

"I love you"

There was a time
when I use to pour myself
from a bottle of Jim Beam
isolated, lonely, and desperate.
Any woman
who showed me
a modicum of interest
or affection
I would drunkenly
proclaim my love for
in hopes it would fill
my emptiness,
bring order
to my chaos,
mend my
brokenness,
to no ones surprise
it never did.

Sober now
I'm mostly whole
and at peace
available to to give love
and receive it.
I met a woman
who is partner, lover,
and best friend
with whom I have
an emotional
symbiosis
I no longer take and take and take
and can say "I love you"
with conviction
know it's depth
and implication
no longer a ploy
or forlorn pronouncement
but real, sincere, and understood.

Romantic Conflict

Recently some friends told me some things they've said to their partners when they were fighting that kind of shocked me in how combative they were. After asking around it seems its not too out of the norm for people to lash out in their LTR in this way when arguing.

To me the idea of telling my partner to "fuck off" or deliberately being condescending, insulting, or pointedly angry is pretty out there. Walks, if not totally obliterates, the line of dysfunction. But that's me and the way I operate in a relationship is different than what works for other people. Some people need the conflict to air out resentments and fears they may not have been capable of voicing outside the context of a fight. Sometimes that personality clash, that emotional explosion, is necessary, its cathartic. As long as there is resolution, as long as communication is ongoing, as long as it works, who am I to judge. Ultimately it's just a matter of perspective and viewing any situation like 'this is the way I do it and therefore that is categorically correct' is not only wrong its self-centered to the extreme.

I use to be a pretty angry guy, unpredictable with SO's, friends, and strangers alike in when I would vent my temper. Part of that was just who I was, the only way I knew to express emotion, maybe my preferred method for doing so. The other part of why I acted like that, operated out of a baseline of fear that came out as anger was because of my addiction. After I got sober I did, and still do, a lot of work on changing my behavior, how I process my feelings, and how I react to people and situations. What that amounts to is basically building in a pause(or attempting to) between my initial emotional reaction to things and when I respond. Feeling my feelings and then examining my initial response before speaking it aloud. With potential arguments or stressful situations my initial response is almost always rude or combative or counterproductive or all three. And so most times I don't. I say nothing, I walk away, I take some time and put together a constructive response.

Yesterday Nicole and I both got home late and were hungry. When I was getting out of the shower she asked me to clean out the drain more frequently. My head immediately went to tallying the various chores we do to keep the apartment in order and, of course, painted myself as the one who shouldered the majority of the burden and fanned the flames of my offense that she would even ask me that given all the other stuff I do. What I said was "OK" and walked away. After I had eaten I realized I didn't really care, the reality was that I'd be happy to take an extra ten seconds to wipe some toilet paper over the drain. We talked it out a bit more and it was all good. If I had lashed out, she would have most likely responded in kind, the conversation wouldn't have really gone any where, and it would have taken the evening maybe even the next day or two for the tension to dissipate. But that's us.

We all communicate in our own particular ways that work for us. Some more combative than others, some more reserved than others. But the important thing is to do the communicating. To put thought to voice, to listen and attempt some mutual understanding. Bottled up issues turn into resentments so its important to talk about those things we want or need or believe before they boil over. The other side of it is a discussion or suggestion or request isn't necessarily an attack or judgement even though it can feel that way. It's tough. But as long as you try, as long as you keep the conversation going, however imperfectly, you can emerge on the other end better partners. It's silence that can be the relationship killer.

Listen

There's a tendency

to want to solve

the problem

to correct

suggest

advise

to try to

minimize

package

and plan

against

the chaos

that is

living

but

more often

than not

the best gift

is an open ear-

your opinion

means little,

your attention

does much.

Pumpkin's Past

Me and my girlfriend
carve the pumpkin
she squishes the guts
and I scrape the rind
we reminisce
about pumpkin's past
cutting jack-o-laterns
with our parents
on our respective
kitchen floors

Picking out seeds
for later snacks
we debate
their baking methods
influenced
by our own traditions
and quietly work
on our large gord
hoping the leering face
will stave off the ghosts
for another year

Everything's Fine

There is this expectation
part conditioning
to internalize any distress
to bottle up emotion
because it's perceived as weak
or uncouth or inconsequential
as if pain and vulnerability
weren't essential building blocks
of humanity,
encouraged
to say everything is fine
and turn a smile to the world
to hide internal turbulance
but the weight
is not ours alone to bear
it may take some practice
to speak up
to give form and voice
to hardship
but it is necessity
because there are times
when everything is not fine
isolation is no help
for healing.

Lady of the Lake

Nicole and I sat by the lake this afternoon and read. Nice to take advantage of the gradually dissipating summer. We've both had it pretty hard the last couple weeks at work so some calming lake time was much needed. We're gearing up for our vacation in a week but still have to power through another work week to get there. For now I'm finding distraction and contentment in the company of my loving partner.