60

Some days are easy. The sun is shining. I have plans with friends and there are good movies to see. On good days I'll have shows and meetings I like to go to. I'll sleep well, be energized and eat right. I'll have a clear head and easily be kind to others. Letting very little bother me. I'll give back, do right by others as well as myself. I'll be patient.

Other days are hard. It's gloomy. I've stayed up late and slept most of the day light away. I'll be drowsy, irritable, or frazzled. I'll stay at home most of the day trapped in my own head. I'll drink too much coffee and chain smoke cigarettes. I'll get stuck in a depressing book and be unable to pull myself out of it. I'll watch a whole season of a show on my computer. I'll ignore calls or get calls from friends who are back out there. I'll react in an unpleasant manner to my family or friends. I'll lack compassion. I'll stay hungry and let the hunger turn to discontent. I'll leave my bike locked up and take a cab if I need to go somewhere. I'll eat out. I'll eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting. I'll be uninspired and let my thoughts churn themselves into a doubting lethargy.

Most days are good. I'm under no illusions all days will be like that. When I have bad days, days where I struggle, I realize those are the days I need to rely on other people, on being healthy, on staying active. We all have bad days, we all have tragedies in our lives big and small. It's inevitable, no one has a perfect life, a life safe from strife. But all things can be handled, can be mourned, and gotten through. All it takes is a clear head, a full heart, and the willingness to move forward.

I feel like I'm really living for the first time in a long time. And it feels good. The ups and downs, the pain and the joy.

I'm still here.