Every time I cry, I have this thought... It's not really real, but in my brain I say that I wonder if this is the last time I cry. I then tell myself "probably not" and I wonder when the next time I cry is going to be. If it's going to be because I hurt myself, or because someone I love has died. I wonder if it'll be because my heart got broken. Or maybe it's just because of a movie. I wonder if I'll lose a family heirloom or if I'll hear a song from a time when things felt better.
And then I get this hope that I'll never cry again. That this is the last time I will ever be sad. And the hope is so strong and it almost becomes a real thing.
And then the dread sets in. The dread of knowing that of course this isn't the last time I'm going to cry. That a lot of the things that make me happy right now, at some point, will go away. And when they do I'll mourn them and I'll cry. And I have known only a fraction of the pain I will know. Of the humiliations I will suffer. Of the betrayals and the let downs and missed opportunities. I have so much more crying to do. And I don't want to do it.
To calm itself, my brain just makes it a math problem. I wager at how many times the average human cries in a year. How many years I'm likely to live... How age and other demographicy things might affect the amount of crying.... yadda yadda.
If it's numbers it's removed and numbers don't make me cry... Well, not anymore.
I assume I have a lot of cries to go before I die.
And then I get this hope that I'll never cry again. That this is the last time I will ever be sad. And the hope is so strong and it almost becomes a real thing.
And then the dread sets in. The dread of knowing that of course this isn't the last time I'm going to cry. That a lot of the things that make me happy right now, at some point, will go away. And when they do I'll mourn them and I'll cry. And I have known only a fraction of the pain I will know. Of the humiliations I will suffer. Of the betrayals and the let downs and missed opportunities. I have so much more crying to do. And I don't want to do it.
To calm itself, my brain just makes it a math problem. I wager at how many times the average human cries in a year. How many years I'm likely to live... How age and other demographicy things might affect the amount of crying.... yadda yadda.
If it's numbers it's removed and numbers don't make me cry... Well, not anymore.
I assume I have a lot of cries to go before I die.
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