Rage

I was angry for a long time. Not overtly so. Under the surface, simmering. I identified myself as 'the angry guy' and took pleasure in other people labeling me that. It was something to hold on to, something defining. I had a lot of fear, hate, and jealousy. Instead of dealing with any of those emotions I projected it outward towards the world which I felt like never gave me my due. I was alone so I struck back at every opportunity.  I was great at cutting other people down, ranting, and vehemently arguing people into submission.

My dad has a joke about our Norwegian blood and our hot tempers. "I'm just an even-tempered Norwegian: always angry." I didn't see any humor in it, I took it as slogan to live my life on. I've talked a lot of shit. I'm very good at it. I've also had occasion to get very good at dramatically changing a conversation if the person I was degrading walks into the room.

One of the things I regret most was one time in college. I was at a theater party with a bunch of theater people, I was a theater major. At the beginning of every semester the shows were cast for that semester and there were lots of parties the following weekend to celebrate or commiserate. At this particular time I had been cast but some of my female friends had not. I felt I was justifiably angry, righteous even. I proceeded to tear up a girl whom I barely knew to a room of twelve of my peers. I barely knew this girl but I categorically broke down and criticized her talent summing up my argument that she was simply a pretty face and even cast veiled aspersions on her promiscuity. Some people were laughing but in retrospect I'm sure most of them were uncomfortable. Then she walked in, it was like one of those record scratch moments in the movies, utter silence. Without missing a beat I started talking mid sentence in a unrelated conversation.

The past couple months I've let go of anger. It's not that I don't feel it anymore but I realize that for the most part there is no benefit to it. Negative emotions only beget negativity. If I take that energy and put it towards myself, put it toward progressing and furthering my ideas, I'll see my productivity increase dramatically. There's no point in flicking off someone in traffic, there's no point in snapping at someone, there's no point in fighting, there's no point in harboring ill will. There's no payoff, it does nothing for you, it simply occupies your mind and deadens your mood.

I'm not a push over now, make no mistake. But whenever I feel that heat I take a moment and pause. What do I really want? What's the best approach to dealing with this situation? It's usually not yelling and insults and single-mindedness.

There may be a time for rage. But not now and not soon.