An Open Letter to the Guy Who Clogged the Toilet at Work

Dear Toilet Paper Addict,

Well, it happened again. I swung open the door to the handicapped stall here at work - the most spacious one of the four, up against the wall so there's only one neighboring stall - to see a sickening mass of wet, soiled toilet paper choking the bowl. Disgusted, I turned away and took one of the less desirable stalls.

This is not the first time I've seen your handiwork. Seems like at least once a week the toilet is wrecked. Are you to blame every time, or are there multiple offenders? I hope we don't have more than one person here who so grossly misjudges how much toilet paper even a commercial toilet can handle in a single flush. If you are the sole perpetrator, how is it you haven't learned from your mistakes?

I wonder if you're the one I heard wiping yourself a few weeks ago. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First the metallic clicking of the toilet paper roll being advanced, then what sounded like a piece of wood being sanded. Back and forth, back and forth, multiple wipes with the same handful of paper! Again and again the roll was pulled, with no flushing in between. What were you doing in there? How many times must you wipe yourself before you feel clean? How many rolls do you go through a day at home?

I should bang on the door of your stall as I hear it happening. "Hey! What are you doing in there?! Knock it off!!" You deserve to be shamed not only for your bizarre obsessive-compulsive ass-cleaning ritual, but because every time you clog the toilet, you just walk away and leave it for the rest of us to see and for one of the janitors to deal with. It's not their job to clean up after grown men who behave like recently potty trained three-year-olds.

I will find you, I will expose you, and no amount of wiping will remove your shame.

Regards,
Ryan McClelland

You can find Ryan's excellent blog about fatherhood and family life here.