Stark Reminders

In recovery I've become hyper-sensitive to certain things. Mostly drinking and drug talk. Before the show yesterday someone said to themselves a couple times "I really want a drink". After the show I was heading out and someone was saying to me repeatedly "I just want to do drugs! I just want to do drugs and dance!" Which is all fine. I don't mind that kind of talk(although its somewhat startling and unpleasant) and I realize that its a reflection of behaviors some people are capable of engaging in without consequence. But those kinds of statements are flares to someone with my particular condition. Bright, hot words that demand focus and bring back memories. It's a good reminder for me, it keeps my own personal reality at the forefront.

Tonight Nicole and I went to Ryan's birthday/housewarming party. It was the first party-party I'd been to in a long while and I had a certain amount of trepidation about it. The attitudes, the environment, and the vibe felt very familiar, very conducive to the get-fucked-up-now mentality I used to have. Not to say people were out of control, but just a fun atmosphere that if someone were to get out of control no one would make a big deal of it. Being clearheaded at a party requires a different type of rhythm but once I found it I had a good time. Seeing people around me imbibing with varying degrees of restraint was bizarre. Not bad, just odd. We left at the perfect time, when a lot of people were showing up. A must for me in that type of circumstance is to keep my exposure limited.

I've found myself in a number of conversations recently where people start discussing and describing the taste of different beers. Stout vs. lager, pumpkin ale vs. pumpkin spice, fall seasonal home brew vs. micro brew specialty mint holiday whatever. Blah, blah, blah. It's not that I don't get it- beer and brewing are big hobbies for a lot of folks. But for me its unsettling. It's like seeing an ex-lover you had a falling out with- unexpected, awkward, distasteful.

These instances and my reactions to them were fleeting, echoes from my other life.  I am grateful for these brief discomforts. I am reminded of who I am and who I am becoming.