Attrition 2

I've been feeling pretty depleted recently. A result of the weather mostly I think. Always wanting to sleep in, stay in, veg out. It's hard to combat, this prevalent lethargy and low-level apathy. As I've gotten more and more sober time I think I've become more sensitive. I damped down my emotions so long with booze it's still a relatively new experience dealing with them head on.

The first couple years I was sober the big challenge was dealing with people. Not giving in to anger, frustration, or petulance. Not lashing out. Learning to develop a moment of pause before reacting. Curbing or eliminating resentful words, unwarranted accusations, and unproductive attacks. I've made progress but it's something I'm always working on and aware of.

Emotions that come on for no particular reason, with no discernible source, not a direct reaction to something but a response to something more nebulous, maybe nothing whatsoever, that's what I've been struggling with the past couple weeks. When you're happy its not something you have to figure out you just enjoy it but when you're sad that's something you have to work through.

For a long time winter was just a protracted excuse for me to isolate and drink. I didn't feel anything above a low grade desperation because I was anesthetizing myself. As a sober man I've found myself just as susceptible to SAD as anyone else, if not more so. Sometimes I feel its unjust, feeling blue for no reason, other times I'm grateful I have the capacity to feel and process emotions at all. It's not as if its some crippling depression more like a vague sense of unease. It will pass, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, sometime soon.

Days get longer, time rolls on, spring approaches.