A friend texted me yesterday asking to talk. The initial text was relatively vague but seemed urgent. We went back and forth a bit and I made plans to meet this friend after work today. They had a situation come up at work that they wanted to talk through and get some advice on. I listened mostly and offered some suggestions after they laid out what had happened. I think they felt better after the conversation.
Laid out like that it was pretty simple but internally it was anything but. Initially I thought, why couldn't my friend just tell me what's going on over text, then I told them I could call them but they told me they didn't like to talk on the phone(something a lot of people seem to say now that I find kind of mystifying) but would because I was doing them a favor(which made me feel kind of guilty), when it became clear my friend wanted to meet face-to-face about this I thought of my busy schedule and how it was a pain in the ass to carve out some time for whatever this thing was. But I did. And the reality was it was easy and after we met I could tell my friend was pretty upset and wound up about this thing and that they were relieved to talk it out and get another perspective. Ultimately it didn't even upset my schedule in any way because I already happened to be in my friend's neighborhood.
The point being my first reaction was a selfish one, I didn't want to do anything that would or might inconvenience me. But instead of acting on that first impulse I was willing to be available for my friend, even if I was reluctant it was left unspoken and ultimately irrelevant, we found a time that worked and I showed up for my friend. Easy for some people maybe but not for me- the pause before reacting, the willingness to be malleable and then taking some kind of action- took and takes time and practice. The result is that I got to actually be a friend to my friend, to be of service, to show my care and compassion through offering a listening ear, and that feels good. What I get in return is just as valuable to me as what I'm offering. I offer companionship and I receive it. I'm gratified by being able to provide some small measure of help and my friend is appreciative of it.
This is all to say taking action, whether it be something mundane or convoluted, something clerical or interpersonal, something innocuous or intense, starts with the willingness to say yes, to be available, to show up. And that does not mean whatever it may be isn't irritating or a hassle and certainly I'm not advocating for total selflessness I'm just saying if someone asks for help you should if you can. Because ultimately it feels good and you'll get back more than you give. Even if your initial reaction is(like mine frequently is) there's nothing I'd rather not do.
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