Grandpa Irv

I was raised Lutheran but never felt any affinity towards religion and never believed in a Christian God. I never prayed. I never talked to someone when they weren't there or asked for help.

Today things came to a head. I felt a storm inside me churning with anxiety. I couldn't take it, I felt helpless and alone. For the first time I dropped to my knees and I asked for help. I asked my Grandfather who got sober late in his life and turned it around. I've always felt a special connection with him even though he died when I was very young. And the strangest thing happened.

I felt all my nerves light up with this soothing energy that ran through my entire body. All the bad thoughts and feelings were taken away and were replaced with this wondrous clarity and calm. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. A lot of things seemed to click into place. I was finally ready.

Escape

Have you ever stood across from a park and been not allowed to walk through it?
Have you ever looked at the lake and been not allowed to jump in?
Have you ever stood in the sun simply to enjoy its rays, savoring every precious moment because you knew the clock was ticking?
Do you remember VHS tapes? When was the last time you watched one of them?
When was the last time you drank OJ out of a single serving cup with a foil lid?
Ever had to do laundry every day?
If you totaled up the time you used your cell phone everyday would it be longer than 20 minutes?
Have you ever looked forward all day to simply walk outside?
Have you ever stood at the edge of the lake, put out your arms, felt the wind under them, and wished you would be lifted away?

Birds don't fly by flapping their wings. They fly by riding the currents of the air.

Trapped

There are different kinds of prisons. A physical prison is the most obvious. Being confined. Another is a prison of circumstance. A situation you are in that you cannot get yourself out of. Another, the prison of the mind. You are in a mental state that traps you, restricts you, dictates your actions.

Being confined physically is bad. Having your physical freedom, your mobility taken away from you. Someone tells you where you can and cannot walk, where you can and cannot sit, when and under what circumstances you can go outside.

Being a confined by your circumstances is also bad but more so guilt ridden and shaming. Most of the time had you done this or not done that you would not be in the situation you're in.

Being confined by your own mind is the worst. Your own body, your own thoughts are guiding you into a prison of your own making. You see yourself walking into this prison, locking the door, throwing away the key.

But you can do nothing to stop it.

A Parable About Pain

Long ago there was a plains village.
A number of huts clustered around a central cooking fire.
In one of the huts there laid a boy with a demon inside him.
Most of the time the boy laid there still and was cared for by the village.
Sometimes he thrashed about.
Sometimes he would get up during the night and cause trouble.
He would light huts on fire.
Or release tethered horses.
Or spoil food.
Or trample crops.
Or start fights with other boys.
And still the village took care of the boy.
They knew it was not the boy but the demon that did these things.
Time passed.
The boy became a young man. He became stronger.
The nights he would get up from his cot and cause trouble increased in number.
Still the village cared for the young man but fear and tension grew.
One night when the boy was sleeping the village held in a meeting.
There were discussing whether or not to send the young man out of the village.
The night was dark and the moon was full and red.
The fire light danced along the faces of the villagers. Worry and sadness in each one.
Out of the darkness walked an old man, bent, walking with a stick.
The old man smiled with much joy. "You have a demon in your village."
"Yes, there has been a demon in our village for a long time." the villagers replied. "We do not know what to do."
"You are in luck" the old man replied still smiling radiating joy and peace.
He hobbled into the young mans hut.
The next morning the young man walked out of the hut clear eyed for the first time since he was a boy.
The demon was gone.
Time passed.
The young man was a great asset to the village.
He had a green thumb.
He was a great rider and hunter.
He was kind.
But something lingered.
There was something the villagers could not quite banish.
They feared the demon might return.

Friendship Is Rare

I would guess that most people have a lot of friends. Most people have a good number of people they hang out with and shoot the shit with. But friendship, real friendship is rare. A person that will drop everything and come to help you or keep you company are rare. I've been blessed with many beautiful friends that care about me. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it. But you never know. You never know how bonds are forged. You never know what small thing you did that endears someone to you. Sometimes it's how long you've been friends, sometimes it's shared interest, sometimes it's something intangible: a magnetic connection. This past week has been one of the hardest of my life and when I reached out a lot of people were there. Good friends, dear friends, friends who care and only have love in their hearts. I'm grateful for them all. Eternally grateful.

Thank you to all my friends. Thank you Jen, James, Nick, and HP most of all. Thank you Tisher, Beanpole, Julia, and Molly.

When things get hard reach out. You'll be surprised how many hands there are to grasp.

Storms 2

When there's a storm inside
It's hard to sit still, it's hard to simply be
Waiting itself is hard. Storms don't wait
They crash and crack. And do what they will
People are not storms.
We must be comfortable in our own skins
Sometimes we'll have to wait
Patiently waiting for what the world has in store for us

I am not patient, I think I am a storm

Storm's quickly blow themselves out.

Fog 2

I stood alone and fearful.
I was too scared to step forward or back.
So I stood. Still.
As the fog gathered around my feet.
My knees.
My waist.
Then my chest.
And still I did not move.
Fear had enveloped me before the fog.
Soon the white vapor swirled around me entire.
And I was blind.