My First Friend

Has passed
into the clearing
at the end of the path

by his own hand

We grew apart

some years ago

not through contention

only time and distance

I'm not naive enough

to believe

I could have effected

the outcome

But I wish

I wish I could have told him

he will live forever

in my secret heart

Watching Pee-wee's Big Adventure 

eating Pop-Ice

riding bikes and playing soccer

the easy, unfraught days of youth

Eternal

Domesticity

There's a lot to navigate
logistics, compromise, food

it's noisy, chaotic

but gratifying

the texture of it

the depth

easy to get lost in

the labyrinthine obligation

sometimes it's good

to disappear

in service to others

Schwa

And trust
and commonality
and understanding
and community
and united purpose

within this circle of protection

these confines

safety

boundless freedom

Sight Unseen 10th Anniverary

Jimmy and I started Sight Unseen ten years back, he had been teaching at the Annoyance for awhile and wanted to do improv more regularly and to have a place students could see him as we had both had various bad experiences with teachers over the years who didn't actually perform just taught. He also thought students get better faster playing with more experienced players so that's where the Fishbowl portion of the show came from. We pitched a couple people each and put the team together and we've had a weekly show ever since. We never performed together before the first show, never rehearsed, hence the name.

This week we celebrated 10 years and did some shows with Jimmy, Mark, MB, and Meaghan coming in from out of town. Really nice to be together and perform and see the similarities and differences in the cast and how the style has both morphed and maintained with members leaving and new folks coming aboard.

I've been a part of a lot of different improv teams and various shows but this is one of the only things I helped originate and over the years have helped perpetuate. Its been so much fun and so inspiring and I'm really proud of it.

Thanks to those that came out and that have supported us over the years.

Six Flags Great America

It is perhaps
more thrilling now
than it ever was

three friends and I

all middle-aged

more open

to the joy of it

more in touch

with pure wonder

than we ever were

as posturing adolescents

more grateful

for the six hour adventure

however corporate or contrived

having lived

the daily grind 

knowing its mundanity

we revel

in the simple fun

of the day

in the pleasure

of the company

and the immediacy

of the moment.

Minnesota Trip

Been up in Minnesota with my HS friend Beanpole to do some hiking and paddling.

Jay Cooke State Park. Beautiful but muddy, buggy, and wet.

St. Croix State Park. Huge, empty, saw a black bear.

Banning State Park. An old overgrown quarry. 

Stayed at a cabin on Sturgeon Lake, wonderful and relaxing.

Ping-Pong

We played a lot back then
Adam and I

unformed young men

searching, uncertain

the game a balm

a focus point

an anchor

as our adulthood emerged

looking back

those hours were precious

a necessary simplicity

a joy

the last vestige

of our adolescent days

Fellowship

I am grateful
for my friend's generosity and trust
to be welcomed, subsumed

however briefly

into his family's domesticity
however simple
for that is where life is
most of the time
the routines, the day-to-day
we wake up together
eat together, run errands
figure out logistics
and for a time I am apart of it
integral, intimate, entwined
its precious
and I take none of it for granted.

Prairie du Chien

Spending a long weekend at a cabin with one of my oldest HS buds Adam. The area is where the Mississippi and Wisconsin rivers meet, a beautiful valley with bluffs and bogs and all kinds of waterways. A good time to get away and decompress.

LA Visit

 Been in LA the past couple days to visit Jimmy and his family. Really wonderful, relaxing trip. I'd never much cared for LA before but this time tried to plan less, not have much of an agenda, and just go with the flow a bit more which worked out.

Bear Witness

One thing I like to do
is visit friends who have moved away

and just live their lives with them

activities too

don't get me wrong, I'm on vaca

but also

get up when they normally get up

go to sleep when they normally go to sleep

get a sandwich at their sandwich place

drink their favored brand of coffee

help put the dishes away

ask them where they all go

I do this because I want to know my friends

but also because I want them to know

they are seen.

A Void

My friend is gone
not dead, moved
but the space he left-

only in his absence

do I realize it's vastness

the uncertainty

he left behind

not anything acute

nothing drastic

but a persistent ache

a phantom limb

Cabin Weekend

Went up to a cabin in WI for my bachelor party, it was really fun to bring together and spend time with people I care about from different parts of my life. Things have been stressful with the wedding coming up quickly, work, and some other personal stuff so it was really nice and needed to get away for a bit.

Cabin Weekend

Recently we made the decision to postpone our wedding, an obvious and obviously correct choice to make it was still surprisingly difficult. With the world in such flux I realized I was counting on this one thing, the wedding, to be "normal". But ultimately it's the right choice and in accepting it I can better accept this new and ever-changing world that is our new reality.

I had already reserved a cabin for the bachelor party and those in the wedding party in the area used it. It was really nice not only to get away for a bit but to connect with my friends and sister, to have them connect, and to feel celebrated. Nicole and I may not be getting married this year but we still have wonderful friends and family and there's still so much to be grateful for.

Considering What's Owed

I saw an old friend
at a wedding
she just had her second kid
and I'm engaged
we caught up
reminisced a bit
and it was good.

It made me think
how strange
time can be
and that saying
"time heals all wounds"
may not be true
but there's truth in it.

Eight years ago
this friend
hosted my intervention
at her apartment
and only now
do I realize
I never considered the effect on her.

There must
have been a cost
in time and stress and energy
weathered patience
and tested credulity
perhaps there remains a debt
for what was taken but never fully given back.

Drew

the saddest thing about it is for awhile there i thought we were best friends
i wanted to hang out with you all the time and only partly because you had a car
i never had a brother never had a confidant never felt like someone totally got me
i thought you did we would drive around talking and inventing games and inside jokes
drop in on unsuspecting classmates or play video games and watch kubrick movies in awe
inseparable for awhile then you got a job at target and when i asked you that time at lunch
what your work schedule was you snapped at me as if my attention was unwanted
our friendship a burden like i was some repugnant leech and i never understood why
you said that and acted that way and we were never that close again and honestly
i hated you for awhile especially in college when you were such a negative boring
mopey waste of space and when i saw you at the reunion i realized it didn't really matter
and i didn't actually care about you and i was actually glad you made me feel like shit
for asking to hang out in the lunch room all those years ago because if you hadn't
i may not have realized what a friend is and should be and that its ok to let go of a friendship
that doesn't make sense or doesn't make you feel good or doesn't give you anything back
so really i'm actually really happy we were friends because we did have a great time
for those first couple months at least and then you helped me learn a valuable lesson
to let go.

Birthday Dinner

Sharing food
has been communal
before homes were sedentary
clans and tribes would roam
but together feast,
sitting with my friends
in celebration of me
and our simple company
on the deck in the warm evening sun
we tap into some enduring thread
of humanity
we eat in this moment
together
and are grateful for it.

Mountain Reservoir

Another hike today, really stunning and we pretty much had the trails to ourselves. Adam and Beanpole are my oldest friends, about twenty years, and although we don't get see each other as often as we'd like to there is still this huge pool of shared experience and upbringing that makes it really wonderful and easy to reconnect and get on the same page. It can be easy to let the busyness of life fill up the schedule but it's important to plan trips and time off and to make time for those people that truly matter in your life.

Bridging The Gap

Sometimes
an absence
a void
is a wound
a hurt
made habitual
made ignorable
until
it is healed
then relief
then realization
the pain has been there
all along
but now banished
bridged.

I talked to a friend
I thought lost
not through conflict
or estrangement
but distance
and time
I found our connection
perhaps not iron
like once it was
but strong
and sustaining.

Adulting

I stop by my friend's apartment
to give him a baby blanket
as he and his fiance
are expecting,
we commiserate
about wedding planning,
talk around
his impending
life enlargement
and embrace in farewell
with love
and without
self consciousness.
It was the highlight of my day.

Simple, maybe, but not easy.
Mundane, perhaps, but affecting.