Expectation

New Year's Eve has always seemed to me like the most impossible of holidays. The desire is for something extravagant and wild, for something year defining, providing some kind of definitive closure. But it almost never fulfills that desire, it is simply a day like any other. And because of that expectation placed on it both externally from society and internally from ourselves it is almost always a disappointment.

I put partying to bed a while ago so NYE isn't really on my radar anymore but it serves as a good example of the kind of inevitable let down high expectations can provoke. And certainly this is true of events or experiences in general, another obvious example is movies. Knowing a lot about the plot of a movie or hearing a lot of positive things about it before seeing it can typically make it unsatisfying. Although more complex this can be true of people.

The relationships we have with friends, family, and significant others are(most likely) the most fulfilling we have in our lives but they can also be the most frustrating(if you're someone who viscerally connects to strangers only to never see them again or has an understated but lasting attraction to co-workers you only know peripherally more power to you but then this is probably not applicable). We are more sensitive with and expect more from our loved ones. And this is reasonable to varying degrees and up to a point. However expectation, especially expectation of behavior, almost always leads to disappointment, irritation, or resentment. Best case scenario you don't necessary notice when someone is behaving how you believe they should, its not necessarily something overt that you would, say, thank them for.

What I'm talking about is a bit beyond day to day minutia although it can manifest that way. Say a friend or relative is messy or chronically late and that bothers you. They live their life in a chaotic way that you find irritating, off putting, or inconvenient. They need to grow up and get it together, be responsible, or so you think. Perhaps someone is always complaining or worrying about this, that, or the other and this bothers you. They're general sense of anxiety is contagious. You tell them not to worry, everything's fine but it has no effect. Perhaps you have a friend or relative who you make all the plans with, you are always the one calling, texting, and scheduling. You resent the effort and want more in return but they may be totally oblivious even unwilling.

The reality is you can't control other people but what you can control is your reactions to them. You can't stop your friend or family member from being late or worrying(hey its whats working for them) but you can choose not to let it effect you. You can't make your friend or family member make plans with you but you can choose to stop reaching out as much. What you can do is set up boundaries. Which aren't inherently negative. Creating some distance or parameters for yourself with people that you love but also drive you a little crazy. In order, not to withdraw, but to get the most out of the relationship for both of you. And this can look like any number of things- limiting contact, limiting conversation topics, only seeing each other in a group or one-on-one. Any number of things. If your asking yourself what that looks like even more explicitly its saying to your friend "let's not talk about work" its making plans to get coffee but not a meal. Simple unobtrusive steps that can make you feel better about the relationships you have with the people you love. You can also decide that perhaps the cost is too high and you don't want to see someone anymore. That's OK too. You aren't obligated to maintain a connection with someone because of history.

Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" and keeping that sentiment in mind can help us curb our expectation of those we interact with and in so doing limit how effected we become when our friend who's always late shows up late or when our uber religious relative goes into a diatribe about how wonderful and essential their church is. We all have faults and quirks and are doing the best we can, we all have different interests and different ways of coping, and we can't change and mold each other through strength of will(probably a good thing). So then what can we do. We can be aware of our expectations and not let them dictate how we feel or react, we can set boundaries in order to take full advantage of our relationships. We can be an advocate for ourselves but let those things that don't matter truly slide.