Aftershocks

The past couple weeks I've been doing a sketch show at Second City, performing in the directors showcase for Craig, the prospective directors put up an hour long sketch show as their final project. It's been a fun experience, I haven't done a sketch show in almost five years so it's been fun to use those muscles again and the cast is people I hadn't known previously, mostly younger than me, so that has been invigorating in a way, working with people that, compared to me, have a relatively fresh perspective. The show itself I think is good, not groundbreaking but funny and well executed. Ultimately it's not really exactly my cup of tea anymore, I'm more interested in more personal emotional stories, more interested in narratives. Even so it's been a good experience.

Even though I told them it wasn't terribly important my parents were going to come to the show tonight and bring some other family members. They got a late start then got caught in traffic and ended up missing the show arriving shortly after it was done. Now running late is something that is typical in my family, you have to give most family events an additional hour leeway, its mostly understood. I know this but for whatever reason they're missing this show, something not out of character or much of a surprise, really upset me. There were other factors but basically I felt I was justified and was pretty prickly with them. We had dinner, they left, and the rest of evening I was still spinning about it, cycling through all the ways I felt I had been put in a position and not taken into consideration. But the reality is that all that anger, all that energy, had no purpose, no benefit, was only continuing to make me feel bad.

This past week was tough at work so I was pretty worn down and I think that contributed to my being more sensitive than usual but whether the feeling or the reaction was reasonable or not its immaterial. Perhaps if you're a boxer or talking to a Comcast customer service rep or slamming weights at the gym anger can be good but more often than not in actual day-to-day living its just poison.

Part of the issue in this instance was just lack of communication on both sides and that part of it can be worked on, clearer plans and expectations set. But things happen and for me I have to unpack why I reacted the way I did, honestly look at it, and do what I can to let go of whatever resentment I may still be carrying. I thought any issues I had with my family had been resolved and I thought I was pretty balanced in that department with healthy boundaries set but maybe that's not the case and it's my responsibility to look at my part. What unreasonable, unvoiced expectations have I put on them, what past perceived transgressions have I held on to. I need to figure that out and let go of whatever I find, move forward. Then in the moment that this kind of thing occurs I need to remember, no matter how tired or irritated I may be, to take a minute to breathe, be present, and let go of desired outcome. To remember that some situations although not ideal can be enjoyed if you allow yourself to do so.