Communication

Sometimes the hardest thing can be simply starting the conversation. If you have something that's bothering you, some issue you want or need to talk about, perhaps talk of finances or the future, maybe just minutia, starting the conversation can be difficult.

It is best to start with an expression of basic feeling- the topic that has been on your mind and how you're feeling about it. As trite as it may sound "I" statements work. Being sure of how you feel about a situation and telling another person insures some measure of clarity and purpose as opposed to attacking someone else or making demands which will almost always result in the other person becoming defensive or shutting down.

Picking an appropriate time and place for a conversation that has some kind of emotional stakes is also important. Interrupting an activity or stopping someone before they go somewhere to have a, potentially, intense conversation is an invitation for it to go poorly. Addressing an issue at a convenient time will also allow for further reflection, it is typically unhelpful to bring up an issue immediately in the moment because it has the tendency to come across as lashing out, there's also the possibility that something small, like being bothered about dirty dishes for example, is actually a manifestation of something a bit larger that is actually important. Time allows you to cool down as well as understand what you're actually feeling.

'Communication is key' is a cliche but as I've gotten older I've found that cliche and platitude although possibly eye-roll inducing typically offer some substantial truth. Communication is of fundamental importance not only with romantic relationships but all relationships, yet it still can be incredibly difficult. Everyone knows it but it doesn't make anyone particularly proficient at expressing themselves, only practice can do that.

Back in the Fall I applied to grad school for poetry. This past week I got my fourth and final rejection letter. Although I wasn't very confident I would get into to any of them I still hoped. And this week after I got resolution I found out I was more disappointed than I thought I would be, and a bit lost. It's something that I sat on for a couple days, was bothered by, and eventually something Nicole and I had to talk through. Not only in relation to my personal feelings but what it meant and how it effected our relationship. It was complicated and kind of tough but we're stronger and closer for it. And for me, and I think her too, there was relief in just talking about it. There is an incredible power in sharing thoughts and feelings, solidarity in unburdening fear, diminishment of voiced upset.