Alone Together

In her book Mating In Captivity Esther Perel talks about the evolution of marriage and the romantic relationship over the last hundred years or so. She posits, to grossly paraphrase, with more employment options for men and women, increased ease in geographic mobility, as well as more energy and importance given to professional success, familial and religious community has become less available and less important in adult life. With this comes the rise of the idea of a Soul Mate, someone who is not only your partner but your best friend, putting the pressure on one person to fulfill all your romantic, social, and intellectual needs.

She alleges this idea is one of the main problems in modern relationships, our singular lives breed isolation and so unfulfillable expectations are put on our romantic partners. This not only can strain or destroy a relationship it has also created a large single culture with individuals holding out for "the one", looking for mythical perfection. Without the support systems of a religious community and extended family Perel contends it is more important now to deliberately cultivate independent lives in conjunction with a shared partnership.

I was talking with a friend last week and they were talking about a fight they had with their significant other, the latest in a long series of them, where the partner was upset, in essence, about my friend being busy and not always being available when the partner wanted them. Coincidentally the partner has a job they don't like, no hobbies, and no real social life outside of the relationship. This is something I've dealt with in previous relationships and once you establish the pattern, seeing each other doing every day, spending all your time with each other, its hard to break out of that habit without one or both parties being hurt. That's not to say it can't be done but no relationship can survive that singular pressure and expectation of making the other person the solution. I have another friend who has at times expressed frustration, other times real gratification in how shared they and their spouse's lives are. They've said when they're alone they don't know what to do with themselves and it makes them anxious.

When talking about life my dad likes to use an analogy of a three legged stool. Family/Relationship, Profession, and Passion/Hobby. And says that ideally you got all three but it can stand with two, but with only one you'll fall. I think friendship is also integral part of that recipe. In a relationship the people can't be completely dependent on each other. People need individual interest, activities, and friends. Individual lives as well as a life for/through the partnership. Because those various avenues give structure and satisfaction that aren't dependent on one person who is by nature flawed, who is human. Having aspects of your life not dependent on your partner also creates space, and space creates desire(per Perel).

By having separate lives it actually strengthens the partnership, it gives it more value, keeps it alluring, prevents it from becoming rote. I'm not talking about compartmentalizing I'm talking about some measure of autonomy so in the event your significant other is busy you don't stay home, do nothing, and cook up a resentment. Having aspects of your life that don't necessarily involve your partner creates a fuller more diverse experience, a broader context, and we are the best partners when our lives are balanced between multiple facets rather than precariously perched on one sole recipient of our focus, energy, and expectation.