It's been a bizarre and difficult day. As someone in recovery I can be both hyper aware and hyper oblivious to certain things. At a previous job I had my manager had an alcohol problem and eventually resigned/was fired as a result. That whole process was very bizarre, odd behavior and people ignoring it or talking around it. I had a similar experience today which was pretty disturbing.
The past couple days this person I interact with frequently said they were sick but was still around. They seemed out of it, had balance problems, were slow to respond in conversation, and had articulation issues. Today they were sent home with little to no explanation except an undefined air of tension. Before today I took them at their word, that they were sick, but thinking about it it seems obvious this person was under the influence of some kind of controlled substance.
As this situation played out the stress of it hit me in the gut, kind of took the legs out from under me. Partly because I am the one that would have to cover for this individual meaning potentially a lot of extra responsibility, partly because the situation is so surreal and intense, and partly(maybe mostly) because the situation was so familiar. The behavior and the things that were said I knew intimately because before I got sober(what feels like another life time ago, another life) I said and did those exact same things. The making of excuses "I'm having personal issues." The flat out denial "I'm fine." The very real and tangible evidence of inebriation in a completely inappropriate setting. And the past rearing up its head in such an ugly blatant way was scary. Seeing it so plainly reminded me how close and how destructive my own addiction was and can be if I don't continue to take action against it.
Ultimately though it just makes me grateful, grateful for the turmoil that got me to the point of decision, to the point of surrender, and all the help and support and work that followed. This person and this situation were a glaring and discomforting reminder but a good reminder none the less. I'm not rich or famous or raveered but I am sober. And all the wonderful, exciting, affirming, inspiring things in my life come from that. I have great friends, a loving family, an amazing partner, vibrant creative outlets, a passion for cooking and reading and motorcycles and movies all of which I engage in frequently and none of it would I have without my ongoing recovery.
Sometimes life can be tedious, a grind. It may take a warning, a startling break in routine, to correct perspective. Because the reality is, at least for me, whatever trials I may face there's nothing that couldn't be made worse by a drink. Nothing that couldn't be destroyed by one.
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