A Birthday Poem

 for Katie

I'll always remember
May 2009
when we went
to Star Trek
because that
was the first time
I called you friend
in my secret heart

Another Year

I am in the place of my becoming

tempered against circumstance

molded by mistakes

seasoned through successes

I am myself

more so than I have ever been

today, in this expansive moment

the glorious and immediate Now

which can be so difficult to exist in

but there is solace in the knowledge

with each day am I clarified. Distilled.

Birthday Dinner

Sharing food
has been communal
before homes were sedentary
clans and tribes would roam
but together feast,
sitting with my friends
in celebration of me
and our simple company
on the deck in the warm evening sun
we tap into some enduring thread
of humanity
we eat in this moment
together
and are grateful for it.

Birthday Poem

A commissioned poem for a friend for her spouse's birthday.

Raise your wine-eken high
To celebrate a singular guy

Spouts Italian like a gondola driver
A crossword & Scrabble Kaiser

A humor so dry it can be biting
Like a jagged stroke of lightening
But never doubt the heart and passion
For people, art, and Athens

A playlist aficionado
Adopted scion of Chicago

Settled at North Wayne Avenue
Improv’s reluctant ingénue

For all the bdays before
And all those yet to come
I wish you joy, adventure,
And zero erosion of your aplomb

A Night of Jimmys

To celebrate Jimmy's birthday today all of Sight Unseen wore black t-shirts and blue jeans and drew fake tats on our arms for the show. The show went well and I think it's fun, especially for a team that has an open run, to mix it up every once in a while, to have a gimmick. It's playful and we celebrated Jimmy, win win.

Birthday's can be weird or maybe they just mean less as you get older but there still remains this expectation to make it a singular type day. Anyway, Jimmy has been a great friend for a long time so I was happy we did a little something for him, it's important to make a birthday special even in a small way. Life can be tedious or move fast or blur together so it's important to take a moment every now and again to let your friends know you love them, even if its just a reminder.

Take The Day

Today is my birthday. Nicole and I took the day off and went out for breakfast at Bakin' and Eggs then to the zoo.

And the Lincoln Park Conservatory.

Then to a movie and then met Jimmy and Thomas for dinner at PMU where I got my ceremonial slice of chocolate cake. It was a great day, low key, relaxing, and I did the things I enjoy most.

When I first moved to Chicago I worked on my birthday and got my bike stolen, a couple years later I worked on it again out of obligation and it just felt weird. I'm not one of those type of people who makes a big deal out of it I just think it's important to take a little time for yourself. I don't mind my job now but it already consumes a lot of my time and energy, a birthday should be celebrated if only simply. My advise, never work on your birthday whether its a big deal to you or not. The mental health dividends pay big.

I had a wonderful day, another year down, another year of challenges and potential to look forward to.

Thoughts On Another Year

During dark times life can seem like a series of if onlys. If only I had a better job, more money, recognition, opportunity, on and on. The idea that some achievement, some success, will be a solution. The reality is there is no magic button, no happy switch, no thing that will trigger a perfect life. Perfection isn't real, more importantly it isn't human.

Today I turned 32 and naturally its a time to reflect on the past year. I had a number of goals I set out to accomplish which, by and large, I did. But not without some compromises and sacrifices. This time last year I was about to be laid off and I wanted to take two months off to relax, recharge, and write. I did that and although there were times of boredom and ennui it was mostly great. Before I started a new job Nicole and I went on a motorcycle trip to the Badlands. It was an incredible experience, something I had wanted to do for years, but due to late September weather being what it is it was at times trying.

The new job I got and have had the past 9 months has been mostly good, a small office with friendly co-workers, decent pay, but with a sometimes frustrating lack of structure and clarity in the day-to-day operations. We'll see where it goes in the next couple months, it continues to be a work in progress.

I applied to grad schools in poetry. Something I had been thinking and talking about for a while. I didn't get accepted to any of them. A disappointment but not really a surprise. I wanted to put myself out there and see what kind of response I would get, I wanted to take the action and I did. Even though the answer was no it feels good to have done it, its not something I will think about or regret later on. The way the process played out though put a strain on Nicole and I's relationship.

Around my birthday last year we were about to put up "My Two Sons" which had a great run, it got reviewed which was one of my big goals for the show. In November I had the idea for "Blockbuster" and the process of working on it has been incredibly gratifying, but there has been a couple delays and postponements, due to simple confusion and scheduling- no ones fault, but even so that has drawn out the process in a somewhat frustrating way. The first preview for the show is this Friday and I couldn't be more excited for people to see it.

I recorded and started putting out my podcast this year with a new much more effective format although it seems not as many people are listening to it. This at first was a little disappointing but after thinking about it the important thing is the making of the thing, and sure it'd be great if a lot of people listened to it but ultimately the satisfaction is in the creating itself not in whatever hollow validation the internet could provide.

I've kept in touch and visited with my three oldest friends HP, Beanpole, and Adam as often as I could although not as often as I'd like. It seems like there's never enough time, never enough vacations, to see the important people in my life. Same goes for my parents and my sister who is expecting her first child in the next couple weeks. We've spent a good amount of time together and I'm overjoyed to become an uncle but life seems to move so fast its sometimes hard to find the necessary time.

Nicole and I are about to celebrate our three year anniversary and we renewed our lease for another year. There have been some challenges this year, mostly I think, stemming from not communicating as clearly or as often as we should have. This is only natural I think, times you have to work through, periods of passive detachment where you are going through the motions. To maintain a relationship, to keep it healthy and fruitful, you have to work at it and we let things lie for a while. Not to say it was bad or even contentious or that we didn't have a lot of fun this past year, we did. But the past couple months we haven't been on the same page, not detrimental in and of itself, but there's been distance and our partnership hasn't really moved forward. We had a discussion tonight that was difficult but ultimately got us out of the funk we've been in, its cathartic to get whatever anxiety may be lurking out in the open, it creates a clear path ahead.

This is all to say taken in total it has been a good year. Its felt like progress. Ultimately there were more successes than failures, more triumphs than defeats, more joys than disappointments. I did my best to navigate problems with patience and understanding. I wasn't always able to but I tried and that's growth. I still get angry, I still get discontent, but as time goes on those feelings become more manageable, more fleeting. And through continued practice I find it easier to be kind, to practice patience and honesty day-to-day.

This year taught me what I knew already, a lesson I continue to learn. To quote Stephen King "This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time." I need to pursue those things which bring me joy and show up for the ones I love. Happiness isn't easy it takes diligence and work. And there will be times when it is a struggle but even in those times the beauty and blessings of daily life are all around me if I only stop and recognize them.

Nicole's Bday

Today was Nicole's birthday. Usually she's with her family in Florida because of its proximity to Christmas, this was the first time in a number of years she was in Chicago for it. We had a great day. She opened her presents, we went out for dinner at our favorite Italian place, had cake and ice cream, and watched Magic Mike XXL.

It reminded me how important it is to take action, however small, to show how much the special people in your life mean to you. A birthday cake, a thoughtful note, a bouquet of flowers whatever. Words are great but sometimes doing a little something extra makes all the difference.

Nicole means the world to me, it meant a lot to be able to spend her birthday with her. To do a couple things to make her feel special, a partial expression of the ocean of feelings I have for her.

31

Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 31. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Nothing exciting or surprising just fun, relaxing, and good. I got to do everything I wanted to do with the woman that I love.

I made breakfast then we went to walk around Magic Hedge the small nature reserve by the lake. It's probably the only place in the city proper with enough trees next to each other to feel, even for a moment, like you're in the woods. One of the only things lacking in Chicago is parks, there is almost no natural space you can go where you aren't able to see the city, so it was nice to walk around that little wooded patch for a bit.

After soaking up some sun by the lake we took a motorcycle ride up and down Lake Shore.

We stopped off at Unabridged where I got Jo Walton's latest book. Then went for dinner at Las Tablas.

After dinner we went to the movies, then Pick Me Up for some chocolate cake, then headed home where we watched Lost, Nicole has never seen it.

A movie, a good meal, some nature, a slice of bday cake and all with Nicole. It was an incredible low key day. Exactly what I wanted and kind of encapsulates what my life is like right now, what my priorities are.

I don't know what the next year will bring but I'm looking forward to it. There are some big questions hanging in the air- employment, grad school- but I know things will work out one way or another. Over the past year I've been able to settle down a bit, get a little more disciplined and proactive about getting things done while still enjoying the present and staying in it. This year will have some challenges and opportunities and I think I'm ready to handle them. I feel like my life and all the people in it couldn't be more supportive and inspiring, I have a bit of that cliched "anything is possible" feeling. I eagerly anticipate what will happen next and where my path may wind.

Birthday Poem

Damian wrote this poem for my birthday, I really love it.

Ride your motorbike fast and far
It's better than a stupid car
Go see a movie or two or three
Then eat some cake under a tree
Read a book and smoke some cigs
Analyze some improv and make some digs
Update your blog and kiss Nicole
Cuz it's your birthday ya big ol' butthole.

30

Yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, I turned 30. The first thing I did when I got up was go to the DMV. A real thrill ride. After that Nicole and I spent the day together, went out to eat, to the movies, sat on her porch for a while and I managed to do a little packing. We finished off the night at Holy Fuck and I can say all in all it was an excellent, low-key, birthday. Just what I wanted.

Thirty seems like a bit of a milestone. Looking back it seems amazing I managed to get this far.

0-10. I don't remember much. My sister babysat me a lot and we watched Adventures In Babysitting, Back To The Beach, Neverending Story and various Disney movies. I went to camps in the summer and I liked being outside and fires and tye-dying and singing. I liked doing skits on parents night the best. I had a yellow banana bike. It was an adventure to ride with my dad from our house to the Baskin-Robins. I cried a lot and was extremely ticklish. I was terrified of the dark and being smothered. I got in trouble at after school care for telling Skylar Croft his dick was as big as the Sears Tower. I was in my first play, Councilman #3 in the Pied Piper. My dad lost his campaign for State Senate and Elliot Farr made fun of me the next day.

10-20. I got taller and fatter. After being borderline illiterate I discovered the Chronicles of Narnia and threw myself into reading, one of my greatest pleasures to this day. I played church basketball and AYSO soccer, I was mediocre at both sports. Middle school was a blur, I got bullied and picked on and wore Jynco's and pitted out my shirts all the time. I had my first kiss at Magic Waters Water Park. I did a lot of plays at my high school and at the local New American Theater. I learned to dance at school dances and from my high school girlfriend who was a dancer. I hit my biggest at 17 at 275lbs. My weight has been a struggle most of my conscious life. I didn't get into any of the college theater programs I wanted to, I didn't know how to audition, I'd show up in a t-shirt and jeans and do my clunky monologue from The Seagull. I ended up at Illinois State University with a good amount of my high school friends. I started drinking and doing drugs, dropped some weight, and became a bit of a loner or more aptly put an isolator.

20-30. I didn't have a great college experience, I made a couple close friends but generally didn't feel included, the college life I discovered wasn't inclusive and fun, it was lonely, harsh, and mystifying. I had a bunch of small parts in plays, I felt like the theater department never gave me a shot and I resented a lot of professors and fellow students. I had a big chip on my shoulder. My favorite role was Eddie in Rocky Horror Picture Show which I did my senior year. I went through a lot of phases. I didn't wear shoes for a while, I wore eyeliner, I wore black every day, that kind of stuff. My alcoholism gained some traction and force once I got out of the dorms. After college I moved to Chicago and struggled, went on many failed auditions, started taking improv classes, moved back in with my folks for a while, then moved back to Chicago. I fell in love with sketch and improv comedy, I gained a lot of friends and discovered a like-minded community which I had never had before. My addiction became uglier, more destructive, and desperate. I strained a lot of friendship and broke a lot of relationships. I came to a turning point and finally got some help.

At 30 I have the love a wonderful family and an amazing girlfriend. I have some incredible friends and a vibrant creative life. There are a lot of changes going on. I don't know exactly where I'm headed or how I'm going to get there, but I have a full and, for the most part, happy life. I feel like I've been given a second chance and a new way to look at and navigate things that use to overwhelm me. As a thirty year old man with graying temples and a graying beard I couldn't be more grateful for the twists and turns of the path, thirty years long, that brought me to this moment.

29

Subtitle: Habits my father gave me in two parts

Around two in the morning I turned 29. I've never put much expectations on a birthday since I had a pinata and Magic Mike perform for my 7th birthday, you can't really top that. Today was a good day, the HR lady got everyone bagels and fruit in celebration of my birth. She also inconspicuously gave me a cup cake with a candle and a book of matches, presumably for me to have my own little party and make a wish in secret in order for it to have a greater chance of coming true.

After work I met HP and Tisher to see Monsters University. My pick of course and the first animated movie I voluntarily went to see since the original in 2001. Afterwards Tisher and I went to Pick Me Up for dinner and of course, my birthday necessity, chocolate cake. It was a great day: I saw a movie, ate chocolate cake, and spent some time with two of my closest friends.

Reflecting on 28 it was a good year. Some downs but mostly ups, I think there's a lot to be done, a lot of potential for the next year. Tonight, though, two things especially made me happy, habits I realized I picked up from my father.

Surprise Me. Ever since I can remember whenever my dad is in a situation, usually at a restaurant, when he can say "surprise me" to the server or employee he does. If he's offered a number of options or suggestions he enjoyed having the person pick and being surprised. It's something I started doing a couple years ago and I continue to do. Our server at Pick Me Up said they had two types of chocolate cake: flowerless and vegan espresso. I asked her to surprise me and she brought me the vegan espresso chocolate cake which I was hoping for and which was delicious. I don't know why but that small interaction always excites me and makes me extremely happy.

Chocolate Cake. Growing up my father always told this story about his Grandma Bertha. One day when he was visiting her farm she asked him what he wanted for breakfast the next day and he said "chocolate cake". She made him chocolate cake for breakfast the next day and every subsequent time he went to visit her. As her grew older he became a little tired of chocolate cake in the morning but would always eat it without complaint because she would make it from scratch. Because of this whenever there is chocolate cake left over from a birthday or graduation or anniversary we would indulge in the Nelson Breakfast in honor of Grandma Bertha. Because of this or maybe despite it it's always been my favorite dessert and holds a scared place in my heart.

For me any big event, any milestone, any accomplishment, any disappointment has to be celebrated or mourned with a slice of chocolate cake. It's tradition, a Nelson ritual.

My 29th birthday was no exception.

 

Birthday Lunch

Ryan turned 33 today and we went to the place we always go to Oasis Cafe. Their chicken shawarma is amazing. Ryan and Laura went there with me on my birthday last year so I felt like there was a nice symmetry to it. Ryan has been such a great and supportive friend to me it was nice to spend a little time with him on his special day. I work only a couple blocks away from his office so I hope this will be the first of many many lunches.

Me: The biggest thing for me is getting use to getting up at 7. It's the worst.
Ryan: Oh yeah. I use to get up only like 30 minutes before I leave.
Me: (calculating) I get up...I...that's what I'm doing now basically. Get up at 7 out the door at 7:40. And I'm getting to bed late, I feel like a zombie the first hour or so.
Ryan: I have to get up at like 615.
Me: Ick.
Ryan: But it wouldn't be so bad if I woke up to an alarm, most of the time Riley comes in before it goes off. She came into our bedroom at 5:50 the other day. It's not that much time but it feels enormous.
Me: What does she say, when she wakes you up?
Ryan: It's not dark anymore!

Bowling Again

Punam's birthday was today and it was wonderful. The highlight for me was going bowling. Sarah, Punam, and I went to the Diversey Bowl and played two games. I haven't been bowling in a while but everything came back pretty quick. And a lot of memories too.

When I was really young my dad would take me bowling. He was in a battle of the sexes with a woman from his office and he would go to practice most weekends. He would bring me along. I would usually play one game maybe two. He would give me some pointers but I didn't really have much interest at the time. What I did have interest in was the arcade.

After my attention wandered my dad would give me some quarters to go play in the arcade. My favorite game there was Street Fighter II. I got progressively better at it the more we went. At the time I don't remember being really good at anything. I didn't excel at anything at that time, I think I was 7 or 8.

One day a couple of tough older kids came up to me while I was playing Street Fighter II. They wanted to play. They challenged me to a game with the winner "controlling" the consoul. I had never played anyone else just the computer and I think at the time we didn't have Nintendo or anything at my house yet. I was nervous but I said ok, I just wanted to keep playing.

I trounced him. I trounced his buddy. They got more of their friends and I beat all of them too. Instead of being mad at me they were in awe of how good I was and cheered me on. It was the first time I ever felt exceptional at anything.

Whenever I go into a bowling alley I think of that moment and smile.

Goodbye 27

It's my birthday. Last year today I went to work, had 1941 rehearsal, and then Alex took me out to dinner and Chocolate cake with James and Jillian. Since then a lot has happened.

Some thoughts on 27. It was my golden birthday last year. It didn't make it significantly more special than any other birthday. I always have a nice birthday, do what I want to do, have fun and see a couple special people. I think people put a lot of pressure on having a 'great' birthday. That usually hinges on some kind of party. Parties are great don't get me wrong. Surprise parties even better. I think everyone probably want someone to throw a surprise party for them. But that doesn't make a birthday. Your birthday doesn't have to be an amazing day. It should be a good day. Don't expect it to be amazing or you'll just be disappointed. 27 had it's ups and downs for me.

Highlights:
Meeting Punam.
Getting on Deep Schwa.
Visiting Matt in Richmond and doing a two-man.
Punam coming to Christmas with me.
Helping start my first podcast 'Groh Show with Danny Groh'.
Trading my car in for my motorcycle.
Going to see 'Another Earth' with Punam.
Doing two improv festivals with Craig.
Going to the Gene Wolfe awards ceremony and meeting Neil Gaiman.
Movie night with Drennen and James.
Salute Jive's run at iO.
Having dinner and great conversation with my sister at Uncommon Ground.
Coaching my harold team Echo.
Wednesday lunches with Ryan.
The 'Facebook War' with Conner.
Writing and performing in HouseCo's sketch show at Second City.
More specifically I was very proud of my two sketches: Puppets and Drill Sargent.
All the hugs I gave and received.

Lowlights:
Court appearances.
A bike accident.
Seeing Marta and my parents so seldom.
All the stupid arguments.
Those days I couldn't get out of bed.
All the late night phone calls.
Any strained or broken friendships.
My Second City generals audition: Uninspired.
Any Popeye's visits.

Overall 27 was a great year. I learned a lot. I'm looking forward to what 28 will bring. A lot of my peers have recently talked about getting old or feeling old which shocks the hell out of me.

I'm not old yet. I'm hungry for 28.