Spitballin' At Quenchers Saloon

After 39 years beloved local watering hole and venue Quenchers Saloon will soon close it's doors. After 8 years of Mondays experimental variety show Spitballin' ended last night. As a frequent contributor I had the privilege of performing in the final show. Along with some poems I read this piece.

When I was six years old my grandfather, who I adored, passed away of esophageal cancer.
The experience was difficult to understand at such a young age, the concept of death hard to
grasp. Having to grapple with that when I was barely aware, only pseudo conscious shaped a
lot of the boy and man I became and am still becoming. We all come to a point where we realize
what death is and come to terms with it to varying degrees but I had to do that earlier, younger
than perhaps is typical. And as a result I realized, with some heartbreak and over time, that all
things end. It’s not only natural it’s correct. Couples break up, friendships fade away, jobs are
lost and left, people die. Everything is finite, so what can we do, we can take joy and satisfaction
in the time we have. We can find grace in the ephemeral. We can enjoy and celebrate and this evening we have together. The ending of something beautiful and rich, not to be forgotten and not to be lamented. This is the way things are. All things must end.

I’ve always had a passion for writing, an impulse to put words on paper but I never had much
direction or an outlet. I took a creative writing class in high school and another one in college but
the interest those classes cultivated never went much beyond that, interest. Some years later
after two successive girlfriends who were amateur poets reignited the interest in me I began to
write more. I started a blog, I set a goal for myself to write a poem a week. But after awhile it felt
a bit hollow, sending stuff out into the void, I wanted to share my stuff in a more direct way.
Summer of 2014 I knew about Spitballin’ but I had never been to the show, never performed at
it, I was afraid I wouldn’t be welcome, assumed it was insular or exclusive, so I never came or asked to be apart of the show. Out of the blue Mike Brunlieb, our benevolent curator, asked me to do a reading, anything I wanted. I was surprised and delighted. Me and a college friend Chloe read a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and it was really fun and gratifying and different. The other acts were much more experimental and eclectic than I thought they’d be, the audience much more receptive and open and encouraging than my fearful judgement had assumed. After that I asked Mike if I could read some poems and he graciously let me. It went well and I’ve been reading poetry and prose here at Spitballin’ ever since.

What Spitballin’ gave me was opportunity. It’s a space where I could come share my poetry and
prose with a degree of acceptance. Seeing others experiment and bravely do weird things made
me comfortable to try. After it didn’t go over poorly I was inspired to write more, to share more.
What Mike, Thomas, and Scott gave me was permission. Permission to share who I am and
what I was working on in an environment totally unique in this city as it was not only devoid of
judgement but also of expectation. Anyone can do anything at Spitballin’ it may not go well, a
couple people might dip into the bar to grab a drink, they may have to compete with whatever
game is on TV, but whatever performance piece, sketch, reading, song, stand up set,
what-have-you had a place at Quenchers Saloon.

This place, this show, over time, made me a poet. I wrote poetry before but there was a self
consciousness about it, a fear, a duplicity, because I thought people would think it was lame or
stupid. But being allowed to come here and read my work, seeing people react on the spectrum
from indifference to enthusiasm but never contempt, put to rest all that stuff, helped clarify and
solidify my desire to write, gave me confidence in my identity. I’m a poet and there’s no shame
in that.

In Norse mythology there is an event, the end of the world, called Ragnarok and it is inevitable.
Reading the stories it is unclear if it has already happened, if it will happen, or if it is
continually happening. Regardless after it, after the end, the story continues. Something new and green is born. A major and repeated theme in Norse mythology is the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. The cycle of nature itself. This wonderful, fruitful, delicious, grotesque, torturous, transcendent show will come to an end shortly. But the people and the energy and spirit will live on. Dissipate and reform in other divisions and permutations and grow and evolve and move forward, move on. The cycle will continue. This is not something to grieve but to rejoice.

I want to say thank you to Mike, Thomas, and Scott who encouraged me. This place which
welcomed me. And this show which inspired me to be more the person I want to be.

Ode To Luke G.

It's been almost 15 years
since your fatal date
with Spring Creek Rd.
and you've never strayed
too far from my mind.

I didn't attend your funeral
and sometimes I regret that choice
instead I sang the first song
I ever wrote
at a collegiate open mic
thinking that a fairer tribute
than public grief
for you inspired me
more than you ever knew.

In our high school
creative writing class
you wrote a poem
about my notebook cover
at the time
a collage of xeroxed
LIFE magazine photos
and snap shots
from a family trip to AZ
and it was good
the best poem
to come out of that class
but more important,
more shocking,
it was cool.

More than Dickinson, Kerouac, or O'Hara
you made poetry cool.
You gave me permission to write,
devoid of fear or judgement.
Yes, I remember you as a great teammate-
your green and yellow cleats,
we called you Green Lightening.
Yes, you were a unique friend, funny and loyal
but also honest even biting.
But you, more than anyone, gave me poetry.

You live in every poem I write.
This one, perhaps, more than others.

Overwhelmed

I enjoy praise
as I think
most people do
but I was not
prepared
for the raw nerve
I struck
when tackling
menstruation
by relating it
to a personal
groin injury,
advocating
for male empathy
and understanding
when it comes
to the somewhat
baffling gulf
between the sexes.
The response
was shockingly
electric, applause
like waves
crashed on me,
embarrassed by
the vehemence
and tongue-tied
with the perennial
awkwardness of compliments
I quickly and silently left
overwhelmed and confused
with the impact of my words.
Sometimes success can be bewildering.

Gestation

I just finished reading On Writing by Stephen King, a Christmas present from my sister, it's part memoir part writing how-to. He doesn't really talk about where his ideas come from(virtually impossible for any creative person) but he does make a distinction as to how they come. Sometimes fully formed, sometimes in bits and pieces that have to be teased out.

This is something I've experienced in my own work, sometimes ideas for a poem, piece, or play come already ripe which is great. All in a rush and all you have to do is give them form. Other times, and for me this is more typical, it starts with a relatively nebulous concept and as I mull it over, let it incubate, it gains momentum, sophistication and form. A lot of the work is done in my head so that when I sit down to write it I have an idea that has more of a structure, it makes it a lot easier to actually write the thing when I have a firm understanding of its shape. This waiting period is important, instead of rushing to the computer or the pad with the start of an idea then forcing my way through it I let it percolate for a while until I have a clear sense of what it will be, what I'm trying to say. Like a whittler with a promising piece of wood who stares at it until the figurine hidden inside is revealed, only then does he begin carving.

King also relates a piece of advice he received from one of his early editors- "The book is boss." Meaning the idea not the artist dictates what it will be. His example is a short story idea which, once he began writing, turned into a novel. He could have forced it but the story wanted to be, was more appropriate as, called for the additional length and scope of a novel. Once you begin work on a project it will typically reveal its most suitable form. Something you start as a story may be better as a play, a poem more potent as an essay.

The third thing that struck me on this read that King suggests is, after completing a project, to get some distance from it. Obviously in his case he's talking about the novel, he says put it in a drawer and don't look at it for six weeks. I don't think the time frame is necessarily applicable to shorter works but the waiting is. Let the essay/sketch/poem/story sit there for a while after completion- a couple days, maybe a week. After getting some time away from the thing you created it becomes less dear. You're able to see it clearly, smooth the rough edges, sharpen and shape. Distill it.

On Writing has a lot of practical advice for novel writers, writers in general, and artists of any discipline. The three big points he makes are: consume a lot, create a lot, and develop your own process.

One Down, Three To Go

After the Chicago comedian exodus of last year a lot of the people that remained were forced to assess where they were and where they wanted to go. I didn't and don't have any desire to move to one of the coasts to try and make it, but I realized I wanted to take my shot, take the next step forward and to me that meant grad school.

The past month and a half I've been getting together various items for applications to poetry MFA programs. It's been an intensive process- selecting poems, revisions, writing statements of purpose, securing letters of recommendation and transcripts. It's an odd experience, trying to represent yourself in an honest and succinct way in an effort to be accepted.

The application process lends itself to second-guessing and doubt, I've found that trying to anticipate and cultivate the image of a good applicant is tempting but ultimately useless. I don't know what these various institutions are really looking for and the truth is just as likely to get me in as something fabricated.

Today I submitted my first of four applications. Even if nothing comes of it it feels good to have set the goal and to follow through on it. Sometimes taking the action is more important than the result.

2015 Goals

Apply to MFA programs in acting and poetry. I've thought about going back to school for a while. Now with my interest, and I think my ability, significantly sharpened I'd like to take the next step. Over the past couple months a lot of my peers have moved on and it made me want to make a big change. I have the discipline and the desire now to take full advantage of some advanced schooling, a mindset and a position I certainly wasn't in during undergrad.

Put up another play. We're about half way through Contention and it's been a very gratifying experience. Makes me definitely want to do it again at some point this year. I got two ideas for shows rolling around, one about Terry Gross which is kind of flushed out, and the other involving the Tarot which is just the beginning of an idea.

Put out Hindsight Hour. My experimental improv podcast has been gestating for a while. At this point it's all recorded and Tim and I have listened to all the material and mapped it out, we just have to get to the actual editing. I imagine it'll go relatively quickly but because of the holidays and busy schedules we haven't been able to get started quite yet.

Go on at least two vacations. I love to travel, I love to visit my friends out of state, I love to be in nature, but there is always so much going on in Chicago it's hard to carve out some time(and money) to get away. This year I want to go on two vacations which are independent of any specific obligation. Right now I'm planning to visit the Beanpole in Denver end of May/early June. I'd also like to go to LA, Richmond, and take a motorcycle trip The Badlands.

Submit poetry to at least ten publications. My passion for poetry has grown over the past two years. I've written a lot more and done readings and it feels like progress. I'd like to get my stuff out there on a broader scale, maybe to get published, maybe to win a competition, but more importantly to get into the habit of submitting. To get a better idea of what people outside of my little community think of my writing, how it stacks up.

Make a video. I've had an idea for a while for a faux instructional short inspired by Tisher but haven't found the time or discipline to write it. I've also got some great feedback from some people suggesting Contention, with some substantial cuts, might be a good short film. I'd like to realize one of the two at some point this year.

Thoughts On Writing

Tonight I read a story as one of the openers for Triplets Bogtrotter. It's a wonderful imaginative show that should be seen. Reading the piece got me thinking about writing in general and my own process in specific so here are some simple suggestions.

Write every day. The most common piece of advise from successful writers, the most obvious but sometimes the most difficult. Set a schedule, have some kind of system of accountability with yourself, even if you don't like what you write or only write a little bit- write every day. Through repetition you'll develop discipline and skill. You'll also become more adept at transferring your nebulous idea to the page.

Have an idea. For the most part sitting in front of a computer screen or a blank piece of paper isn't terribly inspiring. Have an idea of what you want to write or what you want to write about before you begin. Sometimes gestating on a particular idea can pay dividends when you write, if you have been thinking about a particular idea, outlining it, teasing it out, developing it in your head for a while it may come smoothly out of your head onto the keyboard. But don't ruminate too long, you can always revise. Sometimes it's best to start with something simple- a concept, feeling, or situation. Sometimes a title, line, or name is all you need to begin. An existing work can also be a good jumping off point(not plagiarism but inspiration).

Read it aloud. Reading what you've written out loud can give you insights into structure, word usage, and imagery. Alone by yourself or more effectively in performance. Reading a piece you've written in front of people is going to cue you in to what is resonate, what works, what is funny, what is touching. It can sometimes provide clarity as to what a piece is really about or its shape, rhythm, or flow. Responses from others, especially in a theatrical context, can provide invaluable guidance.

Revise but don't dwell. Your first pass on a piece most often isn't going to be its best incarnation. Spend time and energy rewording, restructuring, rewriting to make the piece as close to your ideal of it as possible. Sculpt it. After a certain point be done. Sometimes you can get stuck in revision, worrying over a piece or idea that is too slippery or evasive. Do your best, put the effort in then step back. Sometimes letting a piece sit for a bit(or walking away completely) is the best thing for it and for you.

Read. Read. Read.