Clarity Is Best

In improv the base tenant is 'Yes, And' and I have some pretty substantial ideas about how flawed that can be which I outlined in the improv online magazine The Hambook however this seems to be an issue more globally with peoples jobs, friendships, and family. Not that people are interpersonally yes-and-ing each other too much but that people in general seem to have issues with establishing boundaries, especially with friends/family/at work, acquiescing to commitments or circumstances that may in fact be presumptuous/imposing to our time or well being. The other aspect is clarity, of expectation and individual needs, in general people seem reticent to clearly communicate what's going on and what they want.

Over the past couple weeks there have been several examples of this in my life, directly and indirectly, people(myself included) being unclear about a situation, wants, needs, expectations, and the result is stress and resentment. The impulse to not set boundaries or not ask for what you need I think comes ultimately from fear(of upsetting someone, making a fuss, being perceived as being mean, demanding, alienating etc.) and this desire "not to be a bother" because we've somehow internalized this idea that actively taking care of ourselves is somehow self-serving, vain, that our wants and needs are secondary or unimportant perhaps even a burden to others.

The reality is that communicating with clarity is not only good its detrimental. We are conditioned to use vagaries and passive-aggression(as if that was effective) in the somewhat covert effort to avoid conflict(and undersell our own personal needs) when that's what communicating in that muddled inarticulate way inevitably evokes- resentment then eventual conflict. There's nothing inherently combative about saying no, about saying I'd rather not, I'm not interested, or this isn't a good time. Friends and loved ones will typically understand if you're up front and honest when they ask you to do something for/with them. It becomes messy when you acquiesce, equivocate, deny, deflect, defer, then eventually come back to the reality which is like "actually no I don't want to go to that party with you"(or whatever it may be). You've put yourself through the ringer, confused your friend, now you feel guilty because you weren't honest and direct from the jump.

The other part of it of course is you. You have to remember that you are important, what you want and need is important. Period. If you're not a relatively balanced and content individual how can you be a loving participant in your family, a supportive friend, or a competent employee. It's not only your right it's your obligation to establish and sustain, carve out and cultivate those things that you need day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month to feel good, to feel whole. Because only when you have some measure of mental/emotional/spiritual equilibrium can you really show up and be a fruitful family member/friend/employee what-have-you and in order to do that you have to occasionally set boundaries. You cannot make yourself available to the whim of the people around you, regardless of how much you love and care about them. I'm not suggesting you hoard your time and attention and only do what you want to do. What I am suggesting is be clear with people about what you will and won't do for/with them. If someone asks you for something or to do something and it's unclear to what extent you be committing yourself, ask for clarity. If someone is asking you to do something for/with them that feels to you like an imposition its OK to say no or respond with conditions.

You must consider your needs first. Not in regards to pleasure or ambition or comfort but to your mental and physical health. If you're exhausted or stressed out or overwhelmed how can you be of service to anyone?