Knocked Off The Beam Of Serenity

I know it's bad
when I can't write

my body too distressed

my mind too clouded

to do the thing

that it is most in myself

to do

so I write this

in hopes it shakes

the cortisol constricting my heart

and loosens my fingers

that the words return

and provide their faithful

focus and relief

Corporate Irony

The longer I've worked

the more I've realized

'management'

the people in charge

the owners

the 6-7-8 figure folk

have very little understanding

of the day-to-day necessities

the nuts-and-bolts function

of any business

their position dictated

(for the most part)

not by ability or knowledge

but collegiate pedigree

or familial connection

by the insipid networking

competence isn't

(and maybe never was)

a requirement

accepting this

most astounding reality

is the true job

of all working stiffs

Office Criminal

Someone
threw away
my lunch

because I put it

in the ice maker

sanitation

was their justification

although I know

this nameless thief

is not

ServSafe Certified

and they did not then

empty out the

contaminated ice.

Gauche I may be

from a class

that never blinked

at putting popsicles

or breakfast burritos

in the ice basket

(it's extra storage)

but I am no coward

no mincing, faceless

pretentious, sniveling

office narc.

The millionaire bosses are vindicated!

The office is indeed a fertile place for collaboration and community!

Camaraderie

I'll admit

I scoffed

at my company's 

incessant posturing 

regarding returning to the office

content and productive am I

at home in seclusion

what with Teams or Slack

and their illusion of connection

what with my own internal

drive and expertise

I have no need of the office

and its transparent constructs

its inconveniences, its redundancies

but

with my whole team in town this week

I return out of obligation

and find I am delighted

to see all these faces in the flesh

I have only known in brief flat-screened chats

have only heard as disembodied voices

to see and hear and be with these people

in this moment, now

who I may not exactly like

but with whom I have a fellowship

this thing we so closely share

and it is good to be there

to say hello in the morning

to say goodbye in the evening

to ask some mindless inconsequential question in passing

I find this forgotten itch is scratched

I realize I haven't felt this way since 2019. Before.

Fourth Wind

I have more to learn

about myself 

more avenues to traverse

secrets to uncover

reservoirs to tap

Socrates first step

to true wisdom

'know thyself'

is no mean feat

is never complete

In the midst of a challenge

my energy depleted

my outlook grim

my motivation non-existent

I am renewed

Not once or twice

but many times

some unknown reserve

emptied, consumed

to inexorably continue

It cannot last

but the finish line

is fast approaching

relief in sight

one more day and then the next

What Is Art

I work in insurance
which is stereotypical in its dryness

in its uniformity

in its corporatization

which is not unjust

but even so

in the execution of my duties

there is a beauty in faultlessly executed documentation

nuance and language working together in a logical fashion

to demonstrate intent, to codify utility

yes, fundamentally, this is a cut-and-try exchange

of goods-and-services, and yet

if done with integrity, if done with expertise

with a purity of motive

the process is not only professional but creative

and the result goes beyond a contract, goes beyond simple product

in it there is artistry

because it is in everything, because it is not the thing itself

it is how a thing is done and who is doing it and what that person puts into it

in anything that requires effort 

there is the mark of humanity behind it.

Panic Attack

We're all aware
of this notion

of being pushed to the limit

of having a breaking point

but it is rare 

when such a thing actually occurs

when, for whatever reason,

our body, mind, or spirit give out on us

when we are left, even for a moment,

shattered, weak, hopeless

it is in these moments are we tested

not in strength or courage or even will

but in acceptance, in indifference

situations cannot be controlled, we know this

what we can change, what we can decide

is our opinion, our perception

and endure.

Hold The Door

Perhaps
in our age
the scales have tipped
from kindness to cruelty

Perhaps
hand-held technologies
have usurped attention
and eroded respect

However
at my large and faceless office
all make an effort
to hold the elevator door

And perhaps
this small courtesy is one of many
that have defied
the tides of incivility

Increasing Efficiency: 2019 Update to Policies and Procedures

The reality is
it's never about progress
it's about the illusion
of progress
like testimonials
in pharmaceutical commercials
performative
and substanceless.

Passion

Now I'll be the first one
to admit
insurance
can be
a dull business
but today
when my boss
compared
a policy-
100 pages
of codified
exacting verbiage-
to a work of art
with electric excitement
in his eyes
and the thrum of joy
in his voice
I had to agree
you see
sometimes
its about perception
the angle
from which you view
the depth to which
you look
and the thing is
for all his peculiarities, his
persnickety demands
his enthusiasm
is contagious
for not only
is there function
and concrete meaning
in the work
there is a beauty too.

Work/Life Balance

I've managed a coffee shop
slung bar food
counted bills & run coin
booked loans
answered phones
responded to emails
with prescribed scripts
called "macros"
sold insurance
serviced insurance
underwritten insurance
and all "work" encroached
on my "life"
passively demanding more
(time, energy, mental real estate)
than I was content to give
despite all the lip service
"progressive" companies
pay to it
the best work/life balance
would be
no work at all.

Temples Of Industry

Human architecture
has yet to surpass
the Creator's natural splendor
yet we strive for wonder
in our construction
not in worship
or in service
to our governance
but lauded
Capital
despite the, perhaps,
perverse intention
the vaulted high-rises
that surround me
on my commute-
the mirror sheen
and stolid, austere
grace of these
monuments to labor
produce an awe
and peace
not equal
to the harmony of nature
but sometimes
close
reminding me
of my small part
in the churning beauty
of humanity's ambition.

Goodbye Job

Everything about you
was bad for me
your chaotic
all-hour demands
passive aggression
and guilt trips
were claustrophobic,
tyrannical.

The token gift cards
in lieu of legitimate
employment benefits
you handed out
so magnanimously
baffled and insulted
your constant cursing
and latent sexism, icing on the cake.

I learned a lot
not from being taught
but forced
to blindly stumble
day-to-day
and cover for the string
of resignations and firings
you neglected to prepare for.

You paid well I guess
but I figured out
over three protracted
painful years
peace of mind is greater
than bank balance.
I'll miss nothing
least of all your ineptitude with Adobe.

Turnover

The guy I sit next to
just resigned
abruptly
and perhaps
I'll have more work
which is stressful
but it is a relief
to no longer hear
his raucous incessant
coughing,
his decrepit labored
wheezing,
or endure
his bizarre offers
of gas station
peanut butter.

Relief From Impending Doom

Years ago
when I poured myself
from a bottle of Kentucky's own
Jim Beam
my default
my neutral
my normal
was a deep
and oppressive
Foreboding.

Years sober
I thought
I was above, beyond, the perils
of anxiety
and dread
but hubris
is ever
the downfall
of Icarus, Oedipus, and me.

My job
has become twisted
and acidic
each day
increasing degrees
of unpleasant
with the sense
of some iminent
catastrophe.

But yesterday
I called in sick
and today
got sent home
due to the potential
of lingering germs
the rest and relaxation
were rejuvenating
a relief from employment strain
and hope of new opportunities.

In A Hurry

Like little mice
my fellow commuters
scurry up the stairs
intent only
on the time
perpetually
running late
attempting to outrun
the inevitable clock
little cogs
in the machine of industry
sheep
in the flock of finance
not to say
I'm not a fellow lemming
but
I never hurry to the train
nor rush to board
or shark for a seat
if I'm early or late
I don't let it effect
my steady pace

Daily Practice

Over the past couple years it seems like the tide of self-help has been displaced, pejoritized, the implication of "help" perhaps to close to weakness which it is, evidently, detrimental to admit. It's seemingly been replaced by self-care, which is essentially just a repackaging of the same concepts and ideas but without the same level of inferred humility. Whatever you call it there is always the danger of perceived egoism when people talk about or refer to working on themselves. But the reality is it can be a necessity especially in this our modern age of acidic social media and apocalyptic politics. However you term it I think it boils down to letting go of those things you can't control and taking action on those things you can and by doing those things achieving and maintaining some kind of balance, some kind of contentment.

The past several weeks I've felt off, anxious, weighed down. A bit overcome with how chaotic life can be. I think it started when Nicole and I had to unexpectedly move a couple months back and just kind of gradually gained momentum from there. Not to say I've been in a constant state of misery or anything, these things never work quite like that but its been kind of a steady waxing then waning then waxing of unpleasantness, discomfort. I found myself dreading going to work and when I was there maintaining a low grade unjustified panic. My thoughts racing with those kind of standard existential questions(what does it all mean? what's the point of it all?) that serve nothing save apathy and impotent nihilism. I figured my job was the problem, and it is chaotic and ultimately not the best fit for me however, telling my friend Jimmy about it he asked "what's changed" as I've had the job for two years now. And it set me back and really made me think. The answer is nothing. Nothing has changed about the job, the only other part of that equation is me. The real question I needed to answer was what was wrong with me.

The only thing I can control is myself. My actions and reactions. The world, life, my job, other people, all of it is outside of my control and when I attempt to control those things, attempt to will them in line with my wants and expectations I fail and am miserable. So what can I do. I can let go of desired outcome. I can apply for new jobs. I can build those things into my day that I know make me feel good. I can establish a routine that I can rely on independent of the chaos or influence of my job or the disparaging cultural and political landscape.

I've started a new creative project. I've started to wake up early. To work out and pray and meditate and take some time in the morning to find balance and whatever peace I can. To take some action against those feelings of restlessness and futility that had been plaguing me. And its working. I'm feeling better.

This is not something I came up with obviously, it was suggested and taught to me by others. But the point is a daily practice, whatever it may look like, can help. Small actions and routines can help with mood and racing thoughts and feelings and perspective. The world in 2017 may still be bleak and brutal but it is easier to face, easier to handle, easier to move through when we are doing the next right thing day-to-day, taking action where we can, and letting those things go which are outside our grasp. Which for the most part is nearly everything.

Bosses Away

Working
in a storefront office
there is no management structure
to speak of
it's all very loosey-goosey
and undefined
so when continuing ed
and illness
took our two principals
out of commission
I took it upon myself
to shore up holes
and put out fires
that resulted
from their dual absence
the work got done
but I was unduly stressed
and only now
upon reflection
do I realize
no one asked me
to do any of it
and the reality is
I'd rather not think
about work
much at all
before, during, or after
would prefer
to drink coffee
in bare feet
and write poetry

Tired

Although not old
I'm aging
and burning the midnight oil
not as advisable
as once it was,
sitting at my desk
unpleasantly buzzing
dried eyes crusty
I look back
on the stamina of youth
when sleep was
virtually unncessary
each day rushing
into the next
with no account
for hours slept
bed times
or energy-
always there
now gone
taken for granted.

Mental Health Day

It's good to remember work is not all important.
The tediums and pressures found behind a desk
don't encompass a fraction of what life can offer
and our first responsibility is to ourselves
health and happiness before obligation
for if we are weak and sad and worn down
how can we be present
let alone excel?
So I called in sick.
When I wasn't sick.
And ate eggs and drank coffee on the couch.
Watched TV and read and ran errands.
And generally didn't think about much.
Just watched the world go by.