Scar Tissue

One of the side effects of addiction is your psychological development is halted. Through substance abuse your emotions are dampened, deadened. In many cases, in mine at least, this was deliberate before it became a compulsion.

I can't pin point when I "became" an alcoholic because I believe I always was one but certainly shortly after graduating college my drinking escalated, became insatiable and single-minded. This was spurred on by an inciting incident. A major life event that would have been difficult to deal with while sober, impossible to process while perpetually intoxicated.

Since entering recovery some things from my past will resurface now and again. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions I had compartmentalized and hidden, drowned by years of indulging, come back. It can be painful. The protection of time can be deceiving. Last night I was part of a story telling show and I related this incident from my past that, in hindsight, accelerated my drinking. It was more draining than I thought it would be, brought back dusty half-forgotten memories, I realized I hadn't handled or fully processed the event or corresponding fallout. It was good to rehash and come to grips with the past, healthy, but sad too. Bittersweet.

My therapist called it scar tissue. I am sure this is not the last time something like this will happen. We all have a past. There's no telling when an innocent probing thought will strike some neglected heartbreak and bring the past rushing to the present. But our pasts have made us who we are, shaped us, tempered us, and deserve to be remembered. And our emotions, those fundamental teachers, warrant attention and care. It is important to feel your feelings, not be shamed or ruled by them but to simply feel, process, and progress.