Clarity Is Best

In improv the base tenant is 'Yes, And' and I have some pretty substantial ideas about how flawed that can be which I outlined in the improv online magazine The Hambook however this seems to be an issue more globally with peoples jobs, friendships, and family. Not that people are interpersonally yes-and-ing each other too much but that people in general seem to have issues with establishing boundaries, especially with friends/family/at work, acquiescing to commitments or circumstances that may in fact be presumptuous/imposing to our time or well being. The other aspect is clarity, of expectation and individual needs, in general people seem reticent to clearly communicate what's going on and what they want.

Over the past couple weeks there have been several examples of this in my life, directly and indirectly, people(myself included) being unclear about a situation, wants, needs, expectations, and the result is stress and resentment. The impulse to not set boundaries or not ask for what you need I think comes ultimately from fear(of upsetting someone, making a fuss, being perceived as being mean, demanding, alienating etc.) and this desire "not to be a bother" because we've somehow internalized this idea that actively taking care of ourselves is somehow self-serving, vain, that our wants and needs are secondary or unimportant perhaps even a burden to others.

The reality is that communicating with clarity is not only good its detrimental. We are conditioned to use vagaries and passive-aggression(as if that was effective) in the somewhat covert effort to avoid conflict(and undersell our own personal needs) when that's what communicating in that muddled inarticulate way inevitably evokes- resentment then eventual conflict. There's nothing inherently combative about saying no, about saying I'd rather not, I'm not interested, or this isn't a good time. Friends and loved ones will typically understand if you're up front and honest when they ask you to do something for/with them. It becomes messy when you acquiesce, equivocate, deny, deflect, defer, then eventually come back to the reality which is like "actually no I don't want to go to that party with you"(or whatever it may be). You've put yourself through the ringer, confused your friend, now you feel guilty because you weren't honest and direct from the jump.

The other part of it of course is you. You have to remember that you are important, what you want and need is important. Period. If you're not a relatively balanced and content individual how can you be a loving participant in your family, a supportive friend, or a competent employee. It's not only your right it's your obligation to establish and sustain, carve out and cultivate those things that you need day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month to feel good, to feel whole. Because only when you have some measure of mental/emotional/spiritual equilibrium can you really show up and be a fruitful family member/friend/employee what-have-you and in order to do that you have to occasionally set boundaries. You cannot make yourself available to the whim of the people around you, regardless of how much you love and care about them. I'm not suggesting you hoard your time and attention and only do what you want to do. What I am suggesting is be clear with people about what you will and won't do for/with them. If someone asks you for something or to do something and it's unclear to what extent you be committing yourself, ask for clarity. If someone is asking you to do something for/with them that feels to you like an imposition its OK to say no or respond with conditions.

You must consider your needs first. Not in regards to pleasure or ambition or comfort but to your mental and physical health. If you're exhausted or stressed out or overwhelmed how can you be of service to anyone?

R&R

Today Nicole and I spent a much needed relaxing day together. We didn't do much, made breakfast, lounged on the porch, and putzed around the house. In the evening we went to dinner then did a double feature.

We both needed it, she was sick the past two days and I was fried from the week. Spending time together is always revitalizing but its nice to have a day where we have nothing to do, no where to be. No distractions, no diversions. I appreciate her so much, she keeps me grounded, chills me out, and lightens me up. And is always willing to gamble on a movie I want to see but don't know anything about.

We can read each other well, we can anticipate each others needs, and still maintain some independence. It works and I couldn't be happier. We've talked about how other couples operate and how we do, the differences and similarities, when it works and why. I think it boils down to figuring out how to make the relationship best suit the two individuals in it- having reasonable expectations, making compromises, finding a balance, and the big one- communication. As with many things simply talking about stuff, being open and up front, can facilitate substantial growth and contentment.

Silence

Every statement doesn't require a response. We are becoming more and more conditioned to respond, even if we have no thought or opinion to voice, to anything and everything- it's become expected. I say something, you say something back, if you don't it's rude. You're being aloof or distant or unengaged or cold if you don't fill a moment with words regardless of their meaning.

A silence can be comfortable. Discomfort is something you apply to it, its not inherent in the absence of speech. Truly being in a moment and listening to someone is often enough and can mean more than repeating back to someone what they've just said or blurting out the first thing that comes into your head. I like chatting and keeping the conversation going but it's not always necessary. If there is no more to say, cease to speak.

People don't argue the peace and beauty of quiet in nature or in the dark of night. We should apply that same calm and ease, periodically, to interpersonal interactions. Sometimes not saying anything says a great deal.

"I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art." -Kahlil Gibran

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." -Octavia Butler

Convenience Not Necessity

I've never been a fan of cell phones or the idea of being in constant communication with people. I don't think it's necessary- it's overkill, it's a crutch. The past couple days I was in Richmond I left my phone at Matt's house and only checked it in the evenings. I won't say that it was liberating or anything that epic but it was nice. There really was no need to be in touch with anyone and I would allege there is never a time, outside of medical type emergencies, when people need to be that accessible.

Cell phones are nice. They make things easy and they can be entertaining, they are great at alleviating boredom. But people become accustomed and then dependent. It's like an addiction. When I got back today and walked into the green room before Schwa 5 people were sitting around on their phones. It's unnecessary and it detracts from the here in now. People become more invested in this non-existent digital life than the life they are actually living. Sure, it can be more superficially engaging, the constant input of information makes you feel in touch and in the know but you're losing the here and now.

If you're hanging out with someone don't check your phone. You should be engaging with that other person and anything outside of that can wait.

Instead of looking stuff up or playing games on your phone talk to those around you or simply observe what's happening in the actual world.

Cell phones make things easy but it's becoming so easy it seems to be making interacting in the real world hard.

Put it down or leave it at home. Just once in a while and remember what it's like.

Strangers, Don't Talk To Me

Recently I feel like I've been talked to by strangers more than I'm use to. Which is to say at all. I don't expect to be engaged in conversation with any stranger on the street. Leave me alone. I won't bother you in return I expect you not to bother me. To be explicit: Don't fucking talk to me.

If you are a stranger:
Don't ask me for a cigarette.
Don't ask me for a light.
Don't ask me how I'm doing.
Don't tell me how you're doing.
Don't tell me a story of your life no matter how interesting you think it might be.
Don't make noises at me which are an attempt at trying to engage me.
Don't compliment me.
Don't criticize me.
Don't ask me for money.
Don't ask me for food.
Don't call me some meaningless nickname.
Don't fucking call me 'Big Man'.
Don't pretend like you know me.
Don't touch me.
Don't tell me how alike we are.
Don't monopolize my attention.

In return, I'll treat you with respect.

Cell Phones

Cell phones have made a lot of things easier. But with all the ease they have afforded our lives I think there's a price. People become so indoctrinated to cell phone culture so attached to their cell phones something is lost.

People shouldn't be available for communication at all times. Being in contact is great but being in contact with people all the time detracts from your sense of self. The more we are in constant communication the more we define ourselves through other people as opposed to having a clear sense of who and what we are. I walk around and I see people on their phones constantly, talking, texting, or surfing the net. We need to be alone with our thoughts from time to time. Having a constant stream of information gives us no time to reflect and grow.

In the past ten years or so cell phones and email have become more prevalent which has built this expectation of a quick response to any question or attempted contact. People frequently get resentful or put off if they don't receive a response from someone in a timely manner. This is unreasonable.

We don't have to communicate with someone just because they want to communicate with us. If you are doing something, if you are involved with something socially or romantically or professionally people can wait. That may be a couple hours or a day. Just because we have the ability to communicate with each other almost instantaneously does not mean we should do so. And quite frankly it can be rude. When I'm in conversation with people and they are periodically halting our conversation to respond to a text, that offends me.

I urge people to, every once in a while, leave the phone at home.