The Squirrel

As I returned home
my wife descended the stairs
with a squirrel
in a trap
chittering and thrashing
she(my wife)
squealed and twitched

yet undaunted
unwavering
as she released the critter

and I thought
this is what love is

The Heart Knows What The Heart Knows

The Great egret
took off
and flew
in all its majesty
then
dumped a large
gray white shit
on the lily pads below

it made me think of my wife
at the zoo
some years ago
she was delighted
by a camel's
protracted voluminous piss

anytime I see a wild animal

do their necessary

I am reminded of my love

and fall in love again

Ms. Kitty

We say goodbye

to our stalwart cat

who, for two decades,

provided comfort

as well as consternation

solace as well as stress

but above all love, loyalty

unshakeable, unflinching

company and care

when it was needed most

she passed as she lived

with dignity and strength

and now resides in the clearing

at the end of the path

to frolic, fight, and feed

forever.

Wedding Day

A lifetime

narrows
to a day

an hour

an instant

nestled within

the endearing

enduring energies

of our

closest intimates

propped up

and propagated

by romantic momentum

bonded 

by magnetic ardor

in this pin-prick

potent now

we pledge our truth

and the world

kaleidoscopic

psychedelic

opens, unfurls, erupts

and a future

fleeting

bright with promise

is revealed.

7th Anniversary

Celebrated 7 years together today. Rented a cabin out in the woods for a little vacation but also because we were supposed to get married on Saturday. It seems selfish or self-involved to be upset or emotional at having to postpone our wedding given everything going on in the country and world over the past several months but it was a surprising blow, doubly surprising given even when we sent out our invitations we were fully aware that it was a possibility. Even with that knowledge it was affecting, intellectually knowing it was possible/likely but emotionally tightly holding on.

Over the past couple weeks we've been able to process it and with this time away it's really helped to put things in perspective, feel more assured and stable, relax and recharge, and move forward. I've always felt energized and soothed by time alone and in nature and with the stress and tedium of life in 2020 this time away was especially needed and restorative. Because the reality is the wedding and parties and concerts and eating inside, all that stuff can wait, we're healthy and together and ultimately that's what's important. Cliche perhaps but true. Simple not easy.

Simple, Not Easy

All love is a struggle
because it is not an easy thing
there is an element of striving
to maintain any precious feeling
an element of effort, sweat and tears
to develop the intimacy required
to survive the ever-passing year.

It's peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows
not a perpetual unbending line
life's periodic and myriad trials
never as simple as valentines
like waves they crash
upon devotion, to test and temper
and perhaps to crack and shatter.

But success is not complicated-
communication, desire, and support
thus is foraged a partnership
that can answer all retorts
trust the path to walk upon
affection the compass way
hope the breaking of the dawn
and faith to fend off time's decay.

When You're Gone

I like it when you're gone
for an afternoon or evening
I vacuum and consolidate the garbage,
cook and listen to my
books on tape,
watch my shows
maybe even pee
with the door open
luxuriating in the privacy.

For a day
I stay busy
more cleaning-
wiping counters, scrubbing sinks,
sweeping stairs-
perhaps reorganizing drawers
or mopping floors
maybe I'll try a new dish
something ambitious
to impress on your return.

A weekend
I can tolerate
but the tasks begin to reach
color coding DVDs
cleaning baseboards
reading entire books
journaling then ordering dozens
of prints on Shutterfly
to augment said journaling.

I enjoy it mostly
but there's only so much
solitary fussing that can be done
before the reality sets in.

After days
I notice a dulling
yes, I miss you
your laugh
your comforting embrace
your conversation
and encouragement
your simple companionship
but I realize more acutely
the absence of our partnership
which over years has become
just as vital a part of me
my identity
as my love of movies
my compulsive cleaning
my hometown Rockford
my motorcycle
as defining
as anything that makes me me
and in your protracted absence
I feel a startling weakness
and I am reminded
how much strength you give me
how enlivening is our love
and though I know I can endure
I'd rather not
so please come home.

Last Day At Zion

Last full day in Zion today, head out tomorrow morning for Vegas for the fly back. Went on a longer hike on the East Rim Trail for most of the morning, rolling desert surrounded by colorful crags, had the trail mostly to ourselves. In the afternoon we took one final spin around the park in the shuttle and walked around a bit saying our goodbyes. Capped it off with dinner at the tried and true Subway.

Coming into this I was somewhat apprehensive about how crowded the park would be because that's the warning in basically every review or write up. And it certainly was well attended even at the end of October but it seemed like most people were only there to do the two most well known hikes, Angel's Landing and The Narrows, and quite frankly most of the people weren't rude exactly but certainly weren't particularly friendly. A stark difference than most of the National Parks we've been to as far as the culture. It was more tourist destination than natural sanctuary. Which is fine, the park service needs the exposure, but the relief for me was that with a little research we could go off the beaten path, and be virtually alone. No matter where you are the park is breathtaking, vast, and stirring. There's an serene enormity to it, a graceful yet daunting beauty, that's really moving. Nicole and I had a wonderful time, we did a bit more planning this year and struck the perfect balance of activities and longer exertions. It's always nice to get away from work, get out of the city, but this was particularly needed and particularly special.

6th Anniversary

Nicole and I celebrated six years together today. We went to Ali Wong yesterday(amazing) and out for a fancy meal this evening. It was really fun but there was so much food and all of it had an obscene amount of butter in it.

As time goes by we know each other better, our partnership deepens, and the challenges we've navigated and fun things we've done compound to create this broadening shared experience. Over time the hurdle is keeping things fresh, not falling into extended routines, and doing special stuff for our anniversary is a way to do that, to break out of comfortable patterns that can, if left for too long, become sedentary. It was a great anniversary and with our wedding next year this year will be an exciting one and I can't wait for it.

Engagement

When I heard people say
"I love them more every day"
I thought it hyperbolic
or even outright fabrication
but after years I discover
a truth more poignant than fiction
love is not a line
straight, uniform and rigid
but a flowing, blooming, looping thing
that crests and ebbs
but always grows
and from time to time wonder
like a flash of lightening
reveals a previously uncharted
reservoir of feeling
and these revelations compound
each one upon the last
and I realize, yes
I love you more every day
and that is not platitude or flattery
but bone-deep and resonate certainty.

Valentine's Day Poem

I'll be with you
till the end of time
our paths forever
intertwined
as we age
come what may
partners today
and every other

Holidaze

After days
of travel-
obligation
and
celebration-
I lay my head
in my partner's lap
unburdened
for a time.

The Numbers For 2018

Year #6 without a drink. I didn't do it alone, I couldn't. I've stayed sober because of the help of others and the grace of my Higher Power.

I read 62 books my top 5 were The Sudden Appearance of Hope, The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, The Minotaur Takes A Cigarette Break, The Anubis Gates, and Paradox Bound.

I saw 82 movies in the theater.

I fired a gun for the first time.

We(Nicole and I) went to 2 author events(Christina Henry and Esther Perel).

We went to 2 Michelin starred restaurants(Topolobampo and Parachute).

We went to 4 weddings.

We went ice skating once.

I went on 3 vacations (Richmond, motorcycle trip around Lake Michigan, New Mexico).

I saw 1 adolescent hero- Broon.

I did 48 shows with Deep Schwa.

I did 47 shows with Sight Unseen.

I did 9 shows with Plane Station.

I did 4 shows with Terrific Six(various mixes of members from my first improv team The Album).

I directed 1 solo show.

I understudied and performed in the play Deerfield Inn once.

I wrote 68 poems, 3 essays, and did 9 readings.

I rode my motorcycle for 6 months.

I went to 1 magic show.

I went to 0 funerals.

I went to 0 plays.

I went to 0 concerts.

I helped celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday.

Nicole and I celebrated our 5th Anniversary.

A full year, a satisfying year, a fast year. I'm grateful for each and every day.

Airport Security

The young couple
in front of us
couldn't restrain
themselves
from kissing
and caressing
when they should
have been
binning
and progressing
their effects
so
I shoved his laptop
down the rollers
and tossed their shoes
to make room for us
and the hundred people
all waiting behind
the couple
didn't even notice
so lost were they
in youth
and hormonal desire.

Heedless

I didn't realize what was at stake
when I voiced my incoherence
which came across
as judgement,
didn't realize until that moment
when it was threatened
what I took for granted,
didn't realize the pain
I could cause or feel
with tactless words.

Love is a dance
not a solo
a twinning
not a tyranny.

Young Love

People talk
as if it was
unparalleled
mystic,
mythic,
fertile,
fabled,
enshrined
in song
and celluloid
but
what I remember
is awkward
evenings-
strained silences
between
amorous fumbelings
too young
to effectively
communicate
sharing the bulk
of our buregoning
emotions
over AOL
Instant Messenger.

"I love you"

There was a time
when I use to pour myself
from a bottle of Jim Beam
isolated, lonely, and desperate.
Any woman
who showed me
a modicum of interest
or affection
I would drunkenly
proclaim my love for
in hopes it would fill
my emptiness,
bring order
to my chaos,
mend my
brokenness,
to no ones surprise
it never did.

Sober now
I'm mostly whole
and at peace
available to to give love
and receive it.
I met a woman
who is partner, lover,
and best friend
with whom I have
an emotional
symbiosis
I no longer take and take and take
and can say "I love you"
with conviction
know it's depth
and implication
no longer a ploy
or forlorn pronouncement
but real, sincere, and understood.

Kids

Went up to Madison today to spend time with my niece Maris. Last time I saw her was a couple months ago and its astonishing how much she's grown. She's so expressive and energetic and curious its really incredible. She was smiling a ton and so engaging. It was wondrous. And although that might seem hyperbolic or saccharine it is sincere. Perhaps anyone who has a close connection with a child realizes it but wow, a little human growing and evolving so quickly and joyously right before your eyes, there's nothing like it.

In the evening I hung out with Adam and his son Eli, his older son Ethan is getting to the age where he's a bit too cool and just wants to play video games so he was around but plugged in. Ah well. We had a nice visit, always great to see my oldest bud and spend some QT with the boys.

Maybe its just aging, maybe its the fact the over half the people I know have kids, are pregnant, or want kids but there's a lot of kids in my life currently and how fun and cool it is interacting with them and watching them grow is not something I ever expected but its an opportunity I relish and am grateful for.

Love Haiku

My lips on your skin

-magnetic and electric-

a pleasant good night

My Darling Chi

At first I thought you cruel
your sprawling concrete pathways
and looming steel structures
dwarfed me and affirmed
my insignificance.

I could feel your indifference,
at times outright hostility,
it was a struggle
simply to exist
in your expansive churning sprawl
you moved with such speed
I could barely find my footing
let alone keep pace
and eventually I fell
my defeat, one of many,
splayed out ungainly
across your apathy.

I left beaten and dejected.
After two years I returned.

Refueled and corrected
the confidence of youth
appropriately eroded
I came back
offering proper fealty
to your looming impassivity.

Knowing well and respecting
your vein like pumping grid
and steady thrumming pulse
over time I found a place
in your avenues and streets,
bus routes and railways,
restaurants and shops,
secret corners and quiet stops.

I carved out a home
with patience and resolve
and eventually found you
not only warm
but inviting
after I, humbled,
divested of entitlement,
became a part
of your broad shouldered embrace.