Friday, February 28, 2014

Sessions

The past two Fridays I've been rehearsing with Jeff on his directing program improv show. It's like an improvised VH1 Behind The Music. Thankfully I don't do any singing in it, my improvised musical abilities are touch and go at best, I narrate and guide the piece dictating time jumps, locations, situations, and set up songs. Mike, Jeannie, and Alison are the band and have been creating some amazing, catchy, and stylistically different types of songs.

It's gratifying and challenging to do narrative based longform again. I haven't done it since I did HouseCo at Second City back in 2011. It has different requirements and restrictions. In this particular instance most of the onus is on me to guide the piece and create a logical, if not totally satisfying, narrative arc. It is significantly divergent than the kind of improv I've been doing recently, it's refreshing. It's also interesting working with Jeff and Jeannie in this different context outside of Schwa. I never got a chance to have Jeff as a teacher so being directed by him has been great. Working with Jeannie outside our already established patterns has been fun and freed us up to try some different characters and dynamics. I've never worked with Mike or Alison before and they've been a real pleasure. The rehearsals have been easy and fluid and fun. Kind of surprising because, to my mind, musical improv can be difficult and clunky.

We start a four week run this Thursday in the DeMaat theater at Second City 10:30pm.

I asked Jeff if we had a name. He replied "I panicked and just said Sessions."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Promise Of Spring

exhaustion
hits its peak
cosmic valves
strain and leak
a brief glimpse
of warmth to come
then bleakness
shrouds and numbs
the only hint
of whats begun
is the shade
of the setting sun

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Bubble Boys: Mutants

This episode is inspired a bit by the Toxic Avenger and Matthew Broderick 80's movies WarGames and Projext X. I think its a great frame work to showcase some of the bizarre and dark inclinations of our wonderful guests. I'm continually amazed how much more sophisticated and provocative Tim's sound design gets with each episode. You can almost feel the sludge dripping off the tentacles of this motley crew.


Sven and Henry receive their first assignment- guarding a top secret nuclear facility.

Featuring:
Steve Nelson as Sven Ingaborg
Andrew Tisher as Henry Mossmouth
Joey Dundale as Waltraud Babyman
Jo Feldman as Thunderpot Fieldmouse
Alex Honnet as 2nd Liet. Roy Tennisonn
and Drennen Quinn as Ted Danson

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Thought Vacation 2

The Badlands. My happy place.

It's no secret to anyone the winter has been grating. Overlong and intense it has a corrosive quality on the spirit. Most people have adapted to the cold but it is still unpleasant and constricting. I feel a bit forced to ground. Not as mobile because of the extremity of it. More lethargic because of its seeming endlessness.

But there are things that get me through- movies, books, Nicole, Schwa. One thought, a plan slowly taking shape, is a motorcycle ride to The Badlands. My sister is getting married Labor Day weekend and I might take the following week off. Leisurely trek through Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the South Dakota flat lands. Spend a good couple days in the heat and silence. Refueling in the beautiful alien landscape I love.

"The Badlands grade all the way from those that are almost rolling in character to those that are so fantastically broken in form and so bizarre in color as to seem hardly properly to belong to this earth." -Theodore Roosevelt

"After nightfall the face of the country seems to alter marvelously, and the clear moonlight only intensifies the change. The river gleams like running quicksilver, and the moonbeams play over the grassy stretches of the plateaus...The Badlands seem to be stranger and wilder than ever, the silvery rays turning the country into a kind of grim fairyland." -Theodore Roosevelt

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Monday, February 24, 2014

Graffiti 118

My guess is this is for Chicago restaurant Schwa but I'd like to think it is for my improv team Deep Schwa.

Last night I did a lot at the Schwa show. I hosted,took notes and pulled lights for the two opening teams, and played. It was probably too much. I don't think it detracted from my performance but it certainly could have. I felt spread a bit thin and drained before I even got on stage because of focusing intently on the first two teams. Not something I'd like to repeat but fun to test the boundaries of how much I can take on and execute during a show.

"If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges." -Pat Riley

"I want to be perceived as a guy who played his best in all facets, not just scoring. A guy who loved challenges." -Michael Jordan

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Grandma

Yesterday was my grandmother's 84th birthday. My extended family all got together to celebrate. I spent a good portion of Friday night and most of the day Saturday transcribing poems I'd written into a moleskin as her present. She's a poetry fanatic and poet in her own right, I think she liked the gift and gets a bang out of her grandson writing poems.

There was never a question of love between my grandma and I but our relationship was overshadowed by the immediate and close connection I had with my late grandfather. I once asked my dad if I could call my grandmother, when he let me do so and she answered I immediately asked her to put my grandfather on the phone. After his passing there was a brief period where we tried to get to know each other better. Grandma Pat took me to a couple movies, all of them my picks, which ended with a very awkward viewing of Water World.

When I hit middle school our connection became periodically contentious and continued in that vein through college. My grandmother, an ardent feminist and member of the League of Women Voters, would lecture me at length about how to treat women, their undeniable equality, and in the same breath order me to take out the trash, clean out the basement, or mow the lawn. She paid a great deal of attention to my female cousins and interacted with me, I felt, with a certain amount of gender superiority and scorn. For my part I was frequently petulant, habitually hostile, and occasionally deliberately disrespectful. Time passed and all that faded.

Although never really close recently we've both made more of an effort. She's taken an interest in my comedy career, has come to a couple shows, and will even pitch me bits. Most of them involving some combination of older people, innuendo, driving, death, and McDonald's oatmeal cookies. I've tried to make myself more available, engage her at family gatherings, and keep an eye out for poems or collections she might like. In a way my birthday gift is a long overdue peace offering.

I love my grandmother and I know she loves me. Through the times of conflict and discord that did not change. Blood calls to blood. I don't forget the past because it got me to the present. But I am grateful any lingering resentment or friction has dissipated. There is time left to enjoy each others company and share each others interests.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Street Talk 17

(at bus stop)
Guy: Black folks is different. They watch out for each other...wherever black folks go they watch out for each other...white people- no...asian people- no. Black folks they go to DC, Atlanta, Philly, middle of fuckin' Montana whatever...they watch out for each other. They take care. No matter how many of them there are. They find each other. No matter what. What do white people care about each other? They don't.
Twenty five bucks an hour...y'all make twenty five bucks an hour...shit...we all have the same shit in our lives, go through the same shit...twenty five bucks an hour and a house and a car and a labtop...don't change life...we the same...that shit is always the same...I use to make twenty five dollars a day but I was happier than all y'all...all that shit is stuff...life is the same. All the same.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Steppenwolf Surprise

Tonight I surprised Nicole with tickets to Russian Transport at Steppenwolf. Neither of us had been to a legit play in a long time, odd because we both studied theater in college, and it felt good to be back in a straight theater again. The performances were great with the exception of the 14 year old daughter in the play being played by a 22 year old woman, she was way over the top indicating "young" with a lot of waving of elbows and knees and contrived sighs. The ending of the play was a little ambiguous and unsatisfying but overall an enjoyable and interesting show.

Nicole and I both noted what a different kind of crowd it was(compared to a comedy crowd). Probably 80% of the audience was over the age 65 and a good portion of them nodded off at one point or another.

We both commented afterwards how much the experience made us miss doing theater. In the program there was a couple pictures of the cast during rehearsal. It brought back some nice memories of memorizing lines, breaking down a script, taking notes from a director, creating and being molded within the confines of a script.

After doing improv and sketch comedy exclusively for five years I feel compelled to go back to the source of my passion for performance.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Groh Show #19

Episode 19 has a number of exclusives. We finally get Danny to sing us a line from an original song, tell us the name of his band, and the two products he recently shot unauthorized commercials for. We also delve into Danny's approach/non-approach to finding love.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Bubble Boys: Boot Camp

This episode takes a lot from Full Metal Jacket and a little from Weekend At Bernie's. This is a big step on our way to a substantially more irreverent season. Lots of great stuff from our guests, I feel very grateful to have my good friends and former improv teammates be part of the show.


The Bubble Boys get drafted and shipped off to basic training. Will they be bolstered up or broken down?

Featuring:
Steve Nelson as Pvt. Sven Ingaborg
Andrew Tisher as Pvt Henry Mossmouth and Gen. MacArthur
John Pantlind as Pvt. Freddy Dolt
Jimmy Pennington as Drill Sgt. Emily Shankshrifte
and Vince Portacci as Pvt. Lawrence Fischburg

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Mean Face

Growing up I got bullied. The middle school and high school I went to were pretty rough. It taught me to present myself in a certain way. To appear tough, to appear big, to appear mean, to appear ready. All in order to be ignored, left alone. The residual effect is that my neutral face, the face I make when I don't intend to be making a face at all, is a mean face.

Some people have told me they didn't like me when they first met me. I'm told I can initially strike people as distant, intimidating, and angry. It doesn't help that I'm a little reserved when meeting people. But that passes and any first impressions, mine and theirs, are usually wrong. I blame any confusion on the mean face. Seemingly only in job interviews is my expressionless extremely serious mug appropriate.

There are some benefits. Twice in the past month I've been with Tisher when he has been stopped, cornered, and prosthelytized to. He told me it happens to him often. He also gets harassed by pamphleteers and the can-you-spare-a-moment people. I rarely get approached at all. No one has ever asked me if I accepted Christ into my heart.

My long ago "don't fuck with me" defense has faded but not vanished. At this point I wouldn't want it to, it's part of who I am.

If you see me from across the room and you think "wow, that guy looks like an asshole" remember its not me, its just my face.

Monday, February 17, 2014

'Tim's Vermeer' A Review

Tim's Vermeer is a documentary about Tim Jenison's obsession with discovering and duplicating Johannes Vermeer painting technique. The film provides some context from Tim as an inventor and graphic designer and then follows him on his journey into Vermeer's work. Tim suspects that Vermeer must have used some kind of optic device in order to capture light in the way he does in his paintings. Tim hypothetically duplicates this device and attempts to make a reproduction of Vermeer's The Music Lesson.

The film is interesting and delves into detail regarding Vermeer, his paintings, optics of the 17th century, and his possible technique. Tim is engaging as we see him gently toil through his experiment but he lacks the charm to really hook the viewer. His is almost too matter-of-fact and calm. There is a moment towards the end of the film where Tim becomes emotional but its the only glimpse we get from him of real feeling. Ultimately the film is rather dry and it's narrow focus prevents us from getting to know Tim or discover why he is so obsessed. It mentions the relationship between technology and art but goes no further. At the core the film asks can Vermeer's technique be duplicated yes or no and everything else is put aside in service of that one relatively unimportant question.

A light, enjoyable, slightly curious film that delves into one extremely specific facet of art pedagogy.

Rent It.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Graffiti 117

There is something vain about this. But something brave too.

“Some people become cops because they want to make the world a better place. Some people become vandals because they want to make the world a better looking place.” -Banksy

“Speak softly, but carry a big can of paint.” -Banksy

Saturday, February 15, 2014

'Robocop' A Review

Robocop is a scifi action movie about a cyborg Detriot detective, a remake of the 1987 cult classic of the same name. The movie opens on Sam Jackson as a Bill O'Reilly stand in. He is berating the American public for being "robophobic". The US has used robots for peacekeeping overseas but has yet to allow them on their own soil. The head of the robot producing company Omnicorp played by an underutilized Michael Keaton decides to put a man inside a machine in order to sway public opinion. Joel Kinnaman as Det. Murphy is fatally injured and becomes Robocop.

Without the context of the original film this remake is almost completely devoid of focus, a defining narrative, and social commentary. This remake turned a funny, biting-satire, action film into a bloated CGI heavy cash grab. There is no humor in the movie and the CGI action is more reminiscent of video games than cinema. The story attempts to inject emotional stakes into Robocop's journey but it is not developed and ultimately serves only as a distraction.

The cast is star-studded but no one is given much of anything to do. Gary Oldman brings a convincing earnestness to his role and Jackson is bizarre and frightening but despite some great effort the performances fall flat.

The movie is over long. It takes over an hour for Kinnaman to become Robocop and there isn't much of him actually being Robocop before the drawn out ending begins. There is an opportunity in the movie to raise questions about unmanned fighters and drones which is addressed only vaguely in favor of grotesque scenes of Kinnman's head floating over his glass encased lungs.

A far cry from the crisp darkly amusing original. A boring disappointment.

Don't See It.

Friday, February 14, 2014

What It Means

Love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry.

It means saying sorry when you should.
It means saying sorry when you don't want to.
It means doing things, small and large.
It means listening and compromise.
It means support and partnership and honesty.

Love is not implicit but explicit.
It must be expressed.
It is defined by action and communication.
Not by silence, assumption, and inference.

Cards and chocolates, flowers and special dinners.
These are ways to say I love you.
To show I love you.
But love is also shown in a hug.
A snuggle.
A kind word.
An attentive ear.
On every day, not just this day.

Love is doing. Not-doing is not love.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Random Thoughts 5


James sent me this because he said the song was stuck in his head. It's soothing and unsettling.

I got angry and spoke in anger last week for the first time in a long time. I apologized almost immediately after. It was comforting in an odd way. I thought I had lost my temper completely.

There are so few movies to see in the theater, I will more than likely see I, Frankenstein out of sheer desperation.

It's great to have federal holidays off but almost no one has them off with you.

A lot of people I know have been talking about moving. I feel like the harsh winter has shaken some things loose.

The cold and the snow don't bother me as much as not being able to ride my motorcycle.

Then I raised my head
and stared out over
the blue February waste
to the blue bank of hill
with stars on it
in strings and festoons---
but above that:
one opaque
stone of a cloud
just on the hill
left and right
as far as I could see;
and above that 
a red streak, then
icy blue sky!

It was a fearful thing
to come into a man's heart
at that time; that stone
over the little blinking stars
they'd set there.
-William Carlos Williams

Charlie Brooker creator of anthology show Black Mirror "I don't want to slag off shows like House or… well, I'll slag off CSI - why the f**k does anyone watch that?! It's the same thing every week, the same f**king thing! CSI: Miami is the one I'm talking about - why would anyone watch it? It's literally the same thing every f**king week! I cannot for the life of me understand. You watch it once and it's f**king brilliant - it's one really brilliant episode that they're showing again and again and again. David Caruso - a mental performance! I mean, a brave performance in many ways, but a mental one. Constantly looking like he's reading his lines off the floor and doing the whole sunglasses thing - mental!"

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Bubble Boys: The Death Of Tesla

The idea for this episode came about when Tisher and I were researching 1943, come to find out Tesla died January of that year. We had referenced Tesla in the finale of season 1 and really wanted to have Bill back to reprise his role as Gustus so it seemed like a natural pairing. This episode also takes a little inspiration from David Bowie's Tesla in The Prestige.


Sven and Henry visit Henry’s uncle Gustus in hopes of receiving residuals from their voice changing gum. This leads to a cross country confrontation with the most mysterious scientist of the century: Nikola Tesla!

Featuring:
Steve Nelson as Sven Ingaborg
Andrew Tisher as Henry Mossmouth
Bill Arnett as Gustus Mossmouth
Griffen Eckstein as Nikola Tesla and Hitchhiker
and Tim Joyce as Sgt. Mertz

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Old Ambitions

I had a real hard time acclimating to Chicago when I first moved in 2006. So hard in fact I packed it in after a year and a half and moved back in with my parents. There were many mitigating factors of course but the size, the crowded isolation, the grind of the city drained me. Chicago chewed me up and spit me out.

Settled in Rockford, gradually putting my life back together, I wrote this song about how much I hated Chicago.


Who knew Myspace was still active, I haven't looked at my profile since I uploaded this song 5 years ago. Unfortunately it's been about that long since I picked up my guitar. I was pretty passionate about music all through college and for a couple years after. I use to practice almost every day, learn about a song a month, and every once in a while write one of my own.

When I moved back to Chicago in 2010 I just stopped playing. Got too busy, couldn't find the time, got interested in other things. I miss playing and singing. One of my goals for this year is to restring my guitar and start making music again.

Monday, February 10, 2014

A Haunting Memory

Children sometimes say awful things to their parents while they are growing up. I certainly did. I regret a lot of my behavior over the past decade but only a few things weigh on me still.

Thanksgiving weekend 2003 I went out with some high school friends on Saturday night. We went to some apartment, I can't remember whose, an acquaintance of a friend, it was questionable. I played "never-have-I-ever" for the first time and we all got very drunk.

I made it home around 3am. I stumbled inside, fell up the stairs, and eventually made it into my room. The world was spinning. A short time passed which felt like a long time. I dragged myself over to my Chicago Bears trash can and threw up. At some point during my retching my mother opened my bedroom door. She asked "Steve...are you all right?"

I looked up at her- my eyes watering, body shaking, head hovering over the sick filled Chicago Bears receptacle- and replied gruffly "Shut. The Fucking. Door." And she did. It may be the moment I regret most in my entire life.

The next morning my father came into my room. Early. He asked "Did you puke in here?" and I cannot describe the scorn and disgust which my father injected into the word puke. I lied. "No." He looked at the Chicago Bears garbage can, picked it up, got a whiff of it, muttered "Jesus Fucking Christ" and walked out closing the door.

Shortly after I got up my friend Drew picked me up and we drove back to college. I don't think my parents and I ever discussed this particular event.

There were many similar events to follow which garnered much trouble, worry, and discussion. My parents have always supported me, loved me unconditionally, and endevored to help me. They never gave up on me, they never cut me out. I am grateful for them and sometimes astonished by the patience and restraint they showed.

Now I'm in a position to be truly loving, caring, and open with my parents. It's a gift. I can be there for them the way they have always been there for me. 
My folks July 2012 a week before they, along with my sister, helped me get some help.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Graffiti 116

I don't know what this is suppose to be. At first I thought Wonder Woman telephone. I think I like it. I think its funny. Maybe its just creepy.

"I've had years of bizarre hallucinogenic magical experiences in which I believed I had communicated with entities that may well have been disassociated parts of my own personality or conceivably some independent entity of a metaphysical nature. Both would seem equally interesting." -Alan Moore

Saturday, February 8, 2014

'August: Osage County' A Review

August: Osage County is a dysfunctional family drama based on the Tracy Letts Pulitzer Prize winning play. Set in the Oklahoma plains the film opens with a monologue from patriarch Beverly Weston, played by a wonderful Sam Shepard, unfortunately this is the only time he is on screen. Beverly disappears and the Weston clan marshals around pill popping matriarch Violet(Meryl Streep) and old wounds are reopened.

The talented but uneven ensemble struggles to get the film off the ground and the result is interesting but inconsistent. The main fault lies in the two leads Streep and Julia Roberts as oldest daughter Barbara. They both give incredibly loud over-the-top performances better suited for the stage. They both oscillate from caricature to sincerity so quickly nothing is believable. They also lay the Oklahoma accent on thick in the first half of the film and then it virtually disappears. The remaining ensemble ranges from mediocre(Ewan McGregor, Abagail Breslin, Dermot Mulroney) to great(Chris Cooper, Julieanne Nicholson, Margo Martindale) but the supporting performances fail to sew up the erratic Streep and Roberts. Nicholson especially hits the perfect balance of reserve and emotion the film calls for but she is overshadowed by all the shouting and drug addled behavior.

The story, billed as a black comedy, is itself problematic. There is nothing terribly redeeming, endearing, or sympathetic about many of the characters. A story about a fractured family coming together and being ugly to each other isn't very interesting. There is a lot of subtlety and layers that could be cultivated from the script but this version of August: Osage County is all bluster and no heart. A sappy and melodramatic score just hightens the tonal irregularities.

A film with a lot of potential, some amazing moments, fails to coalesce.

Rent It.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Affability

The major tenant of improv is "yes and". Initially this is an effective mantra cultivating acceptance, support, and collaboration. As performers gain experience and confidence the strict adherence to this philosophy becomes a liability for interpersonal communication and creative output.

Off stage the "yes and" credo can cause reticence for team members to speak up, stand up for themselves within the group, and voice personal wants or discomforts. This mentality can lead to a kind of stagnant apathy because everyone is thinking of "the good of the group" and doesn't want to "rock the boat" no decisions get made and problems get ignored until people are so fed-up they blow-up or quit. People make a lot of unnecessary concessions because they want to "yes and" their fellow performers/friends, going along to get along is prevalent. Being blindly agreeable is only accidentally beneficial, doubly so in a creative setting.

If something is bothering you artistically or personally you should voice it, do so in a calm and open way, I'm not advocating temper or slander, but I am advocating direct communication and letting concerns be known. "Yes and" does not mean do whatever someone else says, it means listen and collaborate, your personal feelings and opinions should not be sacrificed simply because they run counter to the perceived groups. Individuals make up a group and each individual needs to have a say.

On stage, after a certain point, the literal application of "yes and" becomes unnecessary. "Yes and" is an idea, a style, a mode of performance. There comes a point when actually saying it is no longer necessary and where doing so sacrifices the integrity of the performance. Recently I've noticed a lot of affable scenes. One person comes in with a point of view, an angle, and their scene partner is totally agreeable. And totally boring.

There's this idea that some players get trapped in, that whoever speaks first has ownership over the scene and they simply agree with whatever the person says. In order to build a scene, to truly collaborate and support, that other person has to contribute content. They don't have to say "yes and" they don't have to have overt(i.e. saying "yesyesyes") agreement, they have to "yes" the idea and "and" it further. That can be done through any number of ways- specific details, physical play, argument, emotion, back story, stakes etc. That isn't done by simply nodding at your scene partner and agreeing with what they are saying. That puts all the impetus on one person to invent everything about the scene and its boring to watch. Two people discovering and building a scene is fascinating, one person inventing a scene while the other person affirms their inventions bores me to fucking tears.

"Yes and" is a hard and fast rule when learning improv. But once learned it becomes mailable, it can be bent and twisted and tied and tucked. Once understood fundamentally its effective application is much more ethereal. Acceptance of others ideas(which does not necessarily mean accomdation of), honesty, and openess, these are the cultivated traits not blind obedience, assimilation, and passive agreement.

Groups are made up of individuals and individuality must be maintained and expressed. Only then can a truly cohesive and strong group emerge.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Attrition

another commute
another delay
misery reaps
a fine bouquet

emotions crack
in brittle cold
fatigue exhumes
what once was bold

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Bubble Boys: Rosie The Riveter

Bubble Boys Season II is underway. Our old-time-radio style show is back and this time set during WWII. This season features some stellar performances from some amazing improvisers. New episodes every Wednesday. Listen here or subscribe on iTunes.


Season 2 begins with our heroes donning dresses and infiltrating the most secretive of American sects: the women’s workforce.

Featuring:
Steve Nelson as Sven/Selene Ingaborg
Andrew Tisher as Henry/Helen Mossmouth
Annie Donley as Mitzie Slaughter
Allison Ringhand as Norma Titan
Lily Sullivan as Ronnie Winkle
and Tim Joyce as Ron Skelton

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Comfort

blankets
over bare skin
warmth
in crooks and cranies
neck nuzzles and shoulder hollows
tangled limbs which softly kiss
spoken word sends adrift

horror comes
swift and low
panic and premonition
gasp awake
lingering intuition
reality sounds paper thin
until sleep comes once again

Monday, February 3, 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman: A Reminder

Whenever drugs or alcohol take a life it is tragic. There is nothing selfish or weak about the struggle with addiction. Some people are born with a genetic disposition for excess, a gift for boundless consumption, often augmented by psychology. It is a struggle. A desperate, lonely, painful, guilt-ridden struggle. It requires constant vigilance and support. Frequently you have to ask for help. Sometimes you get tired of fighting. I know what it is, I've been there.

The passing of Philip Seymour Hoffman is lamentable but he leaves behind 20 years of incredible work as an artist. He has an uncompromising legacy. He will be remembered.

His death does not surprise me. It is a mantra of those in recovery that taking that first drug or that first drink has only two potential outcomes: jail or death. Relapse is common and perpetually lurking. Addiction is insidious. Drunk, high, or sober it gains strength. Any sober alcoholic or drug addict is days, minutes, even seconds away from total ruin. Myself included. It is a precarious place but with diligence, care, and compassion a sober life can be a rewarding life if never an easy one. I proffer no judgement on the late actor I'm trying to elucidate the tenuous position he and other people with addiction are in.

I do not know the circumstances of Hoffman's death but I would bet it was not some huge event but something small that drove the actor back to excessive drug use. Maybe he saw an advertisement for an alcohol he never tried. Maybe he watched the heroin scene in Pulp Fiction. Maybe he was worn down by the cold and cooped up and bored. Whatever it was I bet it was small. A fleeting moment. A brief craving. A passing trigger. And for that moment his cunning addiction had been lying in wait. One moment was all it took.

I hope his death opens peoples eyes about addiction. How serious it is and how many people need help. There's still a stigma with addiction- that its a matter of will power, that its not an actual disease, etc. Regardless of what you call it or how you classify it addiction is fatal. And these fatalities are avoidable.

I take it personal. That could be me, not that I could be a lauded movie star with an Oscar, but I could be dead. Rich/poor famous/unknown addiction does not discriminate. I would not receive accolades or retrospectives but I might warrant a headline like "Local Comedian Found Dead, Alcohol Related".

For those in recovery this is a reminder. Death is close.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

'The Invisible Woman' A Review

The Invisible Woman is a period romantic drama about Charles Dickens and his mistress Nelly Ternan. The film opens on Nelly(Felicity Jones) aggressively walking alone across a cold, wind swept beach. She makes her way to a school, which her husband and her run, and starts a rehearsal for a play written by Charles Dickens. The film unfolds in a series of flashbacks showing her meeting the famous author and their eventual relationship.

Ralph Finnes as Charles Dickens is charming, charismatic, and at times childish. The viewer is seduced along with Nelly initially by his material in a scene where Dicken's is giving a reading. The passion and performance of the reading create a mystique and Finnes follows it up with incessant care, attention, and likability. He is always upbeat almost to the point of recklessness or a disconnect with the world around him, this is juxtaposed well with Jones's understatement, caution, and naivete. Their romance evolves gradually and relies more on the mood, tone, and score of the film rather than scenes with heavy dialogue. We get a sense of real love between the two but the sensitivity, discretion, and prudence of their courtship carries more weight. It is a dance of impending guilt rather than seduction.

There is virtually no judgement of the relationship by the supporting characters, even from Dicken's wife Catherine portrayed by a strong, reserved, yet  heartbreaking Joanna Scanlan. The judgement comes mainly from Nelly herself. Nelly is conflicted, melancholic, and seems mostly unsatisfied but unable to separate herself or her morals from the alluring Dickens. Finnes plays Dickens sympathetic and struggling to be a good man(by the definition of the times) but unable to give full focus or priority to anything but his work. A famous man use to getting what he wants, gets what he wants the way he wants it. At the end of the affair Nelly is cloistered, kept secret for Dicken's, and you get a sense she is resigned but not happy.

A complicated film with layered, poignant performances from the leads, made all the more complicated by the ease in which the love could have blossomed in modern times.

See It.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Graffiti 115

I started smoking three years ago when I first tried to get sober. The old substitution method. I kept on and now in my recovery I cling to it in a way, the only vice I have left. I want and hope to quit at some point. But not now. I'm not willing to give it up. Not yet.

"Coffee and smoking are the last great addictions." -Lara Flynn Boyle

"So smoking is the perfect way to commit suicide without actually dying. I smoke because it's bad, it's really simple." -Damian Hirst

"Every citizen who stops smoking, or loses a few pounds, or starts managing his chronic disease with real diligence, is caulking a crack for the benefit of us all." -Mitch Daniels