New Years Through The Years

Last night was a great New Years. In the past I've always put a lot of pressure on doing something exciting which more often than not is a disappointment. When I think about it all I really want to do is spend some time with people I love. Yesterday I spent a nice relaxing afternoon with Punam, went out to dinner with Vince, Amy, Clayton, and Nicole, then met up with Punam at Second City for the count down. It's always nice to be around people and feel that celebratory atmosphere but this year there was no unreasonable expectation it was just fun. Getting older probably has something to do with it, figuring out what I want to do and doing it rather than buying into this New Years hype. The new year is a good time for reflection and I've been thinking about my new years past.

NYE 2011- Punam had a fun dinner party and later in the evening we watched movies and snuggled. It was a good new year but I was feeling angsty. I still had this pull or idea that I was fighting against- where's the place to be, lets do something momentous. At the time I don't think I was that comfortable in my own skin and that was a portent for a portion of the following year.

NYE 2010- I went to a friend of Alex's house in the suburbs, away from parties and the hustle and bustle. I remember it being very warm and laying in the grass and running around with dogs. It felt like an attempt to escape parties and craziness but I think that's what I still wanted to do or thought I should want to do.

NYE 2009- Alex had a party at his apartment. Matt was in town from Richmond and we had a nice time. I partied too hard and misplaced my watch which Alex didn't find until the following summer. I remember having fun but still feeling disappointed the next day. I had the thought- that's it? I want more!

NYE 2008- I came into Chicago and met HP at a house party where I felt extremely uncomfortable. Towards the end of the night I met Alex at a friend of his condo. Everyone had left the party at that point and it was just Alex, his friend Ted, and me. We talked and made jokes late into the night. I remember it being the best new years I had in a long time.

NYE 2007- A total bust. I think I was alone for the majority of it. I spent the countdown on Navy Pier and watched the fire works. I got split up with the people I was with and it took two hours to get back to my apartment by public transit.

NYE 2006- I had to work until late and then made my way to a friend of HP's party. I didn't know many people there and partied too hard as a result. I remember feeling foolish and scared.

NYE 2005- I drove from the Twin Cities to Normal by way of Downers Grove to pick up a friend. I remember being unsettled at the two different parties I was at. I remember feeling alone and empty. Like I didn't fit in anywhere.

NYE 2004- The first and only time I felt like I did New Years right. Not by my standards but by this platonic idea of New Years. I was in Normal with Beanpole and Bob. I drank a lot and partied hopped and kissed a lot of guys and girls.

NYE 2003- I was in Rockford. Some high school friends rented a hotel room where too many people were packed into one room. I remember feeling desperate and edgy and aggressive.

NYE 2002- My first college New Years. I was in Rockford and my group of high school guy friends partied at one of the guys older brothers apartment. At the time we were all fascinated by getting drunk, it was still new. I remember dancing and singing and wrestling.

New Years is a good time for reflection. I think I'm learning how to be a better person and I'm trying to act on what I've learned. It took me a long time to get to this place and I think I was very selfish for a long time. But this is a new year and anything is possible.

The slate is clean.