Out Of It

At the Schwa show tonight I checked out about half way through. It wasn't that the show wasn't going well because it was. We were moving really fast and getting a lot of laughs. At a certain point I realized everything I wanted to do or was trying to do or ideas that I had were being passed over, deflected, interrupted, overrun. And I decided to stop trying.

I felt really funky afterward. The first show I've had in a long time where I came off stage not having had any fun. We talked it over and I think my teammates were all a little surprised about how down I was about it. They certainly didn't mean to make me feel bad and they all felt sorry about it.

I talked to Craig about it in depth and it made me realize the situation a little clearer. The show was going a certain way, had a certain pace, had a certain feel, and I just didn't really want to play that particular kind of show. I wanted and was trying to do some grounded scenes and that just wasn't the show for that. It was a high-energy pedal-to-the-metal type show and I didn't want it to be that. And that's fine. From time to time you aren't in the mood or you take a back seat in a show and that's fine. You just deal with that. For me I almost never take a back seat in a show so when I feel myself doing that I don't like it. That's something I need to work on. Also I'm a professional. I should act that way. If a show is going on I'm not crazy about doing I still have the ability to contribute and participate. I have the skill, I need to work on the maturity or presence of mind or whatever to deal with it, suck it up, and pitch in. If my ideas aren't being accepted push it and get them in there or go whole hog with someone elses.

Overall it was a learning experience. I didn't enjoy the show but I think I learned more from it than from the last month of really fun shows.

We learn more from failure than success.