At some point on the return trip from LA I got a cold. The past couple days its been a bit of a struggle to get back into the swing of things. As a sober person I rarely get sick and when I do those cold and flu symptoms- nausea, fever, fatigue, general acheyness, insomnia- always bring back that time in my life when I was perpetually hungover. The physiological unpleasantness recalls very visceral distressing memories of my drinking days.
I feel irritable and overwhelmed. Decidedly not myself. I'm struck by the unfairness of it, after quitting drinking haven't I gained the privilege never to be sick again? Shouldn't my daily reprieve from the obsession to drink extend to other more pedestrian illnesses?
Of course not. Everyone no matter what is sick occasionally, it is simply human, and the irascibility that sometimes accompanies a cold or flu is normal. No one is above or beyond weakness and it is self centered to think accomplishments or some degree of moral living makes you deserving of reward. Like with so many things you work through it, you do the best you can, you take care of yourself, and then you get better. That's life, maybe one of the more mundane irksome aspects of it but there it is.
It's jarring I guess, to be sick, because along with those old familiar physical feelings come old habits I'm trying to shake. Being short with people, shirking responsibilities, guilt. But even that is all just part of living, its all a process. You manage and navigate as best you can, make apologies where you need to, give what and when you can, and keep moving forward. That's progress. That's being an adult. It was foreign to me for a long time.
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