I Am The Liquor

As a person who doesn't drink, a person in recovery, sometimes people will ask me what it was like. Most of my friends know my story to some degree, at the very least they know I don't drink. Addiction can be mysterious and a taboo subject so I suspect people wonder about it but don't voice their questions. I'm not particularly sensitive about it but it's a subject a lot of people skirt.

This is what it's like. There's an episode of Trailer Park Boys that gets it exactly right. The trailer park owner Mr. Lahey is an alcoholic and they play this repeatedly for comedic effect. There's a scene where he gives this guy money for groceries he says something like "Here's $100 for food, $1400 for liquor." When I was drinking I would pay my bills and spend almost all the rest of my paycheck on booze, I maxed out my credit card two separate times buying liquor, if I had a choice between booze or food I would always buy booze, at one point I hadn't bought groceries for two years.

Later in that same scene Mr. Lahey is plotting the death of the Trailer Park Boys, this guy says to him "Is that you or the liquor talking?" Mr. Lahey responds "Randy, I AM the liquor." That is what it's like.

The liquor has such a tight hold, you feel you personify it. This hot, racing, desperate, mean, destructive thing has control of you. You speak with its mouth, your feet follow its path, you have one want- consume.

Of course it wasn't always like that, there were a lot of good times before the bad, but when it went bad it went bad fast and it stayed bad for a long time. Free of its grip I feel much more myself. I'm much happier, I have a lot more time to give to others and myself. I have a personality, I'm discovering who I actually am.

When you're an alcoholic all your wants are filtered through the drink. You'll lie, cheat, and steal, do things wholly out of your character in order to fill this ceaseless and gaping need. Manipulate people and situations in order to keep your ability to drink unencumbered.

Its a bit like being possessed, there were times my body would take me to the liquor store or bar when I had no intention of going there. Its also a bit like being a robot, going through the same habits and routines not because of any desire but through some fucked up programming. Its also like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Being governed by some large, faceless, malevolent mothership.

So if you ever wondered, that is what it's like.