Process

unknown destination
line memorization
sleep deprivation
finding motivation
recreating sensation
hard-won realization
character investigation
studied imitation
active imagination
put-upon intonation
peer admiration
opening anticipation
outside affirmation
gradual culmination
creative perspiration
curbing expectation
multiple variations
possible vindication
artistic divination

Graffiti 167

"Art hurts. Art urges voyages - and it is easier to stay at home." -Gwendolyn Brooks

"I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - things I had no words for." -Georgia O'Keeffe

"If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him." -John F. Kennedy

31

Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 31. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Nothing exciting or surprising just fun, relaxing, and good. I got to do everything I wanted to do with the woman that I love.

I made breakfast then we went to walk around Magic Hedge the small nature reserve by the lake. It's probably the only place in the city proper with enough trees next to each other to feel, even for a moment, like you're in the woods. One of the only things lacking in Chicago is parks, there is almost no natural space you can go where you aren't able to see the city, so it was nice to walk around that little wooded patch for a bit.

After soaking up some sun by the lake we took a motorcycle ride up and down Lake Shore.

We stopped off at Unabridged where I got Jo Walton's latest book. Then went for dinner at Las Tablas.

After dinner we went to the movies, then Pick Me Up for some chocolate cake, then headed home where we watched Lost, Nicole has never seen it.

A movie, a good meal, some nature, a slice of bday cake and all with Nicole. It was an incredible low key day. Exactly what I wanted and kind of encapsulates what my life is like right now, what my priorities are.

I don't know what the next year will bring but I'm looking forward to it. There are some big questions hanging in the air- employment, grad school- but I know things will work out one way or another. Over the past year I've been able to settle down a bit, get a little more disciplined and proactive about getting things done while still enjoying the present and staying in it. This year will have some challenges and opportunities and I think I'm ready to handle them. I feel like my life and all the people in it couldn't be more supportive and inspiring, I have a bit of that cliched "anything is possible" feeling. I eagerly anticipate what will happen next and where my path may wind.

Birthday Poem

Damian wrote this poem for my birthday, I really love it.

Ride your motorbike fast and far
It's better than a stupid car
Go see a movie or two or three
Then eat some cake under a tree
Read a book and smoke some cigs
Analyze some improv and make some digs
Update your blog and kiss Nicole
Cuz it's your birthday ya big ol' butthole.

'Love & Mercy' A Review

Love & Mercy is a biographical film about the life and music of Brian Wilson. The story unfolds in two separate interwoven timelines which follow Brian Wilson(Paul Dano) in the 60's during the recording of Pet Sounds and Brian Wilson(John Cusack) during the 80's while he was under the legal guardian ship of abusive psychologist Eugene Landy(Paul Giamatti) and met and fell in love with his second wife Melinda Ledbetter(Elizabeth Banks).

Helmed by two distinct and resonate performances by Dano and Cusack(providing his best turn in years) the film takes you on a immersive, disturbing, and bizarre exploration of two distinct points in Brian Wilson's life. The studio scenes with Dano during the recording of Pet Sounds feel incredibly authentic, shot documentary style on a Super 16 camera, and is one of the most effective portrayals of music and the creation of music on screen. Cusack as the tired, manipulated, overly medicated Wilson has a tougher job but still evokes an eccentric and innocent charm.

Love & Mercy is first and foremost the story of Brian Wilson but it is also a celebration of his music. The soundtrack is superb Beach Boys hits and their more experimental songs weave together a wide ranges of moods which serve as a springboard for the actors. What is most surprising about the film is its darkness. Absolutely no punches are pulled and the emotional journey is draining, at times brutal. But the music and the excellent turns by the actors provide a cathartic if not necessarily pleasurable experience.

Challenging and refreshingly honest.

See It.

The Lily

The modest Rose puts forth a thorn,
The humble sheep a threat'ning horn:
While the Lily white shall in love delight,
Nor a thorn nor a threat stain her beauty bright.
-William Blake

Hindsight Hour: Friendship

An investigation of friendship. From growing apart to moving on, from church solicitations to pet remonstrations. Episode four explores reconnecting, compromise, and companionable conflict.


Directed by Tim Joyce
Improvised by Paul Chimko, Sarah Cowdery, Annie Donley, Kevin Knickerbocker, Mike Malarkey, Nick Mestad, Scott Nelson, Steve Nelson, Tyler Parker, Meaghan Strickland, and Ingrid Walla.

Winding Down

A couple months back we were notified our office would be closing and all positions consolidated to our sister office in Maryland. This week is the CSR departments last week and marks the one month countdown for my department.

Things are unraveling a bit, the staff hired to replace us is untrained and inexperienced, all of us are worn out and progressively indifferent. It's a very odd situation to be it, the end is close but still a ways away, and now through the end of our employment there will be some serious challenges.

When I described the situation to Jimmy he dubbed it senioritis and that is certainly apt. Myself and my remaining colleagues are all ready to move on, plagued by ennui, and finding it more and more difficult to work hard or care much about the work that we do.

I anticipate this next month will be draining but ultimately I view the situation as kind of liberating. A clean brake, some time off, a fresh start, at least right now this change feels enlivening. It feels full of potential, like other more interesting opportunities will present themselves. All I have to do is get through the next month.

Overslept

Oh no.
not again.
feeling like
the condemned.

gotta move.
rather sleep.
didn't hear
that feckless beep.

can't muster
an excuse,
I overslept
so whats the use.

'Results' A Review

Results is an independent dramedy about a a listless newly rich 40 something Danny(Kevin Corrigan) who attempts to turn things around by joining a gym and somewhat befriends personal trainers Kat(Cobie Smulders) then Trevor(Guy Pearce). What follows is one part awkward comedy, one part inspirational montage, and one part coming-of-middle-age drama.

All three lead performances are excellent. Corrigan, in one of his few lead performances, conveys an incredible amount with an understated pathetic silence. Allowing a fearless and clear look at his disheveled melancholic character while still maintaining his ever present likability. Smulders the focul point of Pearce and Corrigan's romantic interest has a somewhat more difficult job but is able to create a compelling, edgy almost-thirty-something who feels stuck. Pearce gives the most subtle interesting performance, a gym owner with his own specific brand of self-help philosphey that he absolutely believes in, while also being relatively lonely and emotionally reserved.

The film is punctuated by fun bizarre characters who flavor the three leads interactions and progress the leisurely plot, most notably by Anthony Michael Hall as intense nihilistic uber-trainer Grigory. Although visually relatively sedate there are odd yet pleasing moments of the various characters "visualizing" their goals or being visited by prescient visions. Its so understated it can easily be ignored but adds something special to an already intriguing film.

The only detractor is a somewhat typical and convenient ending as well as a somewhat unexplainable sense of unactualized promise. The performances soar, the narrative meanders.

A great character study, a decent story.

Rent It.

R&R

Today Nicole and I spent a much needed relaxing day together. We didn't do much, made breakfast, lounged on the porch, and putzed around the house. In the evening we went to dinner then did a double feature.

We both needed it, she was sick the past two days and I was fried from the week. Spending time together is always revitalizing but its nice to have a day where we have nothing to do, no where to be. No distractions, no diversions. I appreciate her so much, she keeps me grounded, chills me out, and lightens me up. And is always willing to gamble on a movie I want to see but don't know anything about.

We can read each other well, we can anticipate each others needs, and still maintain some independence. It works and I couldn't be happier. We've talked about how other couples operate and how we do, the differences and similarities, when it works and why. I think it boils down to figuring out how to make the relationship best suit the two individuals in it- having reasonable expectations, making compromises, finding a balance, and the big one- communication. As with many things simply talking about stuff, being open and up front, can facilitate substantial growth and contentment.

Doing The Work

The past couple weeks a lot of my time and mental space has been taken up with working on my new play My Two Sons which has its first preview July 3rd. After Contention I wanted to do something more overtly comedic, the idea has been rolling around in my head for a while, the basic premise started out as parents talking directly and specifically about taboo subjects(sex, drugs, drinking) with their kids.

Over the course of working on the show its turned into something different(better) than what I had originally conceived, more specific to the cast and our collective experiences. It has more heart and is more realistic than the simple formula I started with. The cast is great, everyone I wanted to get involved was game and is great which I could't be more thankful for, but orchestrating seven peoples schedules is relatively difficult. And the summer isn't the best time to work on a show what with vacations, weddings, and just general seasonal restlessness.

Even though the show has been progressing and coming together I've been obsessing a bit about it. Not in an overt way just worrying. Replaying scenes and what still needs to be done over and over in my head. The past week especially its occupied most of my down time to a point where I've found it difficult to relax or get to sleep. It's all unnecessary of course, wasted energy, and I think it has to do with control, or rather the illusion of control. I can't control other people and situations, I don't want to, the shows I like to do, the only theater I like to engage in is collaborative so its inherently going to be unpredictable, dependent upon the creative whims and varying schedules of others. For me, the process and the product are more satisfying that way, but I still struggle with a lingering desire to have things my way.

The creative process has gone pretty smooth but my own personal process has been more challenging. I'm trying to navigate my feelings with some grace, to seek out some acceptance, take time to slow down and be still, trust the amazing people I'm working with, and recognize that no matter what it'll work out.

'Inside Out' A Review

Inside Out is a computer animated family-fantasy-adventure about an 11 year old girl Riley and the five anthropomorphised emotions, Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger based in her cerebral control room, that help her navigate through life. An almost universally happy childhood is put in jeopardy when Riley's family picks up and moves across the country pitting Riley(and her emotions) against their biggest challenge to date.

Balanced perfectly between scenes of Riley's real life and her emotions travelling through the different parts of her mind the story has a fun, heartwarming, even suspenseful pace that builds to a satisfying and cathartic conclusion. All the voice over performances are excellent especially Phyllis Smith as Sadness who, from both an acting and narrative stand point, steals the show.

The journey the film goes on is both imaginative and illuminating. We are thrust into Riley's story at a crucial time, at the precipice of puberty, she has some hard but ultimately fulfilling lessons to learn. We are visually stimulated by the personifications of abstract neurological ideas like the subconscious and dreams but we also learn something about maturity, complexity, and that pain and sadness are sometimes necessary for growth.

Creative and emotional, compelling and entertaining. A return to form for Pixar.

See It.

Sunsets #7

 Chicago 4/10/15

Chicago 5/23/15

Denver 6/6/15

Graffiti 166

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself." -Mohsin Hamid

"Loyalty and devotion lead to bravery. Bravery leads to the spirit of self-sacrifice. The spirit of self-sacrifice creates trust in the power of love." -Morihei Ueshiba

Hawks Win!

Onto Clark Street spilled elation.
A woman, green streaked hair, shouts
"I don't care if you don't care! Hawks Win!"
A mass of bodies filled with abandon
clog the sidewalks, lead by none.
There is a threat in the celebration.
Men chant "Let's Go Sluts!"
Danger is ever-present,
violence a certainty.

Honks and screams trumpet
the inebriated triumph
of those Chicagoans
concerned with pucks
nets, goals, sticks,
Stanley and his Cup.

It seems hollow to those not caught by the fervor
but tonight we are isolated and out numbered.
It is best we go unnoticed or stay indoors.

Victory is thick and acrid.
A city crazed by conquest and the Cup.

An Offering of Sweat

Ascending the mountain the sun is hotter, brighter- burning,
the occasional shade from the fragrant pines offer a necessary relief.
The sheer stone cliffs remote yet magnanimous,
and those few brave flowers struggle up from the indifferent soil.

The peak, stolid and silent, accepts those worthy pilgrims with open arms.
Granting solace but no solution.

It is not hard to fathom bygone tribes worshiping its quiet grace-
honors, prayers, venerations to this colossal alter of stone.
In our fumbling pretentious way, we worship still,
offering reverence with our recreation.

The massive rock stands distant, inviting.
Unwavering, unchanging, and still.

Motorcycle Mission

Today I spent a good portion of the day getting back to Rockford to pick up my motorcycle. A bus to a train to another bus, quick sandwich in my childhood home, then on the bike back to Chicago beating the rain by seconds. All in all about a six hour trip.

Typically I kind of dread it because making the trip is a day killer. But that feeling vanishes whenever I actually get on the bike after months without it. Its like a clean shave or putting on a great pair of jeans. I feel sharper, more myself, more aware.

Riding back I tried to let my mind wonder, roll over some things that have been stressing me out, make plans. I wasn't able too. I forgot that when you're riding you are completely in the moment. The phrase "in the moment" is kind of a cliche but when you're riding you can't mull over the past or plan for the future. It's very practical and immediate. It's simple. You can't divert your attention from what you're doing, it's too dangerous. The clutch, the gas, the other travelers. They all require consideration. Not a ton but enough that it precludes any deep thinking. You are simply there.

It was a meditative therapeutic ride. Washed away the tensions of the week. By not ruminating on anything it put things in perspective, provided some balance. Reaffirmed my love for the two wheeled machine.

Graffiti 165

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." -Buddha

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -Henry David Thoreau

"Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress." -Melody Beattie

"Despite my firm convictions, I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds. I have always kept an open mind, a flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of the intelligent search for truth." -Malcolm X

'Jurassic World' A Review

Jurassic World is an action/adventure movie, a sequel to the 1993 original and a revitalization of the franchise. It has been 22 years since the original disaster that closed Jurassic Park before it opened. After an unspecified, but short, amount of time past another eccentric billionaire took up the project and Jurassic World has been open for years. Regular dinosaurs aren't enough in 2015 so the scientist have cooked up an extra scary, extra smart genetic spliced dinosaur as a new attraction. In an absurdly contrived incident the monster gets loose and wreaks havoc through the park.

The plot of the movie is a convoluted predictable jumble, blatantly cashing in on nostalgia and proven thrills to produce a barely cogent product. Although it has been 14 years since JP3 the years of incubation provided no freshness only a stale pale continuation of a faulty series that should have been a stand alone. Full of action with no suspense, CGI with no stakes, and a story with no heart Jurassic World is a watered down Marvelized version of Jurassic Park. It seems like a cookie-cutter superhero movie where dinosaurs were subbed in for people with powers.

All the characters in the movie are two-dimensional boarding on senseless. Typically charming and charismatic Chris Pratt flounders as Owen our would-be hero. Bryce Dallas Howard does her best in an utterly thankless borderline insulting role. Vincent D'Onofrio is completely unhinged as the movie's gasping, mewling, glowering heavy. And the two boys in the movie(our Lex and Tim substitutes) are insufferable. Stem to stern some incredibly nonsensical and uncompelling characters.

Thin, vapid, all sizzle no steak. A contender for worst movie of the year.

Don't See It.

Hindsight Hour: Relationships

An investigation of relationships. From sexual droughts to lakeside breakups, from carnal insecurity to amorous discontent. Episode three explores sensual compatibility, the act of separation, and romantic stagnation.

Directed by Tim Joyce
Improvised by  Mike Brunlieb, Sarah Cowdery, Annie Donley, Kevin Knickerbocker, Nick Mestad, Scott Nelson, Steve Nelson, Tyler Parker, Meaghan Strickland, and Ingrid Walla

A Fortuitous Meeting

And outside the window I saw two friends out for an evening stroll presumably after a pizza dinner at Spacca Napoli. And my heart jumped. Sitting on my couch, alone, in the gathering gloom my slight by budding melancholy vanished. And quickly I got ready and left catching up to my friends on my bike.

After hailing them I think they were somewhat surprised when I dismounted and asked to stroll with them a while. They were agreeable. We casually chatted about our weekends and job searching as the sun set and a warm wind blew in from the lake.

For a time we shared the balmy late spring evening. And even though it was a very small thing my heart smiled and the world seemed full and bright. After a short while we went our separate ways. My friends to their home and me to buy Stephen King's latest- Finders Keepers.

Mile-High City

Adam and I flew back yesterday after our stay with the Beanpole. It was a wonderful visit. The three of us hadn't been together since Adam's wedding summer of 2012 and we hadn't had any quality time together of note since the last time Adam and I went to Denver in 2010. It's been a long time, too long, and although each of us have had some significant life changes our connection hasn't changed.

We've been through a lot together, seen a lot together, stuck together over time. It's a solid bond and a friendship we can all rely on and lean on if we need to. When I'm with them I feel comfortable and accepted, supported no matter what. True friends hard to find, ones that stand the test of time even harder, I'm grateful for Adam and Beanpole who have been at my side literally and figuratively since high school, all those years ago.

Graffiti 164: Denver

Although there were some sanctioned murals and train tags there was an astounding lack of graffiti in Denver. This is the only thing I spotted during our visit.

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that." -George Carlin

"Why hurry over beautiful things? Why not linger and enjoy them?" -Clara Schumann

"I just think it's silly to be stingy with compliments. If you see someone and they strike you as beautiful in any way, why not let them know?" -Jill Scott

"You cannot run away from weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" -Robert Louis Stevenson

To The Old Man Who Budged At Voodoo Donuts

I curse you.
Upon the consumption
 of your Captain Crunch donut
 your bowels will seize up.
From then on all you'll be able to pass
 will be small unsatisfying
 rabbit pellets.
Every car you drive will break down
 the orange check engine light
 will haunt you whichever wheel you are behind.
All of your socks will have holes
 all your shoes will stink
 all your shirts will have pit stains.
Your business will wither
 employees and co-workers will see you
 as the infant you are and desert you.
Your wife will discover you a budger
 you will never sense anything amiss
 but forever she will nurse a quiet contempt.
Your children will realize the ideal of fairness
 you attempted to instill
 was but vacant posturing.
And at the moment of your death
 like a thunderclap
 you will know yourself a coward.

Donuts & Golden

This morning we went to Voodoo Donuts which recently opened up a store in Denver. Unbeknownst to us it was national donut day so the line was extra long, Took us about on hour to get the sweet treats. After we headed to Golden, walked around, and did some shopping.

 There were a lot of cast iron statues around.

Golden is the home of the Coors plant. Bizarrely enough Coors was signifcantly more expensive there according to Adam.

 This statue was right up the river from the plant. Strange.

There's been a lot of storms recently and the river was very high and rushing. Powerful.

Since we got here a series of thunderstorms have been rolling through. It'll be clear and sunny for a couple hours then a violent storm then clear again. It has put a bit of a damper on our outside activities but it has been nice to relax and have a relatively empty dance card.

Tonight we went to see Mad Max. We use to go to the movies a lot and its been years since we've been able to catch one the three of us. It's been great to spend some quality time with two of my best and oldest friends. To find our connection undeteriorated and, in fact, enriched by time and big life changes.

Mountain Walk

 My favorite part about going to Denver is how close the mountains and amazing hiking trails are. I've always felt an affinity to mountains. At home traveling through the forested hills and cliffs of stone.

 We hiked for three hours or so. It was serene, cool, and invigorating.

Denver Visit

Adam and I are out in Denver visiting Beanpole. They are my two oldest friends, we met in high school and have been close ever since. The last time we made the trip was back in 2010. A lot has happened in the past five years. Adam's gotten married and had a kid, I've gotten sober. We just found out Beanpole's wife Jen is pregnant so the timing was great to be able to spend some time with them before the baby comes. 

 Today we took it pretty easy, walked around downtown Denver and did some window shopping.

 Union Station downtown.

It's a train station and hotel with four bars.

 The city was very clean and beautiful with lots of public art.

The only odd thing was there was hardly any graffiti. No stickers, no tags, no nothing. I understand a city wanting to keep its streets clean but a city the size of Denver with as many artist as it has should be allowed to have a little more personality.

Old Friends

There is an ease
and a short hand
with my two oldest friends.
Years of inside jokes
drunken mistakes
and ill conceived romances.
They have seen me
through so much
from self destructive egoism
to incessant partying
and unflinching bossiness
to some semblance of adulthood
which I was the last to join.
We have seen many birthdays, moves,
weddings, one birth,
now a long sought after pregnancy.
Under our casual camaraderie
there is an ocean of
shared experience. And Time.
Miles we traveled together
and years we've spent entwined.
Now, reunited, I know these men are mine.

The Norns

I have a grandmother, a mother, and a sister.
As do we all.
One who spins, one who measures, and one who cuts.
Who weave the threads of fate.
Three arcane women behind the curtain.
They see far, hear much, and say little.
Some say they determine.
Others, they simply know.
Nonetheless they are always lurking.
The maiden, the matron, and the crone.