Happy Holidays

Off to Florida to spend the holiday with Nicole's parents, then dove tailing the trip into our belated honeymoon. Stay safe and celebrate well!

Home for the Holidays

There is nothing loud
no Hallmark sentiment
nor cinematic clash
that culminates in catharsis.

There is simple company
that sustains and comforts,
the easy sharing of
food, time, and conversation.

There is little excitement
but a deep contentment
celebrating long winter's night
and our own familial light.

Florida Xmas

Spending the holiday down in Florida with Nicole's family. It's the first time I've been out of the Midwest for Xmas. A bit of an adjustment but beautiful weather and nice to spend time with Nicole's parents and sister.

 Saw the sunrise the day after we got here and then went to watch the sunset over the water.

Went on a hike through an abandoned sugar plantation now a state park. The park was totally deserted, the landscape was quiet and stunning but it was pretty eerie.

Santa came on Christmas Eve which was very exciting although he was a little grumpy. We opened presents, relaxed, and watched movies today. We head back tomorrow. It's been a fun, and warm, holiday. Different certainly than my family and our traditions and actual winter but it was really good and about time Nicole and I start splitting our time a bit more equally with our families.

Xmas 2017

Had a wonderful if hectic holiday. Nicole came back with me which was really nice and although my mom is still recovering from a broken ankle and princess Maris required, justly and joyously, some significant attention we all pitched in and had a nice celebration.

 Santa even showed up at one point!

 I cooked a bit more than I usually do which was nice to be able to do because over the past year I've really broadened my repitore of the various meals I can prepare. Nothing earth shattering or anything but some good mostly healthy dishes.

Maris was, of course, the star of the weekend. It's been incredible to watch her progress since she was born but especially over the past six months or so. She's talking, she's walking, she has an insatiable curiosity, it's really inspiring and at times exhausting. Provides me with a new found respect for parents, how much energy and focus and time a child requires. Big rewards, certainly, but a big cost. It was especially cool because I had babysat her last week and she remembered me which was very cool.

A nice holiday but a lot going on for various reasons. I may take some extra time off next year to just be able to appreciate it more, so it doesn't feel like such a whirl-wind. Either way lovely time with my loving family.

Pumpkin's Past

Me and my girlfriend
carve the pumpkin
she squishes the guts
and I scrape the rind
we reminisce
about pumpkin's past
cutting jack-o-laterns
with our parents
on our respective
kitchen floors

Picking out seeds
for later snacks
we debate
their baking methods
influenced
by our own traditions
and quietly work
on our large gord
hoping the leering face
will stave off the ghosts
for another year

Better To Give

The saying "it is better to give than to receive" is so old and oft repeated it has almost lost its meaning. But with most platitudes and cliches there is truth in it. Because the reality is that with giving(whether it be emotional, chronological, or material) there is a reciprocation involved. Doing something for someone else(be it buying something, preparing a meal, what-have-you) gives you satisfaction, gives you purpose. There is an interchange there of feeling that simply receiving an object doesn't provide. Because when we are giving to others, being of service, it is enriching for us. It makes us feel good. It reminds us we are not all important, all knowing, or particularly unique. We all have needs. We are one of many. We are not alone.

This holiday was a bit more unusual than years past for me and my family. My dad got in a car accident on Tuesday(not his fault, someone blew a red light), which resulted in a cracked rib. He's recovering but, quiet reasonably, wasn't up to doing much over the holiday. My 5 month old niece is teething and subsequently my sister and brother-in-law have been run a bit ragged. All this taken together my mother and I were the ones that did a fair amount of the cooking, cleaning, and decorating for the holiday. With five people, a baby, and a dog that's not nothing.

Not to say I was put upon just that it was proportionally more work for me than in years past, work I was happy even grateful to do, it got me thinking and put some things in perspective. It made me realize how much my parents do around the holiday(and did in general when we were growing up), the kind of energy all the minutia takes. Now, as an adult myself and with my parents not old but aging, I realize its time perhaps for me to contribute a bit more substantially when it comes to the more basic stuff. And I'm not talking anything grandiose I'm talking making sandwiches and scrubbing sinks, that kind of thing. And doing those various things over the holidays made me feel good, made me feel like all those years my folks and sister were taking care of things I now have an opportunity to pay it back a little. Take care of my family, in small ways, as they've taken care of me for so long.

This is all to say it was a good holiday, perhaps more challenging than usual but good. I had the opportunity to step up in a substantial way, maybe for the first time, and I did. It's always great to spend time with family, double so if you can contribute to the well being of it, however slight. Because when you are of service, when you share of your time and energy, it almost always comes back. Today I offer help, tomorrow I'll probably need it.

Xmas 2015

This year Nicole came back to Rockford with me to celebrate Christmas. It was great to be together during the holiday, our first since we've been dating. There was also some exciting family news which made the weekend extra special and celebratory.

In years past my extended family would get together for pizza fondue(a long standing tradition) on Christmas Eve and then do our own thing on Christmas Day. In recent years this has kind of changed due to kids, marriages, and scheduling. This Eve our evening was relatively intimate with Mom and Dad, Marta and Nick, Nicole and myself, and our cousin Adam. We had a nice low key celebration. I made the pizza fondue and although it was a bit too cheesy it was still a nice meal. We exchanged presents and every seemed happy.

Today my aunts, cousins, and grandma came over and we had a casual dinner and just hung around and chatted. Nothing spectacular but as time goes on it becomes more clear the important thing is simply spending time together, catching up and enjoying each others company. There's a history with family, something unshakable and solid, a love that transcends time and distance.

All in all a great holiday with a wonderful family.

Tis The Season

Every city has a pulse. And Chicago's, normally a steady thrumming pump, has quickened with the advent of advent. The weather too, the unseasonable chill never dipping into freeze, has kept things lively. Contented citizens and gawking tourists visiting movie houses, admiring store windows, and that inevitable seasonal past time- shopping.

The streets alive with bodies, like blood vessels coursing through concrete gridded veins. Such opened faced wonder and naked joy on display. What startling humanity. What hope. I don't have the heart to urge caution on these exultants.  O' me, O' life. To glimpse what we could be.

Coke Zero

A thick
and inky
fizzy black,
friend to
alcoholics
in recovery-
refreshment
security
and companion.

O'
stalwart fellow
during this
parade
of holiday
obligations
your fidelity
will be
my assurance.

IAWL

Last night was the annual It's A Wonderful Life party/screening organized by the Scotts. A great night with tons of friends and family in one room, sharing one experience. I enjoy the holidays but haven't felt really swept up in the spirit of the season since I was a kid.

Tonight however I really felt a profound wave of joy and gratitude. Before the movie started a singing group and Santa lead the crowd in carols, something I typically wouldn't be that into, but for whatever reason I joined in and sang my heart out. Sitting next to my loving girlfriend being entertained and enlivened.

A lovely evening and event to share with a theater full of friends and open-hearted strangers.

A Picture of a 4th Of July Barbaque

And there a table with chips, dips, and mayonnaise based salads.
And there, another table, with eight inch paper plates, red forks and blue knives.
In the corner the requisite grill, with assorted sausages and ground meat patties sizzling.
In the adjacent corner a keg containing what I assume is cheap beer.
I assume because I do not partake.
No beer of any kind has crossed the threshold of my lips for almost three years.
Outside the yard, on the perimeter, there is a generously stocked bar.
I marvel that party goers do not flock to it and take more liberal advantage.
My thirst, when I indulged, was never so sedate.
All around are men with hats.
All around are women with bright and airy dresses.
Everywhere are smiles and heads thrown back with laughter drinking in the heat.
On a patch of bare concrete people hit a plastic ball with a stunted plastic bat.
And whoop and run the makeshift backpack bases.
Further out a volleyball is bumped and set and bumped again.
And even further on a gravel strewn empty lot where folks play a sweaty game of Ultimate.
The party proper is in shade,
with dappled sunlight gently bouncing off round cheeks and bared arms.
And more people arrive through the narrow pathway boarding the house.
And more people trickle out, wandering contentedly down the quiet alley.
And for a day and a night there is only this.
A fleeting eternity.
This warm bright camaraderie.

VDay

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I think holidays, especially Vday, can lead to disappointment if you get caught up in all the external and internal expectations. I think the key is to spend time with people you love, try to do a little something special for one or more of those people, and then treat yourself to something.

Nicole and I went out to brunch with Marta and Nick at Big Jones, this delicious southern place, Marta's pick. It was great to spend a little extra time with my sis and her husband before they jetted off back to Madison.

Afterwards Nicole went to work and I went to the movies with Phil. Before it started he told me he was moving to NYC. It was kind of a blow. Phil and I only recently became friends, only collaborated on one project, it feels premature.

On the bus back home we passed the Landmark and I hopped out and watched the Oscar nominated live action shorts. Way better than last year. The best was Aya.

I got back home with enough time to have dinner ready for Nicole. We exchanged gifts(I got her a pair of earrings and some chocolates, she got me a Herzog box set and a free haircut) then we ate and watched The Wire. All in all a truly wonderful day.

Xmas 2014

It was a pretty low key Christmas in the Nelson house hold this year. Last year we hosted three of my college-age cousins and Tisher, this year it was just the nuclear family and the extended family didn't get together. We did have an early dinner with my Aunt Anne, grandma, and cousin Alyssa which was great but the whole clan wasn't in attendance. It was nice and relaxing. No rushing around, little stress, and almost no last minute wrapping.

At this point in my life I can, or try to, savor the holidays and the time spent with family. Everyone's lives are so busy and have so much going on it's good to slow down and appreciate each others company, to lounge around, chat, catch up, and watch movies. I woke up with a bit of a cold yesterday and have been trying to shake off the corresponding grumpiness. I realize I'm getting older because I can't just power through being sick the way I use to.

The past couple years I've had a bit more money in my pocket and more time on my hands so I've tried to be more generous and more deliberate in my gift giving. It's nice to splurge once a year on your loved ones, to try to let them know how much they mean to you by the thoughtfulness of a gift or two. I think this year was relatively successful and my families reactions to certain gifts always gives me ideas for others.

As the years go by it gets harder and harder to make a list or to give my family suggestions of what to get me. I have everything I want, my life as it is feels relatively complete, for the most part I am happy. I love my family deeply, we've been through a lot, small swells to raging storms, and come through intact. And on Christmas we come together and connect, despite small irritants, despite my stupid headcold- blood calls to blood.

The Tree

Nicole put the tree up a day or two after Thanksgiving. It seemed a bit overzealous to me because my family has always been very last-minute regarding every aspect of Christmas. But, as always, the tree always brightens up the house, brings on the giving spirit. We've each wrapped a couple gifts and they just look right under the tree.

The past couple months Nicole and I have been making our apartment home. It's been a gradual process, figuring out where everything goes, procuring different odds and ends, simply putting the live time in. Making it comfortable and ours.

The tree, the presents, and our first co-habitational Christmas made me realized how settled we've become in our apartment. How comfortable and easy and fulfilling it is. It may be the coming holiday but right now I'm sitting in a lot of gratitude for my beautiful and loving girlfriend and my life at large.

Giving Thanks

I'm back in Rockford with my family celebrating the holiday. Today my folks and I had my aunt, uncle, grandma, and my little cousins over. It was relatively low key and uneventful but comfortable. The kind of comfort that only comes with years and through blood. My extended family is large and the Nelson clan has all stayed in relatively close proximity and contact. We see each other most every holiday and there is a great satisfaction in that closeness.

I talked poetry and death with my grandma and played some card games with my little cousins. My dad and uncle watched football and we all ate too much pie. Tomorrow we'll get together with the whole family over at my Aunt Anne's. Nothing terribly exciting but when we all get together it is very intimate and supportive.

I'm thankful for my loving family, their care and consideration.

For my incredible girlfriend Nicole and her love.

For inspiration, stage time, and audiences both receptive and apathetic.

For friends new and old, faraway and close to home.

And today, most of all, for Dave's miraculous recovery.

The Gods continue to smile upon their soldiers of mirth.

Couples Costume

Last week Nicole and I got in a little dust up about Halloween. She's a big fan of dressing up and I am not. I told her I was willing to dress up, knowing it was important to her, then never followed up. Over the past couple weeks she has suggested a number of different couples costumes all of which I lightly dismissed. Last Friday we were talking about Halloween and I, having simmered for a while, burst out "You know, I don't want to do this. Dressing up isn't my thing." She got upset, I got upset.

After talking to Jimmy about compromises, about what they look like, about the difference between passively acquiescing and engaging with enthusiasm, I apologized. When people talk about relationships compromise is a watchword. For a while I thought it was about alternating. You pick the movie, I pick the movie. We go to meet your friends, we go to meet my friends. But what I discovered is that it's about doing something you don't want to do, not only that but doing it without any reticence or foot-dragging or negativity. Doing something you don't want to do with such enthusiasm you actually enjoy it. That something you didn't want to do turns into something you're glad you did.

Nicole made a Wayne's World hat before we went out. I was Wayne, she was Stacey. We both had fun.

Independence Day

When I was a kid my family would always go up to our cabin in northern Wisconsin for the fourth. We would fish, grill out, light off our own fireworks, and go to one of the surrounding small towns for a bigger display. As I grew up we couldn't really find the time anymore. During and after college I just used the holiday as an excuse to party, of course I don't remember any of those being particularly memorable or fun.

This year Nicole and I spent most of the afternoon at Meaghan's BBQ. Lots or great people, beautiful weather, and good conversations. It's really nice to be at a gathering with lots of friends and acquaintances and to move from conversation to conversation without pressure or direction. Just letting the moment be and relaxing in it. There was an ease about the get together that I appreciated and enjoyed. We ended up the night on Ryan's roof, there were sparklers.

From the roof you could see all around the city. There were fireworks going up all around us. I don't have much patriotism in me but I felt a tangible sense of community not only with my group of friends but with Chicago at large.

Meatmorial Day

Rourke hosted his annual Memorial day cook out dubbed, as are many, Meatmorial. I went to it last year and it was a lot of the same people one guy, a college friend, I hadn't seen since the same event last year. Pat bought a bunch of meat, people brought a bunch of meat, and the grill was going full tilt the whole time.

It was a beautiful day and a great crowd of people. There's something very comforting being in a crowd of 40 people or so and knowing most of them one way or another. People, for the most part, with a common passion.

The sun, the food, and the company made it a truly wonderful laid back holiday.

For a long time I never felt a part of. I was uncomfortable at parties and in crowds. I preferred solitude and limited social interactions. Over the past two years I've become more comfortable and open. Gotten to know more people. And the result is an ease when navigating big get togethers and a desire for them. I discovered a real joy being around large groups of friends, feeding off the energy, and soaking in people just being around each other.

This aversion of course was related to my drinking, a symptom, and now somewhat free from it I can be in a crowd and not only resist the urge to drink but have no craving to. At one point Steph's boyfriend and I were chatting. I was smoking and he brought over a bottle of champagne. He offered me some and I told him I didn't drink, told him I was recovering. He responded "That must be really hard. At a thing like this especially." After he said that I thought about it, investigated my feelings, and found to my surprise I had no desire to drink, none at all. I was truly comfortable and happy. I sighed at what a gift it was. And finished my cigarette.

Some addictions are better than others.

What It Means

Love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry.

It means saying sorry when you should.
It means saying sorry when you don't want to.
It means doing things, small and large.
It means listening and compromise.
It means support and partnership and honesty.

Love is not implicit but explicit.
It must be expressed.
It is defined by action and communication.
Not by silence, assumption, and inference.

Cards and chocolates, flowers and special dinners.
These are ways to say I love you.
To show I love you.
But love is also shown in a hug.
A snuggle.
A kind word.
An attentive ear.
On every day, not just this day.

Love is doing. Not-doing is not love.

A Different Kind Of Christmas

My family does all its activities Christmas Eve. We open presents between the four of us and then my extended family on my father's side get together and have pizza fondue for dinner.

For a long time the extended family would get each other gifts. The uncles and aunts would get the kids gifts until they were through college and the adults would draw names to get each other a gift. We gave up the gift exchange last year and at this point I only have two little cousins that get gifts.

This year was quite different. Marta and Nick just got engaged so there was a lot of excitement about that. My college-age cousins on my mom's side Iona, James, and John, in town from LA, spent the holiday with us. My mom's family is spread all over the country and some across the world so it was a great treat to have them with us.

In a surprise twist Tisher came and spent Christmas with us as well. Groupon is being progressively stingy with PTO so he couldn't make the trip back to Napa to be with his family. It was great and odd to have him there, like worlds colliding and I think he enjoyed himself but there is still something melancholy about spending the holiday with a family not your own.

All told that's nine people when our norm is four. The holiday was more crowded, a bit more stressful, and not as relaxing as it usually is. More often than not I spend the holiday lounging around and reading. This time there was a lot more running around, a lot more errands, a lot more logistics, and more entertaining to be done. Which was a nice change- fuller and more action packed. In the past I may have been put off by all the changes to our routines, but I was happy to mix things up and to be there for my family and friend to, together, have a great holiday.

I got my dad Undefeated on DVD. We watched it today before I came back to Chicago. We watched and cried, it was a wonderful Christmas.