The Move

Yesterday and today I moved. I've lived in this studio for two years and I've got a lot of fond memories of it. I'd never lived alone before, never had a space(however small) that was solely mine. It was very weird packing up all my stuff, all my possessions, and realizing it all isn't that much. 

The move itself was quite a trial. My apartment is on Wilson which, due to the Pride Parade, was one of the only main east/west thoroughfares open. Lots of foot, bike, and car traffic not to mention lots of people moving. It was also very hot. I did about half of the move alone, I didn't ask for help because I think I wanted one last act of solitude before Nicole and I moved in or I was just being stubborn. Whatever the motivation it was a terrible idea. Thankfully Nicole helped a bit in the morning and Vince provided some clutch help with my last load of heavy stuff.

I'm excited to move in with Nicole, live with someone again, have more space, and cultivate a home together. But I will miss my studio, it looks so small without any stuff in it. It was a great place. I moved in around the time of a big change and it was great to have my own limited space when I made a big lifestyle adjustment.

Thank you studio apartment, you were everything I wanted you to be.

'The Rover' A Review

The Rover is a dystopian western set in the Australia outback. The film opens with a title card "Ten years after the collapse." Either military, economic, societal or some combination the collapse is never explained. The first scene we see Eric(Guy Pearce) sleeping in his car. He awakens and drives to a bar and gets some water. His car is stolen by three criminals who have just come from a shoot out. Eric pursues and on his way captures one of the criminals brothers who was wounded and left behind, Rey played by Robert Pattinson. An odd relationship develops as the two men travel through the blasted lawless landscape in pursuit of a car with unknown significance.

Visually the film is bleak and beautiful, the score haunting, the story streamlined and sparse with much left to interpretation. Across the board the performances are rich with depth and subtext, the dialogue complex in it's layered ambiguity. Pearce stands at the center, quiet and determined, unflinching and seemingly morally vacant. He is a man created by the world that has moved on where whim or honor or revenge govern action not a voided societal contract. Pattinson gives his best performance to date as a gross, fumbling, almost oafish wannabe gangster. It's unclear for most of the film if there is something wrong with him or if he's just dumb. Pearce and Pattinson develop a precarious bond on their journey with Pattinson doing most of the talking. He creates a character we shouldn't like with naked neediness and an inability to comprehend motivation or consequence but some how we do like him. The supporting cast brings the foreign and frightening landscape into stark focus.

The ending is somewhat problematic with Pattinson, in the climatic scene, crossing the line from character to caricature. He stutters, he spits, he chews the scenery and much of the authenticity created in the previous hour is lost. The reveal, the motivation of Pearce, is also somewhat mystifying however the film never promises or implies there will be any kind of resolution. The Rover isn't the type of film that has a satisfying ending, it's a brief glimpse into a desolate future.

Violent, poetic, and arresting. The Rover shows us a world where morality has lost its meaning.

See It.

30

Yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, I turned 30. The first thing I did when I got up was go to the DMV. A real thrill ride. After that Nicole and I spent the day together, went out to eat, to the movies, sat on her porch for a while and I managed to do a little packing. We finished off the night at Holy Fuck and I can say all in all it was an excellent, low-key, birthday. Just what I wanted.

Thirty seems like a bit of a milestone. Looking back it seems amazing I managed to get this far.

0-10. I don't remember much. My sister babysat me a lot and we watched Adventures In Babysitting, Back To The Beach, Neverending Story and various Disney movies. I went to camps in the summer and I liked being outside and fires and tye-dying and singing. I liked doing skits on parents night the best. I had a yellow banana bike. It was an adventure to ride with my dad from our house to the Baskin-Robins. I cried a lot and was extremely ticklish. I was terrified of the dark and being smothered. I got in trouble at after school care for telling Skylar Croft his dick was as big as the Sears Tower. I was in my first play, Councilman #3 in the Pied Piper. My dad lost his campaign for State Senate and Elliot Farr made fun of me the next day.

10-20. I got taller and fatter. After being borderline illiterate I discovered the Chronicles of Narnia and threw myself into reading, one of my greatest pleasures to this day. I played church basketball and AYSO soccer, I was mediocre at both sports. Middle school was a blur, I got bullied and picked on and wore Jynco's and pitted out my shirts all the time. I had my first kiss at Magic Waters Water Park. I did a lot of plays at my high school and at the local New American Theater. I learned to dance at school dances and from my high school girlfriend who was a dancer. I hit my biggest at 17 at 275lbs. My weight has been a struggle most of my conscious life. I didn't get into any of the college theater programs I wanted to, I didn't know how to audition, I'd show up in a t-shirt and jeans and do my clunky monologue from The Seagull. I ended up at Illinois State University with a good amount of my high school friends. I started drinking and doing drugs, dropped some weight, and became a bit of a loner or more aptly put an isolator.

20-30. I didn't have a great college experience, I made a couple close friends but generally didn't feel included, the college life I discovered wasn't inclusive and fun, it was lonely, harsh, and mystifying. I had a bunch of small parts in plays, I felt like the theater department never gave me a shot and I resented a lot of professors and fellow students. I had a big chip on my shoulder. My favorite role was Eddie in Rocky Horror Picture Show which I did my senior year. I went through a lot of phases. I didn't wear shoes for a while, I wore eyeliner, I wore black every day, that kind of stuff. My alcoholism gained some traction and force once I got out of the dorms. After college I moved to Chicago and struggled, went on many failed auditions, started taking improv classes, moved back in with my folks for a while, then moved back to Chicago. I fell in love with sketch and improv comedy, I gained a lot of friends and discovered a like-minded community which I had never had before. My addiction became uglier, more destructive, and desperate. I strained a lot of friendship and broke a lot of relationships. I came to a turning point and finally got some help.

At 30 I have the love a wonderful family and an amazing girlfriend. I have some incredible friends and a vibrant creative life. There are a lot of changes going on. I don't know exactly where I'm headed or how I'm going to get there, but I have a full and, for the most part, happy life. I feel like I've been given a second chance and a new way to look at and navigate things that use to overwhelm me. As a thirty year old man with graying temples and a graying beard I couldn't be more grateful for the twists and turns of the path, thirty years long, that brought me to this moment.

Graffiti 132

stop praying...God's too busy

I've been encountering this idea of a distant and neglectful God a lot recently. Craig just gave me the comic book series Preacher, which I loved, and I've been an avid fan of the Sandman Slim series since Matt gave me the first book two years back.

I don't believe in a Christian God. My concept of a higher power is much more personal. I get the inevitable backlash against some omnipotent and omniscient male figure pulling strings for millennia especially since the idea has been made impersonal through franchising. What I never understood was the idea of needing a  priest or pastor as a conduit of contact for that universal presence. Why does this person have a closer relationship to God, whatever the conception, than I do? The way I see it they don't. Pastors or priests may be better suited to listen, be supportive, guide, and provide advise but they don't have the ear of the divine anymore than anyone else.

I think the important thing is to, spiritually speaking, cut your own path. Free from dogma, obligation, and tired ceremony. Engage in something personal and fruitful. Either with an established religion or some form of original worship. Faith is freeing, simple loyalty can be static

"God and Nature first made us what we are, and then out of our own created genius we make ourselves what we want to be. Follow always that great law. Let the sky and God be our limit and Eternity our measurement." -Marcus Garvey

A Time To Talk

When a friend calls to me from the road 
And slows his horse to a meaning walk, 
I don't stand still and look around 
On all the hills I haven't hoed, 
And shout from where I am, 'What is it?' 
No, not as there is a time to talk. 
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground, 
Blade-end up and five feet tall, 
And plod: I go up to the stone wall 
For a friendly visit.

-Robert Frost

Big Dome

With World Cup fever running rampant, I'm reminded of my high school soccer days. I originally wanted to play football because all I really wanted out of sports was violent contact. I went out for football my freshman year having never played before and not knowing anyone on the team. About half way through the all day practice they gave us equipment. I got pads but they couldn't find a helmet that fit me, my head was too big. The other guys called me Big Dome the rest of the day. I didn't go back.

After the football failure I went out for soccer. I knew the sport and some of my friends were on the team. I was a fat kid, didn't have much endurance but I had a good foot, a good sprint, and I was very aggressive. I was on JV all four years but I played up a couple times if they needed someone to come on and bust some heads.

I brought my thirst for contact into soccer which isn't a contact sport. I would slide tackle and check opponents with little regard for who had the ball or where it was. I vividly remember one time a guy had a break away and I sprinted towards our goal to catch him outdistancing my teammates. I knew I didn't have the finesse to steal the ball so I just flattened the guy. My dad said later "he was suckin' sod." Another time one of the other players was hassling one of my teammates, my buddy Aaron, he pushed him down, checked him, or was talking trash or something. I just saw red, charged across the field and tackled the guy after the the ref had blown the whistle. While I was pushing the guys head into the grass I said "You got a fucking problem meet me after the game." That was my first ejection. I waited for him in the parking lot but he didn't show.

My junior and senior year I held the NIC-9(our division) record for most penalty cards in a season. I may still. The school I went to didn't have great sports teams. Not only would we frequently get trounced on the score boards, the other teams talked a lot of trash. I figured if the other guys were going to win I'd make them earn it. Not through athleticism but through blunt force trauma. I got a yellow card in almost every game and a couple reds.

I don't watch sports and I don't miss soccer. But all the World Cup talk brings back the memories of a couple incredibly satisfying hits.

Goodbye Caitlin

Caitlin and I met freshman year of college. We were both theater majors and became fast friends. Caitlin lived with Chloe for two years and we all hung out constantly. They hosted a bunch of parties, we went on adventures(once to an abandoned Asylum), got our Tarot cards read, had a seance for H.H. Holmes, went to Red Lobster(once), and a bunch of other stupid college stuff that I look back on with a lot of joy.

After college we both moved to Chicago and Caitlin took me to my first improv show at iO. She was taking iO classes for a bit and then went to Japan to teach English for a year. Because of her interest in it and her recommendation I took classes at iO. That decision resurrected my floundering social and creative life. I have her to credit for finding some personal and professional direction.

Since then we've both been doing improv and sketch around town, I've seen her perform a lot, she's wonderful. Over the last couple years we haven't hung out a ton but would always come together and reconnect in the green room at iO, over a quick cup of coffee, or a walk. We've been friends for 12 years at this point and all that history makes for a close bond regardless of how much we talk.

Last year we finally got on a team together and it was a real dream come true to play with her on The Hague. Our shows weren't always great but it was a pleasure to finally get to share the stage with Caitlin, my college friend who inspired me to get started with comedy.

Our friend Jessy's birthday get together senior year of college.

Caitlin is off to LA to work on The Katydids pilot for TV Land. I am so proud and happy for her. Not only could this great opportunity not be given to a more positive and funny person but it gives hope to the Chicago comedy community at large. Hard work and dedication pay off, talent is recognized, the dream is possible.

Love you Caitlin.