Grandpa Irv

I was raised Lutheran but never felt any affinity towards religion and never believed in a Christian God. I never prayed. I never talked to someone when they weren't there or asked for help.

Today things came to a head. I felt a storm inside me churning with anxiety. I couldn't take it, I felt helpless and alone. For the first time I dropped to my knees and I asked for help. I asked my Grandfather who got sober late in his life and turned it around. I've always felt a special connection with him even though he died when I was very young. And the strangest thing happened.

I felt all my nerves light up with this soothing energy that ran through my entire body. All the bad thoughts and feelings were taken away and were replaced with this wondrous clarity and calm. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. A lot of things seemed to click into place. I was finally ready.

Escape

Have you ever stood across from a park and been not allowed to walk through it?
Have you ever looked at the lake and been not allowed to jump in?
Have you ever stood in the sun simply to enjoy its rays, savoring every precious moment because you knew the clock was ticking?
Do you remember VHS tapes? When was the last time you watched one of them?
When was the last time you drank OJ out of a single serving cup with a foil lid?
Ever had to do laundry every day?
If you totaled up the time you used your cell phone everyday would it be longer than 20 minutes?
Have you ever looked forward all day to simply walk outside?
Have you ever stood at the edge of the lake, put out your arms, felt the wind under them, and wished you would be lifted away?

Birds don't fly by flapping their wings. They fly by riding the currents of the air.

Trapped

There are different kinds of prisons. A physical prison is the most obvious. Being confined. Another is a prison of circumstance. A situation you are in that you cannot get yourself out of. Another, the prison of the mind. You are in a mental state that traps you, restricts you, dictates your actions.

Being confined physically is bad. Having your physical freedom, your mobility taken away from you. Someone tells you where you can and cannot walk, where you can and cannot sit, when and under what circumstances you can go outside.

Being a confined by your circumstances is also bad but more so guilt ridden and shaming. Most of the time had you done this or not done that you would not be in the situation you're in.

Being confined by your own mind is the worst. Your own body, your own thoughts are guiding you into a prison of your own making. You see yourself walking into this prison, locking the door, throwing away the key.

But you can do nothing to stop it.

A Parable About Pain

Long ago there was a plains village.
A number of huts clustered around a central cooking fire.
In one of the huts there laid a boy with a demon inside him.
Most of the time the boy laid there still and was cared for by the village.
Sometimes he thrashed about.
Sometimes he would get up during the night and cause trouble.
He would light huts on fire.
Or release tethered horses.
Or spoil food.
Or trample crops.
Or start fights with other boys.
And still the village took care of the boy.
They knew it was not the boy but the demon that did these things.
Time passed.
The boy became a young man. He became stronger.
The nights he would get up from his cot and cause trouble increased in number.
Still the village cared for the young man but fear and tension grew.
One night when the boy was sleeping the village held in a meeting.
There were discussing whether or not to send the young man out of the village.
The night was dark and the moon was full and red.
The fire light danced along the faces of the villagers. Worry and sadness in each one.
Out of the darkness walked an old man, bent, walking with a stick.
The old man smiled with much joy. "You have a demon in your village."
"Yes, there has been a demon in our village for a long time." the villagers replied. "We do not know what to do."
"You are in luck" the old man replied still smiling radiating joy and peace.
He hobbled into the young mans hut.
The next morning the young man walked out of the hut clear eyed for the first time since he was a boy.
The demon was gone.
Time passed.
The young man was a great asset to the village.
He had a green thumb.
He was a great rider and hunter.
He was kind.
But something lingered.
There was something the villagers could not quite banish.
They feared the demon might return.

Friendship Is Rare

I would guess that most people have a lot of friends. Most people have a good number of people they hang out with and shoot the shit with. But friendship, real friendship is rare. A person that will drop everything and come to help you or keep you company are rare. I've been blessed with many beautiful friends that care about me. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it. But you never know. You never know how bonds are forged. You never know what small thing you did that endears someone to you. Sometimes it's how long you've been friends, sometimes it's shared interest, sometimes it's something intangible: a magnetic connection. This past week has been one of the hardest of my life and when I reached out a lot of people were there. Good friends, dear friends, friends who care and only have love in their hearts. I'm grateful for them all. Eternally grateful.

Thank you to all my friends. Thank you Jen, James, Nick, and HP most of all. Thank you Tisher, Beanpole, Julia, and Molly.

When things get hard reach out. You'll be surprised how many hands there are to grasp.

Storms 2

When there's a storm inside
It's hard to sit still, it's hard to simply be
Waiting itself is hard. Storms don't wait
They crash and crack. And do what they will
People are not storms.
We must be comfortable in our own skins
Sometimes we'll have to wait
Patiently waiting for what the world has in store for us

I am not patient, I think I am a storm

Storm's quickly blow themselves out.

Fog 2

I stood alone and fearful.
I was too scared to step forward or back.
So I stood. Still.
As the fog gathered around my feet.
My knees.
My waist.
Then my chest.
And still I did not move.
Fear had enveloped me before the fog.
Soon the white vapor swirled around me entire.
And I was blind.

A Little Sunshine

It's been a rough week. Actually a rough couple weeks. Julia and Molly sent me this to cheer me up. They're in Maine currently with Improv Arcadia. Julia will be there for 5 weeks. I didn't think I'd miss her this much already.

Steve's Guide To Relationships Part 2

1. Sometimes it's not the right time. And that's ok.

2. A break is not a break-up.

3. Always keep lines of communication.

4. Fill your days. Have fun, enjoy a small indulgence, be productive, see friends, get outside.

5. Anger and sadness are natural emotions. It's what you do with them that matter.

6. You can only control one person, yourself. Keep that in mind.

7. There is always hope. Always hope.

Dancing

Beanpole, Adam and I have been friends for over ten years. We learned to dance because at Auburn High school you had to know how to dance. A lot of times its hard for white guys. We instinctual don't know how. But you can learn.

My high school girlfriend was a dancer and she taught me, as well as a bunch of open minded classmates. We went to a diverse high school. Because of that people are always impressed with our dancing skills.

Adam's Wedding

 My best friend from high school, Adam, got married today. We met in geometry class at age 15 and have been friends ever since. I was lucky enough to have Punam by my side. Above is a picture of us at the reception.

 Ethan and Eli. I was there for the birth of Eli in the fall of 2010. I was with Kristen and Adam in the hospital room. There were almost so cute that they stole the show.

I wanted to give a speech after the best man and maid of honor. It was slightly unstructured so I didn't know when I could jump in. What I wanted to say was Adam is my closest and longest friend. I would do anything for him. Shortly after Kristen and him started dating we went up to my family's cabin to celebrate my birthday. We were around the fire making s'mores and he left to go up to the house. Forty five minutes later I went up to the house to discover him on the phone with Kristen. Three months in I knew it was serious and she was important. We didn't get to talk a whole lot at the wedding but Adam is my #1 guy and will always be.

 Beanpole and I can dance. We can dance real good. That's not talk that's truth. He is my other best friend. Me, Beanpole, and Adam have been a trip tech for a long time. We complete each other, we never make each other mad, we never offend each other. We're parts of a whole.

Adam and Beanpole always came over to my house to hang out. Kind of in high school but a lot more in college and post college. I love my folks, they were always there and steadfast and reasonable. Whenever I was in town I would always see Adam, most of the time he would come over and we'd watch a movie. My dad is a lawyer and he's helped Beanpole, Adam and me(many more times) out of more trouble than I care to recount. My mom has made a ton of delicious food for us. She is always quietly there getting my back and by conjunction Adam and Beanpole as well.

The service was nice. The food was ok. The reception was great. Beanpole and I can really dance.

No irony.

'The Dark Knight Rises' A Review

If you loved 'The Dark Knight' and thought it was a perfect movie you will not like 'The Dark Knight Rises'. It however is a great contiunation and conclusion of the trilogy. Christian Bale actually gets to do something with the plot focused where it should be. On Batman. He and all the returning characters do a great turn. It's not a great movie. It's a good movie with flashes of absolute brillance. One is an extended scene in a prison.

See It.

'Goon' A Recommendation

I tried to see 'Goon' while it was in theaters but missed the opportunity because it was only here briefly. It came out on Redbox and Netflix recently. I highly recommend it. It's a hard hitting sports movie with a solid heart. Seann Willam Scott does a great turn as a dumb blood-thirsty fighter with an amazing heart. It's inspiring. It's a classic underdog film for my generation. Everyone watch this movie. There's a little love, a little sports, a little fighting and a whole lot of heart. The whole movie is a build up to our hero facing off against the current tough guy. This is my favorite clip. Two men with strength...

Despair and Hope

Deep down, inside your heart,

 there is a hole, that sucks things in.

Good feelings and day dreams,

 happiness and understanding.

Plug it up with whatever you can,

 food or booze or smoke.
That is only temporary,
 love and friends and passion,
fill you up, make you whole.
In times of solitude,
in times of fatigue,
reach out and ask for help.
Help will come,
you'll gain strength from others,
strength which you can give back,
reciprocating strength makes you stronger.
Trust feeds itself.
The sun will rise,
you and I will wake,
filled with hope.

And Stretch.

Down But Not Out

I'm no longer working. I've been unhappy at work for a long time but I felt like I was sticking it out through all the drastic changes they were making. Evidently not well enough. When I first started working there I loved it. I was with friends, it was low pressure, it was fun, which resulted in what I think was high productivity as well as high moral. Since then everything has been down hill and devolved into something gross and grimace worthy.

I'm between jobs and the uncertainty is stressful. But it does afford an opportunity which I may not other wise have had. I can go to meetings and work out every day. I want to get healthy and stay sober. Right now it feels like that's the most important thing, not getting a job, but putting myself in a position to being the best me I can be. I've been overwhelmed for a long time. I'd like a week or two to sleep in, get my mind and body right.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes a while for us discover why.

Tags

Last night Dr. Jesus had a show. A team Craig put together last summer of some random people just to have some fun. Last night it was Blythe, Jamison, James, Craig, and me. We did a 'Beer, Shark, Mice' which is a form where we only do tag outs. No sweep edits. No resets. Always a continuation of the scene that's going on. That's how you progress the piece. You tag out one of the characters in the scene that is going on and start a scene with the same character that is left untagged.

It was the first Dr. Jesus show that I would say was great. The previous 5 have been good but not great. There was always something missing. Last night clicked about 4 minutes in. We all were on the same wavelength, we established a pace, we found a groove.

Tagging creates a sense of immediacy, a sense of participation, id momentum. Too much tagging can make for a bad show, or unrealized tag runs can make for lulls and dying energy.  Going into a show knowing that everyone is going to tag or using tags surgically can make for a great show.

It punches the energy, it jolts inspiration, and it gives you teeth.

'The Amazing Spider-Man' A Review

'The Amazing Spider-Man' had more edge, better casting, and a villain that out did the first trilogy. But at the end of the day the first half of the film was too similar to the 2002 Spider-Man. There was no variety. There was very little variance. It feels too soon to reboot a franchise which actually hasn't faded from the publics mind. The movie was entertaining but could have been relatively good if it had been made three years from now. I doubt there is any interest in a sequel. If there is it will be the first movie franchise Ouroboros.

There was nothing new or exciting about this movie. I was entertained but nothing more.

Rent It.

Top 5 Lists For July

Movies of 2012(so far):
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Bernie
Chronicle
Goon
Moonrise Kingdom

Coming of Age Films:
Finding Forrester
Flirting
Ghost World
Rocket Science
The Karate Kid(original) 

iO Teams:
ButchMAX
GoldStar
pants dot com
Sports Team
The Late 90's

Reasons To Bike:
Exercise
Freedom
Mobility
Traffic
The wind

Two Guys Yelling 2

Tonight Ted and I had dinner at Fat Willy's for some BBQ and talk our show. This is a list of all our sketches with times. It's around 70 minutes in total with some tangential ideas still floating around in the ether. We also talked directors. I love working with Ted for a number of reasons. The biggest one is because he can take one of my ideas and clarify it. Refine it and come at it from a more scenically defined place. Give it shape. I know I'm good for Ted cause I can keep up with him, push him, and shut him up. Ted is a strong creative personality and sometimes gets a bad rep because of it. Because he won't slow down unless you slow him down. Some people aren't capable of that. I'm not one of those people.

Our show has a lot to do with relationships, with family, with death, and also with repetition. Our show will be emotional scenes juxtaposed with gamey repetitious scenes or a combination of the two. I know it's funny. I think people may be surprised with how dramatic some of the subject matter is and how funny we make it. We're angling to get a run at iO. You should be able to see it soon. Our sketch group is called Two Guys Yelling we have a title for our first show:

A Year Of Saturdays.

Going Blue

Tonight The Night Shift had a show at The Playground. We all felt decent about it. It was high energy and fun. Kind of all over the place but still good, still funny.

The first scene out of the gate was me and Molly. We were a couple celebrating our 14 month anniversary with a picnic. She had gotten me a gift which she said she spent a month's rent on. I asked her how she had paid rent. Damian tagged in as the landlord. Molly ended up on her knees in front of him and I tagged back in. There was a pause. And then I made it declared it a blowjob. That was Molly's intention when Damian tagged in and I clarified it when I tagged back in. She had given her landlord a blowjob for a months rent. In the scene I was very upset with her cheating on me and she was in love with me she would do anything for me, she just wanted to get me a very special gift.

It worked both in the scene and with the audience, it got laughs. But afterwards both of us felt kind of bad about it, kind of cheap. Blowjob jokes are funny but they are obvious, its something that's within close reach.  It also doesn't really reflect Molly and I's philosophy on sexual equality or sexual perspective. We are not the ones to really make those kind of moves because we don't like the implications.

Going blue is fine, it can be fun and effective. But be careful about relying on it too much. Be aware of how easy and obvious it can be. Be aware of the implications: putting women in a subjective role or simply miming sex acts or straight guys kissing, all for a joke. What does that say about you? Your team?

Molly and I weren't uncomfortable with the scene. We both played it and we both had fun. We may have slightly regretted it afterward but we are close enough friends and good enough improvisers to pull it off.

That's not always the case.

Graffiti 67

I would guess the same author of the stickers with the same saying (Graffiti 18) a compliment from an unknown stranger. Seeing this tag always brightens my day, makes me feel I'm not alone, makes me feel like someone is watching out for me.

"Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." -Albert Einstein

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears" -Edgar Allen Poe

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." -Confucius

'Beasts of the Southern Wild' A Review

'Beasts of the Southern Wild' is a beautiful film about a little girl Hushpuppy and her Daddy. It takes place in The Bathtub a small island beyond the levies in the Gulf of Mexico where people live on the fringe of society. The film is poignant, moving, and honest. The story is frenetic and powerful and sometimes incoherent. We learn about strength, pride, and family. We learn about being poor and living life on ones own terms. The acting is amazing. Quvenzhané Wallis as Hushpuppy and Dwight Henry as Wink occupy most of the screen time and have most of the dialogue. Their relationship is so real and the way it is shot make you think at times you could be watching a documentary. More description of the narrative wouldn't do it justice.

Don't Miss It.

Storms

I've always identified with storms. Most of the time I feel like a storm. My feelings move fast, my mood can change swiftly, and sometimes is destructive. A storm doesn't apologize for being a storm, it doesn't need to. A storm is a random combination of warm and cold air meeting under a certain set of circumstances. And eventually it clears. Afterwards people clean up the flooded water and the fallen branches. A storm does what it does because that is it's nature, I don't have that excuse.

I feel like a storm but I can't act like one. I can control my mood or channel it or release it in productive ways. There's no one to clean up after me, I have to clean up after myself. And that's as it should be. Responsibility, that's the difference between me and a storm. Sometimes I think storms are romantic and wild. But sometimes they can rage for days and people can be hurt.

I'm trying to be like a cool summer rain. I'm trying not to storm.

Groh Show with Danny Groh #13

Danny gets a visit from the Mayor of Cedargurg, and grapples with reality.

Groh Show with Danny Groh #12

Danny gets a letter from a Wisconsin elected official, hypes another podcast, and Reviews "Men In Black III" and "That's My Boy".

Graffiti 66

I just turned 28 which feels more like a new year or a fresh start than does new years. Problems will always surface, but I would allege the older you get the smaller the problems and the easier it is to handle them.

 "All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem." -MLK Jr.

 "There are horrible people who, instead of solving a problem, tangle it up and make it harder to solve for anyone who wants to deal with it. Whoever does not know how to hit the nail on the head should be asked not to hit it at all." -Friedrich Nietzsche

 "Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be a s big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings." -JFK

 "It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than 'try to be a little kinder." -Aldous Huxley

Broken Shoes

(Saturday morning 2:32am, Chicago's Lakeview)

Denise: Shit...You're limping gurl.
Amanda: My fucking...my fucking things broke. Shit.
Denise: Gurl, your sandal is all fucked.
Amanda: Why is it so hard to walk! Why is walking so hard!?!
Denise: You broke your strap. Those shoes are trash, where'd you get them?
Amanda: Urban.
Denise: That place is so overpriced, I told you.
Amanda: I just want to get home. Where are we? Are we close?
Denise: We're almost there. Just kick 'em off.
Amanda: They were expensive. I can't leave 'em.
Denise: Well your taking forever and the shits broke. What are you gonna do go to a fucking cobbler and get them fixed?
Amanda: Lets just get home. I want to keep these things.
Denise: Come on. Come ON gurl you will NOT get those fixed. You haven't got a new bra in 8 months, you won't get these shoes fixed. Kick 'em off.
Amanda: Fuck...fine(kicks off shoes). How close are we?
Denise: Close.
Amanda: Do we have any ice cream?
Denise: Yeah, we have a pint of butter pecan.
Amanda: ...lets...hurry up.

Drennen And Joey's Sick Adventure #3

by Del Jackson

Chapter 3: Karaoke Quinn

      “This must be the place,” said Drennen Quinn, rolling up curbside in the Japanese district of neo-Chinatown, his knuckles white on the steering wheel of his El Camino. He was gripping it hard, nervous for his big moment tonight; the stage, the lights, the crowd, the song. The glory.

            Drennen Quinn lived for karaoke night.

            Joey Romaine, on the other hand, was too busy fooling with Koosh balls to notice. He had something planned, too, of a different variety entirely. Always a meta-farce with Joey, always looking for opportunities to drop his pants and fire a rocket. Erwin Rommel, Joey’s bombastic cat and sometime dance partner, was in another astral dimension, curled up, a Metroid ball, slumbering.

            Neon lights and Asian girls dancing everywhere, tempered with Buddha statues and pagoda-style architecture; incongruous sights, incongruous night.

            They might as well have been in Japan.

* * *

           

            Distinct murmurs, a veritable buzz, had started as soon as Joey Romaine lumbered into this basement dive bar/karaoke lounge.

            “Sore ha kamo shire nai ka? [ Could it be...? ]”

            “…sentakusa re ta tsu… […the Chosen One…]”

            “Akira!”

            The whispers continued to grow in pitch as Drennen and Joey enjoyed some saki, chatting, oblivious. In a dark corner of the room, no mistaking it, sat several Yakuza, black suits and black skinny ties, black Oakley sunglasses. All business.

            “Harris Yulin is our greatest living actor,” said Joey.

            “Who?”

            “What do you mean who? The judge in Ghostbusters 2. ‘The Scoleri Brothers!’ I caught you taking a peek at me in the shower this morning.”

            Drennen snickered.

            “That’s ridiculous.”

            “OK, maybe I didn’t, but you were on the verge.”

            “I was checking to see if you were still in there. How long does it take you to shower?”

            “Thirty five, forty minutes.”

            “That’s crazy.”

            “When else do I get a chance to read? Hey, you’re up.”

            On the flat screen, clearly: Creed – Higher.

            It was DQ time.

* * *

            The applause was instantaneous, raucous, insistent. They said with their clapping: Who is this Drennen Quinn, native of Hotlanta, cool personified? And how can we find out more about him? The applause was still going as Drennen, with his languid gait, made his way back to the table. He felt alive.

            Joey was on deck. What a clown show they were in for now. Joey Romaine, the orange bastard, buffoon comedy.

            The light, humorous strains of “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp)” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea2EuozaJ7s&feature=fvwrel) started up. Joey took the stage, already bellowing:

                        ♪♪

           

                        Hello Muddah,
                        Hello Fadduh.
                        Here I am at
                        Camp Granada.
                        Camp is very
                        entertaining.
                        And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

                        ♪♪

All the while flinging Koosh balls into the crowd, Rosie O’Donnell style.

            “You’re all a buncha cutie-patooties!” Joey roared.

            Utter, hushed silence. Primordial, really.

            One by one, and then in numbers, they began to bow to him, these Japanese, convinced that he was their god, their orange, golden god.

            All except for Boss Kimball, of the Yakuza, who would not be fooled, and who took none too kindly to the Koosh ball—SPLASH!—swimming in his Shirley Temple. In fact he was outraged, gun drawn.

            “Kono hi no yatsu wo o shiharai itashi masu! Watashiha otokorashisa no goukanno geijixyutsude jixyukurenshita yo! [You will pay for this, Bozo! I am skilled in the art of machismo rape!]”

            Outside, in DQ’s El Camino, Erwin Rommel stirred. Stretched. And went right back to sleep.

Harvest Moon

Full and Deep
Bright and Broad
Light the Way
Until the Dawn.

Never are you all alone,
when you look up and see the glow.
Darkness falls, every day.
But the moon keeps all fear at bay.

Never forget to look up at night.
You have a friend who swallows fright.

Anniversary

Today is Punam and I's one year anniversary. We met after our respective HouseCo shows at Old Town Ale House a year ago today. I had seen her a couple weeks previous do a show at the Cornservatory where she rapped, I was impressed but didn't introduce myself. She came up to me and started asking me questions. We ended up talking all night. I remember toward the end of the night a lot of her guy friends came up to her and asked if she was ok, as if I was some aggressive bro. We left while it was getting light:

Punam:(giggling) Do you want to do something crazy?
Me: Depends what it is.
Punam: Let's go to the lake!
Me:(grins) Ok, let me get my bike.
(walking toward the lake)
Punam:(stops) Hey-
(we kiss)

We didn't have a whole lot of time to celebrate today. After work we exchanged some gifts and went out to a nice dinner. It's been a great year. I never put much stock, thought, or importance on anniversaries before. With Punam it's different. This is special.

'Rock Of Ages' A Review

'Rock Of Ages' is a total mess. I don't really know what it is or what is suppose to be. I had fun, I was entertained, but I didn't come away with anything. The main characters, a young woman from Oklahoma and a young bartender, are boring and their love story(which is the main thrust of the movie) is ponderous. If anything saves the movie it's Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise, as he has done in recent years with supporting roles, dominates. His angsty, weird, sexually charged Stacee Jaxx steals the movie. The movie should be called 'Stacee Jaxx' and follow him the entire time. It's always amazing to see Tom Cruise as a total nut because it is so honest and powerful. It's Tom Cruise playing Tom Cruise. The only reason to see this movie is to see the 25 minutes where Tom Cruise plays Stacee Jaxx.

Don't See It.