An Old Interest

When I was younger, from grade school to high school, I had some interests that have since fallen by the wayside. I use to absolutely love to get a great book on tape and an extensive Lego project and shut myself in my room for hours. As I got too old for Lego's(or I should say I became aware that it might appear childish) I started to make collages.

I've never been able to draw or paint or anything but I liked to put things together. I use to make collages, as gifts, with pictures and quotes. I use to make collages of vacations and put them up around my room.

At iO this past week someone had put out a 'Give a book, take a book' box. In it there were three slim dated informative space books. I flipped through them and there were some really cool pictures. I felt that old tingle that I haven't felt in probably ten years: this would be fun to put together. I took them and a couple nights ago cut out some of the pictures and made two collages on poster board while listening to Mists Of Avalon on my computer. It was so simple and gratifying. It was like running into a long lost friend. This small experience or thing I use to do still holds just as much joy for me. I stayed up till 5 working on them and although they may seem childish they make me very happy. I put them on my ceiling to look at while I lay in bed.

I still need to put some books back in the box because I took but didn't give. I'll probably unload 50 Shades of Gray, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. That's a fair trade right?

Inciting Incident 2

I ask friends "When did you first feel the need to perform?" This is your friend and mine Mr. Jamison Webb. He describes his first prat fall.

Note: Feel free to comment on any past, present, or future posts.

Entrances And Exits

In the past day Carrie has stepped down from The Night Shift and Blair has stepped down from Echo. It's an odd feeling when someone leaves an improv group. Sometimes people leave because they move, they are too busy, or because they are not getting what they want out of it. As someone who stays there is a sense of loss and sometimes rejection, failure. The group failed by letting this person go or I failed as a coach. I did something wrong, we did something wrong. But that's not the case.

We are all on our own artistic journeys. We all have different goals and need different things in what we do. Everyone is on there own personal journey and needs to make decisions that put themselves in the places they want to be. I don't stay in a group or with a show if I think it's stagnant, if I don't like doing it, or if it becomes an obligation.

Improv is great. I love it. But there comes a point I think after doing it for a long time or after being on groups put together by other people that you desire something more. Something more personal. Something more unique to your own voice. When I moved back to Chicago I got on teams at all the theaters I could: iO , Second City, CIC, and The Playground. I wanted to do as much as I could. After I did that for a year or two I realized simply performing is good but performing with an intent and focus is better. I started to develop outside ideas, outside interests, foster my own style, and because there are only so many hours in the day you have to shift priorities.

You have to trust yourself and when you have that feeling of constriction or boredom you have to make a change. Develop your own stuff. Write. Put together a group with people you want to collaborate with, that you have an affinity for. Create a unique focus and follow it.

If you step down from a group it doesn't mean you dislike the people in it. It doesn't mean you resent the time you spent. All experiences are valuable, every friend makes you grow. But when your heart pulls you away. Follow it.

Life is full of change. Friends, lovers, jobs, cities come and go. They are all valid, they all in a way become a part of you in the ever-evolving person that you are. When you leave something you don't really leave it. You carry a part of it with you always. It has shaped you.

Find what brings you joy. Then chase it.

Be Present

Until recently I would only see my sister a couple times a year. I would see her on holidays and occasionally she would come to visit me but I would make virtually no effort to visit her. I regret this, I always had excuses, I was always very busy, but I never made time, I never showed up.

I feel like I was given another chance. I was given a clear head and an open heart. I was given tools and opportunities to maintain that. And with clarity and peace I have a marvelous opportunity. To be present and pleasant for the ones I love.

I went back to Rockford yesterday to spend time with my sister and dad. I've seen my sister more in the past three months than in the past year. We had a great time. We went out to eat and just sat around and watched TV and chatted. It feels great to be in a place where I can do that. I have the time to see my family but more importantly when I do I can be there with them.

Sometimes all you need to do is show up. It makes all the difference.

On Things Hidden

Look where I'm not
not where I am.

I'm more there
than any where.

'Seven Psychopaths' A Review

Seven Psychopaths is a movie about writing the movie Seven Psychopaths. The film follows Colin Farrell as he tries to write the screenplay. He comes up with ideas for the movie that are shown but at some point the script gradually starts to overlap his life. Or we're suppose to believe the story is something that happened to him. The film is weird. You like most of the characters but you don't know why. The plot follows a very Dali sort of logic. It's self referential to a point that we are left wondering what's suppose to have been real, what is in the main characters head, what am I suppose to take away from this.

The movie is fun and interesting. However, it is nothing like the trailers and doesn't fall neatly into a particular genre. It is not a comedy. It is not a dark comedy. The movie is about writers block, friendship, revenge, jealousy, love, homicide, courage, and morality. Go into it with no expectations and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

See It.

Graffiti 77

 "Mass Incarceration + Silence = Genocide" is the title of a lecture given by Carl Dix, founding member of the Revolutionary Communist Party.  The idea is the same explored in the film The House I Live In.



"As a society we're so quick and able to spend money on lawyers for someone for incarceration, but we don't make the corresponding commitment to the preventative components of it." -Matt Gonzalez

"You will be judged in years to come by how you responded to genocide on your watch." -Nicholas Kristof

"To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men." Abraham Lincoln

Inciting Incident

I listened to a podcast recently with Conner. He said something about having an overpowering need to perform, to be a comedian. It's something that a lot of my friends and myself have. This driving need to be onstage, to put out artistic content, to be seen, to effect people. I'm interested in where that comes from or where that starts. I'm asking  friends "When did you first feel the need to perform?"

The first story comes from the incomparable Ms. Julia Weiss.

Fall 2

The leaves are changing in Chicago. Some already falling. It's getting colder, then warmer, then colder again.

It's my favorite time of the year. There's something earthy about it. You know time is passing. Things look different, smell different, taste different. We go from activity in the summer to reflection in the winter. And in between we have this gentle limbo. This comforting cool.

Enjoy it while you can.

A Disturbing Dream 3

I'm drunk. I'm in my childhood house alone. It's night. I'm not blacked out yet but I'm not in control. I'm getting flashes of what's happening. I see a car go off the road and crawl to a stop on the side of my house. I walk outside, open the car door, and shoot the man behind the wheel with a revolver. I drag him out and hide him under the rose bush which is in full bloom. The car disappears and I go to sleep. I wake up the next morning to the sound of the door bell. I open the door and it's a cop.

Me: Hello officer.
Cop: Hello sir, is this your home?
Me: It's my parents, they're out of town.
Cop: Hear anything last night?
Me: Nope.
Cop: A man disappeared in this neighborhood last night.
Me: Who?
Cop: You didn't see or hear anything last night?
Me: Nope.
Cop: I'll be checking in with you later.

Paranoia surges through me. He knows. I start to panic. I turn around and I'm in a office building with metal walls with three friends. I'm doing some sort of test. I have a slice of moldy bread in my hands and I'm staring at it and concentrating. As I concentrate it starts to float and gradually the mold starts to recede, the bread starts to lighten, and it softens. "You did it!" they all say "It worked!"

I start to run out of the facility. It is full of halls and rooms and stairways all with metal siding and metal ceilings and metal floors. As I run a sense of urgency fills me. I have to get back home to bring that guy back to life. Before it is too late. I start to sweat. I see a green exit sign ahead.

I awoke.

'The House I Live In' A Review

The House I Live In is a documentary about the War On Drugs. It's a series of interviews that follows prison guards, prison inmates, judges, drug dealers, scholars, and cops cut with various political clips. The War On Drugs is broken down and explained with all of it's defects and intentions in a clear concise way with a horrifying conclusion. This is the most engaging and powerful documentary I've seen all year. Everyone should see this. We should all be aware of what is happening in our culture and this film shows what the War On Drugs really is: a gradual genocide of the poor. Become informed.

Don't Miss It.

A Year Of Saturdays: Reflections

This is the running order for Ted and I's show A Year Of Saturdays which just finished up at iO this past Thursday. Writing and performing the show has been the most satisfying artistic experience I've had since I played Eddie in Rocky Horror in college. The theme that we set out with was honesty. We tried to create a show with honest heartfelt moments as well as fun goofy moments and I think we were successful. Even with the goofy or more over-the-top scenes we tried to base them in some kind of emotional truth whether it was estrangement, sorrow, or anger. Each week we shared personal stories about how we felt about each other as well as stories about ourselves. 

I've seen a lot of sketch shows and a lot of comedy since moving to Chicago and Ted and I both agreed we wanted to do something different. That was another goal. Do something that we haven't seen people doing. And for as much funny things that there are going on there isn't a lot of truth. People don't get very personal or vulnerable on stage. We tried to walk that line and I think we were successful. We had a lot of great feedback from people that came and one of the things I heard a couple times, which I loved, was that it was touching. Sketch comedy doesn't need to be a succession of sketches that make people laugh, it's an art form just like any other. You can make people laugh, make them think, and then pull on their heart strings in the course of a few sketches and that's what we tried to do.

The writing process with Ted was great. We would meet two hours before a midnight open mic at Second City and write a new 15 minute set for that particular show. We did that for about seven weeks to generate material. We wrote and tested material all within a matter of hours. We refined stuff that worked and through out things that didn't work. After we had enough material we got a slot at iO and brought Jamison in to help us shape it. We all have the similar senses of humor and sensibilities and Jamison structured it and clarified some sketches so that the show really flowed. 

I'm so proud of the show, so proud of the message, and had such a great time performing it. It's so refreshing to perform a scripted show that you wrote and conceived, where no compromises were made, and the goals that you had for it were realized by the audience. I'm so grateful to Charna and Baz for letting us put up the show the at iO, so grateful for collaborators like Ted and Jamison, and so grateful to those people that came out.

I'm glad it's done. Ted is out of town for two weeks. When he gets back we start writing our next show.

The past is history, the future mystery.

Grave Gates

I met a ghost.
At twilight.
She glowed.
Dully, like a distant star.
"It's cold." she said "and lonely."
I laughed.
"Death changes nothing then."

Graffiti 76

I had lunch with Julia yesterday at the Pick Me Up and walked home. I saw this on the way. It was overcast and drizzling but warm. A soft breeze, changing leaves, and the whispers of trees. I couldn't help but be happy. And feel grateful for a most wonderful day.

"I adore Chicago. It is the pulse of America." -Sarah Bernhardt

"Best of all is it to preserve everything in a still, pure heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song." -Konrad von Gesner

"For the man sound of body and serene of mind there is no such thing as bad weather; every day has its beauty, and storms which whip the blood do but make it pulse more vigorously." -George Gissing

"I believe it is in my nature to dance by virtue of the beat in my heart, the pulse of my blood and the music in my mind." -Robert Fulghum

'Argo' A Review

'Argo' is a film about the rescue of six American diplomats in Iran in 1979. Ben Affleck stars as Tony Mendez the CIA agent who went into Iran under the guise of a film scout for the fictitious movie Argo. The film has a lot of potential which is never realized. A majority of the film is spent in the US setting up the fake film. We get cameos from John Goodman and Alan Arkin which are decent but they have roles with no real meat. Throughout the film Affleck tries way to hard to appear stoic and aloof. There is nothing to his performance other than staring intently into the camera with hair in his eyes.

The interesting part of the film has little time actually spent on it. The six diplomats, the focus of the film, have very little screen time and very little dialogue. It's clear to me as a viewer that all six actors did a lot of work and could have offered great performances if actually given something to do. To me the  interesting part of the film is the six people hiding out in Iran for over two months wondering what their fate would be. Affleck and the fake trappings to the fake film take up most of the movie but hold very little interest. Once Affleck actually gets to Iran the movie quickly moves through the rescue and the movie resolves.

An interesting idea with an inappropriate focus.

Rent It.

Improv And Friends

Tonight there was a going away show of sorts for Ariel and Asher. They're both leaving on a boat at the end of the week. A lot of people came out to watch and wish farewell not least among them Tisher and Jo(above). Opening up the night was suppose to be Comedy Partners(Blair and Asher) followed by ATV(Asher, Tim, Vince) with Master Blasters(an all female group dressed in drag) closing out the night. When I got there, for whatever reason, Asher was feeling weird about playing back to back shows so combined his two and asked Tisher and I to do a last minute set in the middle. He also asked us if there was anyone there who we wanted to perform with. I said not really but just then Jo and Sarah came in, I've been wanting to play with them for a long time so the four of us did a set.

It was a great night of improv. Vince, Blair, Asher, and Tim had a great set. Jo, Sarah, Tisher and I were dubbed numbnuts by Ariel who was the host so we used that as our name because we didn't have time to talk before the show started. It was incredibly fun. I haven't performed with new people in a while and I haven't performed with friends for the first time in even longer. I had such a blast. We created a really fun piece centered around four high schoolers with an 80's teen movie sort of style. It's such a joy to play with friends, friends who I've watched perform and admired for a long time. It really refueled me, got me super excited, and energized. Not that I've been feeling stale, I've been really satisfied with all my performing opportunities recently, but it was just that thrill of something new. Master Blasters closed out the night hilariously. With their particular conceit it's difficult not to. You can find their show here:
After the show we all hung out. A group of friends in a room that wasn't crowded with no loud music. It's so refreshing to have a social situation out of the context of a bar or 'party'. I talked a lot of shop, caught up with people, gossiped and scavenged the fruit plate. A better Tuesday I haven't had in a long time. At one point I was chatting with Sarah. She said something that still has me laughing.

Sarah: I'm getting sick. A baby sneezed in my face today.

Jeff Awards

I went with Punam to the Jeff Awards tonight. The Second City e.t.c. cast was nominated for best revue. I was pretty nervous going into it but the night turned out to be a lot of fun. We all went there in a party bus complete with stripper pole and terrible neon lightening. We were there early so the cast could run the scene they would perform in the show. While they did that I sat in the lobby with Steph and Sarah and did some people watching. One woman, presumably an actor, walked from group to group scanning the crowd with a fake smile plastered on her face. Networking! Everyone was very nice but most of the attendees had a whiff of pretentious theater. I recognize it because I use to be apart of it or wanted to be apart of it. Getting into improv and sketch was divine intervention. A night like tonight just makes me so grateful that I'm doing what I'm doing who I'm doing it with. A lot of the plays that were nominated were plays that have been done thousands of times. Some I've even seen multiple productions of. That life doesn't appeal to me anymore. I get to create my own content. I get to have my own voice on a nightly basis and make people laugh. I wouldn't give that up to do the 1978th production of The Crucible in Chicago.

The other surprise of the night was that the people from Second City felt like a team. We all sat together, we all hovered over the veggie and cheese tray together, we all undercut the seriousness of the proceedings together. Out of the Second City building the actors, producers, and directors were all on the same page. At the Jeff's there was no hierarchy, we were all representing Second City. It was the first time I met some people and the first time I talked to some people that I knew. But I felt comfortable, which for me is almost unheard of in that kind of situation. I had a blast shooting the shit with people I have only said 'hello' to in passing.

We're All In This Room Together won best revue and Edgar Blackmon from mainstage won for best performer. It felt great. Surprisingly great. To stand up with all the other comedians cheering, making our presence known in Chicago Theater.

Punam and I had a great time. She looked wonderful, performed great, and I enjoyed the no-pressure of being the plus one. A number of people came up to us afterward and praised her telling her how hard they thought improv was. The night overall was interesting and fun.

But we both agreed the best part was the dessert buffet.

U Who?

Ted and I played with Craig in U Who? tonight. The show broke down in an interesting way. It had three acts which had a lot of the same moves and patterns: talking to the dead, going out to eat, and a vicious attack. Raul was the focus of the second act.

Ted and I have one final performance of A Year Of Saturdays this Thursday 10:30pm at iO. Come see the last time the show will ever be done!

Home

Home is a weird thing. It's more a feeling than a place. For a long time Rockford was home for me. I considered Rockford home through my first three years of college. My last year of college I really loved my apartment. I lived with Bob my best friend and roommate of all four years. We had a great set up and we were perfect roommates. Agreeing on mostly everything, never fighting, sharing everything, and always keeping the place clean. I remember the first time I referred to that apartment and Normal as home to my dad my senior year. It felt like my place. It felt safe. I felt the most myself when I was there.

After graduation I moved to Chicago and lived there for two years. That whole time I still considered Rockford home. In retrospect I think I always had one foot in and one foot out of Chicago. I had a self-defeatist attitude about it. I was put off by the lack of nature, the crowds, the impersonal vibe of a big city. I bottomed out of Chicago, I gave up, and moved back to Rockford with my folks.

I lived back in Rockford with my folks for two years. It felt like home. But I also felt like I was in arrested development. My life felt like it was on hold, in limbo, stagnant. I set up my room the way I wanted and surrounded myself with all my books which was comforting but its not as if I had anyone over or brought anyone back to hang out in my childhood home. I didn't make a life for myself in Rockford. The two years I spent in Rockford I was constantly commuting to Chicago to do improv and to see my friends. I made no attempt to make friends or make a life for myself in Rockford. Part of me knew I think that I wouldn't stay, couldn't stay, it wasn't big enough for me anymore. It was safe and maybe at that time that's what I needed. But safety can lead to laziness. To complacency.

I moved back to Chicago and have been here for two years. I stayed in the same apartment until this last July and it never felt like home. I still referred to Rockford as home. I didn't like my neighborhood and I don't think I really liked my apartment. I was satisfied with it, I liked the convenience of it, but I didn't like it. I didn't feel like me. Or rather I felt I was still in transition. I was never comfortable. I think my old place had some bad juju associated with it.

My new apartment I love. I have a studio, live alone, and cook a lot. I keep the place clean and I'm sitting on my balcony now writing this. I couldn't be more content. I feel home. I feel like myself. Satisfied. Whole. I've had an on-again off-again relationship with Chicago for six years. I consider myself a Chicagoan. A couple weeks ago I visited my dad in Rockford. I kept referring to home meaning Chicago without thinking. The house in Rockford feels different. Not bad, just not the same. Which is good I think. Some people I think home is an easy thing to change. Some people get it faster than others. Some people grow up faster than others. I'm not one of those people.

Home is where the heart is. Home is where you feel the most yourself. The most comfortable. The most relaxed. Home has your books and your cloths and your knick-knacks and your art work and all the other little thing that make you you. All the stuff that have been with you for a while that you put thought and love into. It's nice to have a home. You need one. You need to be grounded.

I feel home for the first time in a long time.

Guys Hate Shopping

I've always hated shopping. Specifically cloths shopping. I remember shopping with my mother and sister a lot when I was little and hating it. Whenever I shop I have a clear idea of what I want, I go in, and I get it. Shopping has never been fun for me and I don't understand spending a lot of time doing it because I find it suffocating. I learned early on with my sister and mother to bring a book. I can handle shopping or rather someone else shopping if I can sit and read while they do it. Early on I would inevitably ask my mother for her car keys so I could sit in the car and wait. Thinking back on it I may have been a petluant and irritating child. I remember a couple of tantrums at JC Penny's mostly because I started feeling claustrophobic. Or bored maybe, maybe I'm romanticizing it.

A couple days ago Punam and I went shopping. Or more accurately I went with Punam while she shopped. In my head I thought I was making a great boyfriend type sacrifice. I think I even wanted her to acknowledge that "Oh Steve thank you SO much WHAT a sacrifice!" Which is of course stupid. For the most part all guys hate shopping I think. Guys don't really care about what they wear and our options are much more limited than women. It's something that's totally foreign to us: difficulty finding cloths. Spending a lot of time looking doesn't make sense to us.

We went shopping and I realized I was being dramatic. I didn't hate it as much as I had remembered. I didn't hate it at all really. Women's cloths are pretty interesting. Outside the changing room there was a couch and a TV with sports on. Specifically for men who are waiting for their wives or girlfriends to try stuff on. I thought that was nice although I hate sports, I had of course brought a book. Punam tried some stuff on and asked me what I thought of it. I was surprised how nice that was. She looks great in most everything but it was something we had never done together. The cut of one cream colored dress was kind of odd. It wasn't unflattering just kind of weird. We both agreed it didn't really work, not because of the way it fit but because of the style of the dress.

We ended up having a great day. She shopped for a bit, we saw Pitch Perfect, and we went to a bookstore for me. I have a lot of preconceived ideas about what I like and don't like and what I'm comfortable doing. I'm realizing more and more recently that you have to go outside of your comfort zone. You need to test yourself. When you feel like saying no you should probably say yes. Approach things with no preconceived idea of how they will turn out and most of the time they'll turn out good.

Maybe I don't hate shopping after all. But then again maybe it was just the company.

Goodbye Conner

I've watched Conner perform on various teams and at various theaters since I started taking classes 5 years ago. At first I didn't care for him as a performer. He did a lot of call outs and made a lot of jokes. He did scenes with premises like a gay Nazi cyborg raping Hitler. Last year Conner got on a team with Tisher and I started going to a lot of their shows. I've come to love watching him perform. He goes blue and does crazy scenes but there's a manic emotionality to it. He plays with a courageous abandon that's mesmerizing to watch. His commitment level always seems to be at 100% and a lot of the time he can be so self-deprecating its disturbing. One of my favorite scenes of Conner's in recent memory was one that took place on an old west wagon train. Conner was playing a drifter who would travel with wagon trains and convince the women to have sex with him because his sperm would make them invincible. That sentence doesn't do justice to the playfulness or sense of maniacal fun of the scene but it was one of the best scenes I'd seen in months.

Conner and I started to get to know each other over the past year and I found him real nice and approachable which isn't what I expected. Watching him on stage you get the impression he might have a 'fuck it' attitude which he doesn't. A couple months ago we got into a bit battle on Facebook which for me solidified our friendship in an odd way. You can find a recap here: The Status War. We never really hung out  outside improv but I consider him a friend who I'll sorely miss.

(Conner and Steph from Conner's last Holy Fuck show)

Conner's leaving tomorrow for New York. Another great Chicago performer flying the coop. I regret I didn't get to know him better when he was here but I'm grateful for the conversations we had and the times I got to watch him perform. I'll miss seeing him onstage most of all. We only did one very short scene together during freeze one night where I played his Hispanic girlfriend, I'll never forget it.

Goodbye Conner, I'm sure there's a lot of rambling incoherent bums you can base characters on in central park.

Conner's Website: Coozehound

'Pitch Perfect' A Review

'Pitch Perfect' is a comedy about collegiate A Capella. The plot is somewhat predictable but the jokes surprise you and the singing is great. It gives you what it guarantees: laughs and songs. If you're in the mood for it the movie is great. If you're not you'll be bored or irritated.

Rent It.

Graffiti 75

I love goats. I was a camp counselor for 7 summers at a day camp in Rockford. One day of the week we went to a park that had horseback riding and while you waited your turn they had a petting zoo. The goats were always my favorite. They seemed wise and were more approachable then the other animals. They have odd rectangular shaped pupils. They weren't overly affectionate but they would walk up to you and let you pet them and talk to them but would walk away if any of the kids got too lovey-dovey. Living in Chicago I miss nature most.

Part of that is the occasional goat.

An unrelated quote but something I saw and liked:

 "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better." -Samuel Beckett

A Disturbing Dream 2

It's night. I'm outside a large run-down town house with a porch and one large bay window looking into the living room. I think I'm a private eye or detective of some kind. I'm wearing a trench coat. I'm there to get someone out of the house. I feel a sense of urgency and caution. Inside I can see a group of people sitting in the living room in candle light. I walk up to the front door, put out my cigarette, and open the door quickly. In the room there are 8 people of various ages and appearances, aggressive not surprised. One of the eight is my friend Meaghan who I perform with. I feel a brothers protective urge to save her.

Me: Meaghan It's time to go.
Woman: She's not going anywhere. She's home.
Meaghan: Steve what are you doing here?
Me: I'm getting you out. This place isn't safe. What are you doing here?
Meaghan: Nothing, this isn't your problem.
Me: What is it you actually do here?
Woman: That's none of your concern.
Me: I won't make it my concern, Meaghan and I will be leaving. No fuss no muss.
(at this point I'm convinced that I'm in a meth house and everyone there is on meth and furthermore Meaghan  is now a meth addict and I won't leave without her in tow)
Man: Meaghan is where she wants to be. It's time for you to go. (he gets up and walks towards me with arms towards me, throughout the conversation the rest of the group looks at me vacantly)
Me: (slaps his hands away, suspicious) I don't want any trouble. I want to know what's going on in this house.
Woman: (rises, comes towards me) What's going on in this house has been going on for a long time-
Me: Meaghan get your stuff-
Woman: It has nothing to do with you (the room starts to darken and the candles start going out, I can't look away from the woman's eyes) It's time for you...to...go.
(as she's speaking I go light headed fall to the ground and feel my consciousness start to fade)
Me: (chuckles weakly) I guess it's not meth then.
Woman: Meth? Like the drug? No we serve a darker force here. Now...good bye.
(I feel pain but from far away)
Meaghan: Stop.
(Something snaps in my head and I start making things move and burst. Slow at first then faster. Screws and nails start to come out of the floorboards and walls. Furniture is overturned, lamps break, windows shatter, people start running. I take one big breath, gathering all my strength to turn the house into one big crater then-)

I awoke.

Gratitude 3

I am grateful for long books.
I am grateful for short waits.
I am grateful for kind, warm hearts.

Co-Dependent

I saw this a couple days ago and found it vaguely disturbing. I imagined who put it up...

The breakup wasn't my fault. I did everything that was asked of me and more. I should teach classes called 'Dutiful Boyfriend'. I know her favorite movies, foods, music, restaurants, and vacation spots. I know her extended families names, their alma maters, and their professions. I always listened patiently when she complained about work, girlfriends, periods, and the difficulty in finding the perfect summer dress. I read her journal, emails and gchat history. I quizzed her friends on what they would do, what she would talk about when I wasn't there. I learned as much as I could in order to make myself everything she wanted.

But it wasn't enough. She broke up with me two months ago. I still don't understand why. She said she needed space, time to think. She said I didn't have any interests except her. That's stupid. Of course I have interests, I made hers mine so we could always do stuff together, we would always have stuff to talk about.

She starting dating someone last week. He seems like a real bro, he likes sports, she hates sports, duh. After we broke up I moved in across the street from her place just to make sure she'd have some company if she needed it. She hasn't yet. I can look through my bedroom window into hers. Most of the time the venetian blinds are closed but not all the time. She stopped taking my calls last month.

I started to put up notes to her around the neighborhood. I never sign my name but she knows its me. Yellows her favorite color. I know she'll come back to me. She has to. This is just a phase. She's just going through a phase or something. This new guy won't last. He likes sports. Everyone knows sports are dumb. She'll get tired of him. She was just getting antsy. This guy is just a phase. And when it passes.

I'll be waiting.

'Looper' A Review

'Looper' is an action/thriller set in the future about time travel. In 2044 there are people called Loopers who kill people sent back in time by the mob from the more distant future. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Young Joe a Looper who is put in a position to kill himself, Old Joe played by Bruce Willis, but fails and Old Joe escapes. The mob comes after both Joe's because of this failure. The movie doesn't really deal with alternate time lines, paradoxes, or any of the other interesting/fun stuff associated with time travel. For a movie that claims to be about time travel there is very little of it in the film. The first half of the film seems to about one thing but half way through takes a sharp turn about something totally different. Because of this the plot is disjointed and relatively unsatisfying. Levitt and Willis do decent turns as each other but the script doesn't give them much to do.

There are a few great moments particularly a montage where Levitt ages and becomes Willis. But mostly the film deliberately avoids it's own major plot device. Willis says at one point "I don't want to talk about time travel!" In that case, why am I watching? We are left with a lot of holes, a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of missed opportunities.

As a futuristic time travel adventure the movie fails miserably. As a run of the mill summer action movie it succeeds.

Rent It.

Time

From A Friend

It's like time is a bandit, and it ransacked my house and stuffed all my happiness in one of those bags with a dollar sign on it, only I guess it would be that yellow smiley face instead of a dollar sign, and it's running. Time is. Time is running with my happiness in a bag, it's running away from me. And it tosses out bits of memories at me, so I have to deal with knowing that I didn't appreciate the good things I had when I had them. Music is in cahoots with time, I'm convinced. It serves as a scrapbook. Heaping regret and nostalgia and longing on you. Sometimes when a song is perfect to underscore a moment you have to ask yourself, “do I really want to ruin this song for fucking ever?” And Facebook. Come on. Timeline happened so that people could more easily see how much greater two years ago was. Mark Zuckerberg isn't a genius, he's a sadist. He ruined the world. Does he get that? He ruined the world. Sure I've reconnected with hundreds of friends from my past, but at what cost. At what cost.

Time doesn't seem like a thing until you catch up to it a bit and see how much it's been passing you by.

My vagina doesn't look like it used to. My boobs are different. My hair is turning gray. Sometimes my fucking knee hurts. My knee. It just fucking hurts for no goddamn reason.

And 5 years from now, I'm going to be nostalgic for my now-vagina and my now-boobs, and my now-hair. And my knee will hurt worse.

The times I smell the best or feel the softest or sing the prettiest... are when I'm alone and it's like... come the fuck on. Really?

All time has taught me is that my heart is an idiot, we should be better to our good moments, and my period makes me insane(though time being the brain rapist that it is, I'll probably even miss that when it's gone).

Don't Worry, Be Happy

A couple days ago I talked to a guy who had relapsed after six years because of a break up. Six years is a long time and relapsing doesn't take anything away from him. It's a new start and that's ok. Maybe just what he needed. He said something that I thought was telling: "I had the girlfriend, I had the job, I had it all..." and when one of those things went away he drank. Happiness is a volatile, elusive thing. Sometimes it's taken away so fast we don't know how to cope. Those times you need to be grateful for what you have and lean on those people that are close.

I started thinking about it and I think there is this false idea a lot of people have. That having the right life will make them happy. This idea that:

If I was engaged I'd be happy.
If I was married I'd be happy.
If I had a kid I'd be happy.
If I liked my job I'd be happy.
If I got paid more I'd be happy.
If I got hired by Second City I'd be happy.
If I had tickets to the twelve course tasting menu at Next I'd be happy.
If I had a Prius I'd be happy.
If I was in shape I'd be happy.
If I got more sleep I'd be happy.
If I lived in a warmer climate I'd be happy.

And sure once you get those things you might be happy. But what happens when those things are taken away? Why not be happy with the life you have now? It's great to have goals or things you want to do but sacrificing the present because you're looking towards the future is unhealthy.

We all need to be grateful for what we have. Live in the moment. And find happiness where we can. Find balance, so when something bad happens we don't fall.

We just stumble.

'The Master' A Review

'The Master' is a film about the relationship of two men. It takes place in the 50's. Joaquin Phoenix plays Freddy Quill a listless alcoholic. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays The Master a leader of a quasi-religious organization vaguely resembling Scientology. The two meet and develop a connection. There is a lot in the film that is understated, so understated in fact it's nonexistent. Nothing actually happens in the film. The characters go through no change. There seems to be no point. If Paul Thomas Anderson had a point in making the film(which I doubt) it's so subtle it's indiscernible.

The film looks great and sounds great. I would have said the acting was also great if the characters went through anything, if anything happened to them, if they changed at all, but they do not. Doing the same thing for 150 minutes isn't impressive. They are also almost entirely unlikable. Not a single character in the film garners any sympathy so as an audience member you are not invested in the non-action that's going on. The story doesn't go anywhere. It simply fades in and fades out. There really isn't much about Scientology in the film or L. Ron Hubbard who the film is suppose to be inspired by. The film has no substance. No actual story. All sizzle, no steak.

Don't See It.

Goodbye Kate

Kate's last Deep Schwa show was last night. I didn't know her until last year when I started seeing her around a lot. We became fast friends which I think Kate does effortlessly with everyone she meets. She's probably the nicest most open person I have ever met. And one of the most talented too. When I started performing with Schwa she and I just clicked. It's only happened to me a couple times, where you find a person who can read your mind, understand your initiation or idea even if it's muddled. Every scene I did with Kate I loved. Each scene was fun and effortless. I always looked forward to Schwa shows and no little reason was because of Kate's excitement. She always came in positive and totally juiced to perform. That kind of energy is contagious.

Kate and I did a lot of scenes as two women(you can find one here). Those were always the funnest. We also did scenes as two guys or where we would switch genders. She was always game to mix it up. My favorite scene with Kate was probably in our rehearsal with Liz Allen. Kate was a male chef and I was her neglected wife. I think my opening line was something like "You always spend so much time in the kitchen!"

I'll miss playing with Kate, her smile, her infectious fun, and most of all her kind heart.

From the show last night:


LA is in for a treat.