I got an opportunity to do the industry showcase tonight at iO. Meaning I did my five minutes of solo sketch for some producers and a packed house. It was an interesting evening. With this kind of audition type performance there's a lot of weird energy, lots of nerves, and it can get kind of infectious in a bad way. For the first time I felt not above it exactly but distant from it. Distant from the icky feelings and expectations that go with an audition with stakes(or perceived stakes) maybe because I was added last minute maybe because I'm better at taking things as they come and not playing the tape forward too much.
It seemed as if the evening was a success. Most people had good material and the crowd was responsive. I was toward the end of the show. I had some fear going into it but nothing that took me over, nothing that messed with my mode. Some general nervousness and fear of how-it-will-go I think can give you a little bit of an edge, a little gas in the tank. Fear of blowing a "big" opportunity, that kind of fear is poison. Placing so much expectation and need and desire into something like this is just going to back fire and make you hate yourself. This thing isn't going to validate me because I'm already validated by many things.
Anyway. I got up did my set and part way through I realized I wasn't getting many laughs. Material I've done before that's gone over well wasn't going over well. Stuff I'm proud of and think is interesting and funny wasn't getting much of a reaction. I had a split second of panic or more accurately shock. I was surprised I wasn't doing better. Oh well. I plowed through and finished my set and was done. I felt a little disappointed afterward, questioning why I didn't get a better response. Did I structure it wrong? Not enough jokes? Too edgy? Too sexual? But as I chewed it over and talked to Tisher about it I realized I did what I do. I presented my material well and if people didn't think it was funny or if it was too biting or untoward that's fine. There's nothing I can do about that.
It was a good experience and I learned a lot from it. I don't think I'll be getting a call from NBC any time soon but I took a shot and I did it with my material. No compromises, no impressions, no telegraphing of jokes.
Fear can take many forms. Sometimes it can sound like "I wish I would have..." or "I desperately want this/I'd do anything for that..." It can sound obvious or pandering. Fear is familiar, we go way back, and it doesn't bother me like it once did, it doesn't rule me.
Fear is something to be acknowledged and dismissed. To quote Will Smith:
Danger is real, Fear is a choice.
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